Mom and Dad came home around ten-thirty and I was just putting my glass in the sink. I kissed them both goodnight as usual and went on to bed. My mind was not ready to sleep yet and I lay there wrestling with three things. Why did I let Benji do that to me at all let alone twice and also, what does a penis feel and taste like in your mouth? Maybe Bobby would let me try him if just for a little bit.
The third thing was of course the fear of my nightmares. I tend to freak out a bit and scream pretty loud, after that I wake up but I can't talk for a while.
The next thing I knew I was holding Mom's hand as we crossed the street. The cute little boy gave me his little kid wave and I did the same as he passed. I started to turn my head but another boy bumped into me and I looked up at him. It was Peter and his sparkling blue eyes that held my gaze and then I woke up with a jolt that went all the way through me. "How the hell did he manage that? Shit!" I was puzzled but grateful.
Mom and I waited outside the office of Dr. Moorfield. She told me it was important to be honest and not hold anything back. She also told me that this Doctor should be better at keeping his privileged information to himself. I didn't know that Dr. Melner had told her what I was saying in my sessions with him until Mom told me that morning.
A girl left the office red eyed and looking exhausted and a man Dad's age came out after her and called my name.
"Good morning; you must be Jules Randall and you, I presume, are his mother, Nancy."
I said good morning and so did Mom. We sat in his office and he began without a lot of chit chat.
"I am Dr. Ray Moorfield and I prefer that my patients call me Ray or Dr. Ray, if they can't handle being that familiar with adults. Why don't the three of us talk about what brings you here and then Jules, you and I can speak in private.
"I want you both to know that I take Doctor-Patient confidentiality very seriously. What we talk about in our sessions stays between us with two exceptions. First, if I think you are a danger to yourself or others I have to report it and second if you are a victim or perpetrator of sexual abuse I have to report that, as well. Is that clear enough and can you live with it?"
I thought about it a moment and told him I understood and it was fine. I had never considered killing myself although there were times I just wanted this whole thing over with. I just didn't connect it with suicide.
"So Jules, tell me your story specifically why you're here."
I told him about the boy and described him and the accident and then told him what happened every time I met another boy like that.
"Only boys or do you have the same reaction to girls with eyes like you described."
"I um, I never noticed any of the girls if they had eyes like that, that's weird," I told him. I've had the same doctor for four years and he just asks me what I'm thinking and then he goes after Mom and Dad like they did something. I refused to answer his questions about them. He said I had authority issues but I behave pretty well and I don't get in trouble at school. I didn't understand what he meant and he wouldn't explain.
"Well I can't comment on another doctor's methods but I don't do that." Ray informed me.
"He also told my mom whatever I said in our sessions; Mom just told me today,"
"My take on that is that you are a person in your own right and you are entitled to privacy. So unless you give me permission or there's a court order nobody but you and I will know what we've talked about. Fair enough?"
"Yes, it sounds fine," I agreed.
"Nancy, do you have any questions?"
"No, not at the moment. Why don't you two get acquainted and I'll wait out in the lobby."
When she had gone, Ray turned to me and began to explain his "Process" as he called it and set some ground rules.
"Okay Jules, you can talk about anything you like. But it will help if you keep it relevant to you and any issues that you may have. Anything that is stressing you, including things like parental love, your awakening sex drive or for that matter, your sexuality. I can tell you that everyone your age goes through troublesome things that confuse them and make it hard to be happy. No matter what you might tell me, I won't judge you. The human species is so diverse in their likes and dislikes, that to judge someone because of, oh let's say, a boy occasionally dresses up like a girl. It makes him feel good but he would feel like everyone would hate him."
"I don't dress that way," I said defensively.
"Okay, but I'm saying that it would be okay if you did and I wouldn't judge you if you did."
"Oh, I get it. So you say I can be completely honest and nothing I say will be used to mess me up or judge me?"
"Absolutely, I will only use it to help you find a way of coping with what happened and giving you some peace."
"What if I cry, I never did with Dr. Melner but he always wanted to blame Mom and Dad for my problems."
"Well, if you cry, there are tissue boxes all over and frankly some of the stuff I hear makes me cry too. I'm supposed to remain objective but I'm human too, and I feel their pain like anyone would."
"Will you be mad if I swear? I don't usually but when I get really upset I do."
"No Jules, swearing can be therapeutic and sometimes nothing else will express what you feel."
"So you really want me to call you Ray? Then you should call me Jur."
"JUR?"
"Sure, as in Jur of the planet Omicron, Persei eight."
"Oh, you're a Futurama nerd, eh?"
"That sounds awfully judgmental Ray," I said grinning. "And they're my initials Jules Ulrich Randall and before you ask Ulrich is a family name from Sweden. It means "little bear," I guess."
"Cool name, my middle name is Chandler, like the writer."
"That's cool, I loved "The Big Sleep" and "The Long Goodbye," they were really fun to read."
"My Mom liked them too, hence my middle name. It could have been worse; she could have been a fan of Shelley," Ray winced.
"Eww Percy? What a name to grow up with. You'd have to fight every day," I conjectured.
"Okay points for knowing who Shelly was. His poetry's not bad. A little sticky maybe but some of it is very nice."
"I prefer Shaw and Chesterton but I've read Ozymandias and Skylark," I continued.
"Well, those are two of his best."
Ray went on, "So this session is so we can get to know each other and I can find out what you want to accomplish. I will listen to anything you have to say and keep it between us. Your parents might ask what we discuss but it's up to you as to whether you share with them or not. Neither of them sound like the badgering type, so let me know if it becomes a problem. This whole thing will only work if we trust each other without reserve and you are completely honest with me."
"So what would you like to start with?" Ray asked.
"Nightmares, what else; last night was weird because, well it was weird for a couple reasons but the nightmare started like it always does; with me holding Mom's hand and the cute little boy waving at me. I demonstrated the wave. We passed each other, but last night when I started to turn around to look at him, an older boy bumped into me and I looked up at him and it was Peter."
"Okay, and who is Peter?"
"He says he's your nephew and that you helped him with some stuff."
Ray looked startled for a moment; "Oh my God, Peter has the exact same eyes you described doesn't he?"
"Yes, he does. I did everything I could to discourage him from trying to make friends and I felt bad about it until he and I talked. I told him about what happened and that it wasn't because there was anything wrong with him. Instead of walking away he told me about you, and he told me he cared."
"I'll have to remember to thank him; he may have given you a mechanism that allows you to bypass the worst part of your nightmare. I mean your brain did all the work but having a peer who understood your pain and wanted to help might have planted the seed."
"Do you think you can cure me, Ray?"
"Well Jur, there really isn't a cure as you probably understand it. All we can do is help you put it into perspective so that it doesn't dominate your life. You see, you'll always remember that horrible thing but how you deal with it will determine how much power it has over you."
"I'm going to call him and thank him for keeping at me; I think he would be a good friend," I remarked.
"Well, why don't we wrap it up so you can have the rest of your Saturday. I'll work out an appointment schedule with your Mom, so be thinking about what you'd like to talk about."
"Thanks Ray, I enjoyed talking with you and I'll think really hard about our next meeting."
"Sounds good to me," Ray said and put his hand out to shake. I shook his hand and went to find Mom.
There was no one else in the lobby besides Mom. She kept herself busy by reading her Kindl.
"You know Mom, you could do that on your phone, they have an app so you don't have to haul around two devices."
"I'm not sufficiently tech savvy to pull that off, Sweetie. Do you think you could make it work?"
"Sure Mom, there's really nothing to it except passwords and adjusting your settings for the app."
The ride home was quiet, other than asking if I liked Ray, she didn't pry at all.