When I look back on the weekend Cody spent with me, I get sad sometimes. Not because of what happened, but because that was more of an awakening for me, if not something more. I think it's also because of that special feeling, that peace inside of me that is still there, that thing we developed and shared together. It's a part of me that will never die, an experience that woke me up not so much to the sexual side of life, but to the feelings we shared just being together as more than friends.
At first, I wasn't sure if I should finish how that weekend played out. Then somebody wrote me asking about it, and I got to thinking, if one person is interested then there are probably others, too. It's not easy, you know to recall details and remember them in a way to put into words here, but it is kind of fun. The next morning, we were all awakened by another phone call, which neither Cody nor I answered that time. I do remember Mom downstairs taking it downstairs and talking briefly with someone. Shortly thereafter, we heard a knock downstairs at the door, one which brought us both out of our slumber. We rolled together briefly, sort of still cuddling, but not in the usual hold-me-spooning type we had been doing. That wasn't hard to do, by the way; waterbeds balance bodies with respect to the whole bed. Us lying almost in the middle made a general pit there, and we naturally ended up rolling into each other, side by side. We heard Mom greet whomever was there, followed almost immediately by her calling up the stairs. "Cody, are you awake? Your Dad is here."
Cody groaned softly, then swung his feet over the edge and grabbed some sweats and pulling them on. I watched quietly as he opened and left through the door, and I heard him on the steps as he descended. I lay there, thinking about what had happened the night before with a smile on my face. There was a sincere hope in my heart, too, that it wasn't going to end. I remember bending my knee a little - as much as the brace would let me - and feeling surprised at how little the pain was then, more of just an ache than anything else. Of course, it might be different when weight was put on it, but the general consensus made me hopeful.
I've wondered a few times about how fate was so much a part of everything that happened. I mean, it was like someone in Heaven **knew** I needed a friend, because if not for the accident, none of what happened would have ever occurred. I'm sure the sex stuff wasn't supposed to be a part of the equation, but still, I was soaring above the clouds that morning, and there could not have been a purer happiness in my heart.
Moments later Cody returned, carrying a plastic sack that presumably held his clothes and things. As he entered the room, he gave me this big, sleepy grin. Placing the bag on my desk, he crossed over to the bed and pulled his sweats back off, quickly climbing back in, this time over me and up close, before settling and cuddling up just as close as before. He hugged me to him while crossing his leg over my own, giving me a part of his warmness yet again. I felt... loved, I think. It was so cool to just lie there for a while, and I know he liked it just as much as I did because of the peaceful look on his face.
The whole experience was short lived though. It wasn't long before Mom called upstairs again, rousing us to get up and come down for breakfast. I gave her a weak "Okay", but I was saddened by it. Outside, the rain clouds had broken finally, and although it was still a mostly cloudy morning, there were still breaks of sunshine that seeped through. I nudged Cody and he growled at me, but then rolled back and pulled me over to his side of the bed, on top of him. Before going further, he waited and just held me in place until I was looking into his eyes. He smiled and mouthed those words again - no voice, just soundlessly telling me what I already knew - 'Thank you'. I hugged him in return, whispering a sincere 'You're welcome' back into his ear.
Uncharacteristically, Cody suddenly wrinkled his nose and sneezed, breaking the moment and letting me go as we both giggled. I sat up with him following me, and then he pulled me up with him. We both had to pee, and he helped me make it to the bathroom. Surprisingly, we stood at the toilet and pulled our briefs down in front to do our business together. I only tell this part because, well, here was another milestone for me: until that day, no matter where I went or who I was with, I could never share a stall, or even an open place, and pee together with other boys. I was bathroom shy, most of the time just freezing up, no matter how bad I had to go. I was generally teased about it, too, because I couldn't relax enough to just let it go. Some of the bathrooms though, had toilets with walls to divide them. They had no doors, no way to shield you with complete privacy, I mean. Even if you had to poop, you were just out of luck, I guess. The urinals were just open though, usually in a row with four or five hung along the wall. I know, that probably sounds silly - especially in Europe, where boys are a lot more open about that stuff. Here in the states though, although some guys seemed to could do their thing and think nothing of it, I couldn't. I attribute a lot of that to just being someone who grew up mostly alone. There were a lot of times I would wait, say mid-class, or at the end when the teacher was done, and then make an excuse, when I had to "go". Most of the time I'd get hall pass from the teacher and go take care of myself then. So yeah, weird I know, but meh - for a long time, that was me.
Here was the first time, the very first time, that I was standing almost hip to hip with someone, and I didn't "freeze up". Cody and I both released into the toilet, Cody even crossing his stream with my own at one point. Why I laughed, I don't know, but just then, that was so funny to me. Even though yeah, I could see his willy and pubes, it wasn't sexy, nor dirty or anything like that. Whether he looked at me, I don't know, but I sure didn't care. I just remember the greatest feeling of relief that I did it, and especially in front of him! If I hadn't, I would have had a hard time explaining my shyness.
We finished and went back to the bedroom, where we donned our sweats. Cody helped me make my way downstairs, and entering the kitchen we found my Mom had made us pancakes and bacon, something pretty rare. Most weekdays, with just me and her around, we stuck to pop-tarts or cereal, simple things for breakfast. For a while, I didn't even eat breakfast that much, but as I was getting older, I started feeling hungrier in the mornings - that, and the fact the school lunches had a lot to be desired sometimes kind of made me shift my thinking and desirables. That's when we started a kind of routine with just the two of us. On weekends though, as long as Mom wasn't running late to something or whatever, she would make us a bigger breakfast of some sort: sometimes homemade biscuits and oatmeal, or eggs, sausage, biscuits, and gravy. If we had the stuff for it, she would even sometimes make some of the best, biggest, fluffiest, cheesiest omelets you ever tasted! Pancakes though, were a special treat, and Cody smiled big time, saying he hardly ever got those served at all when at home.
The rest of our day played out pretty much downstairs, watching TV, playing a board game I had called Careers; we went upstairs for a while and played in my room, too, but Mom was home, busy cleaning house and moving around everywhere, both upstairs and down. We could not have really done anything naughty even if we had wanted to, and to be honest about it, we didn't need to. The whole day long, Cody stuck to me like glue, and when she wasn't around, he was even closer. I cannot describe how that made me felt, but I suspect you already understand that by now. We watched some more TV again, some of the movies she rented, and more than once he lay with his head on my shoulder, or I would his. We never held hands or anything, but we stayed close - oh so very close. Much like girlfriends and boyfriends did, I guess. In our sweats and t-shirts, we stayed mostly warm throughout the whole day, even in our bare feet, which easily found their way crossing the other's at times. It was all great for me, because Cody didn't have to leave until we went back to school on Monday. That whole weekend, I had someone with me who wasn't afraid of me loving on him, and him loving on me as it turned out.
As Saturday evening approached, Mom even got into the mood of relaxing and doing some things with us. I mean, my Mom wasn't the most "playful" person in the world, but she had her moments now and then. She fixed us spaghetti and all the trimmings for supper, and afterwards talked us into playing a game of Monopoly with her. So, that's what we did - a long, long game, probably three to four hours as I recall. At one point, Cody almost won, but luck turned against him right about when Mom and I were going to surrender. Then it was my turn, and I started to dominate everything!
In the end, it was near midnight when Mom had finally had enough, so she sent us back upstairs, where we again crawled into bed in silence. I think we were both exhausted at that point, or at least I was. I let Cody pull my sweats off me and put me under the covers - I thought at one point he might be intending to strip me naked again, but he didn't do it, instead pulling his own off and joining me under the covers. As he cuddled up to me, and I to him - he didn't ask, nor say a word, he just lay on my shoulder and took his hand and inserted in inside my underwear. He grasped hold and just held me. I didn't exactly get hard right away - again because I think we were just so tired. Instead he cupped my whole privates, fingering my nuts lightly and relaxed there. I did eventually get very hard, and he jacked me off quietly and completely. Then I did the same to him, finding he was already bone-hard and hot to my touch when I found it. It was a simple moment for both of us, but it felt really complete. In no time, I heard his breathing becoming deep and normal as he fell asleep, and that made me smile and fall asleep right next to him.
The next morning was when I got the rest of my "first" experiences though, and they were unreal in every sense of the word - so unreal that it became oh so awesome! I recall waking up at a movement in the bed, a stir made when Cody rolled out and went to the bathroom, I think. I had been on my side with my back to him, and I remember it starting to feel cold where he must have been cuddled up to me. It wasn't light outside, but I could look out the window and see maybe the signs of dawn starting to come up. For that time of year, that meant it was probably 7 or 7:30. I just lay there listening to silence, but within moments he returned and crawled under the covers again, right back up to me. I remember smiling as he looked at me briefly, and I remember him smiling back as I put my arm around him and hugging him up close. "This is so awesome Cody..."
Cody nodded, and then put his hand at the waistband of my briefs again as he lay back, but didn't go inside. After a few seconds I opened one eye and looked at him, and saw he was watching me. I didn't say a word - we were alone, Mom was most likely asleep and would before a while yet. Honestly, I was beginning to get aroused again, feeling his hand there, his fingertips just below my belly button. As we lay there, my cock started getting hard, and the harder it got the more it grew and stretched upward, eventually reaching right into the edge of his palm. He grinned when he felt it, and moved his hand down more to touch and hold me. Then I reached full mast and throbbed, and I could feel my tip had exceeded the waistband there and placed itself into his palm. He then slipped his hand inside and took hold of me. "You're really hard," he whispered.
I think I whispered 'Duh', or nodded or something, and then started to giggle. He giggled, too, before he started to jack me off again. At first it was okay, but it got sort of cumbersome and uncomfortable. So, I separated from him and sat up, and then noticing the door was closed, I peeled off my t-shirt and gently pulled my briefs down and off, all while he lay by my side and held onto my willy. I looked at him when I had finished, and then he sat up and did the same thing, stripping as naked as I was. We both stretched back out and pulled into each other's intimate embrace. I fondled his dick, his balls and pubic hairs for a bit, but I think he was more interested in me at that moment. He started to jack me off again slowly, under the covers, before he whispered and broke the silence. "I wish I had skin like you have."
I whispered back "I wish I was more like you, though."
Cody smiled. "Can I do you like you did me?"
I wasn't sure what he meant at that point, but I knew I trusted him completely, so I lay back and told him so. "Cody, you can do anything you want to me... anything..."
I saw him nod and got this grin, and the next thing I knew, he put his head under the cover, going south to my groin. He stopped stroking me then and, pulling his hand away, I suddenly felt my dick slip in between his lips to this wet, but warm place. Oh, how I gasped just then, feeling how awesome and different it was! He had tried to tell me, tried to explain it to me that fateful night when I did it to him, but there were no words to describe this sensation. He put my whole shaft inside - which probably wasn't that difficult. Like I've already explained once, we didn't measure back then, but I figured I was maybe a half-inch shorter than he was in length. I sucked in my gut as he engulfed and just held me there, before he started licking me all over. That added even more sensations to this experience! He pulled off after a few seconds, and the next thing I felt was him moving his lips down the side, right down into my pubes and then underneath to my nuts. Once there, he paused briefly before coming back up the other side, making little playful nibbles at me, not using his teeth, but just the sucking between his lips.
That was something else that surprises me, even to this day. How could we, as beginners, know not to use our teeth? When I sucked him, I never bared or used my teeth anywhere, and he didn't either just then. Most guys I hear about, in the stories and whatnot, say they started, and then had to be warned not to use their teeth any. Cody and I just did it naturally, you know? Just our lips, our tongues, and our mouth was all we needed, and all we ever used.
That wasn't the best part just then though, as he took me back in his mouth again. I pulled the comforter down just as he lifted his head to go down on me, and I watched myself sink inside. This time, however, he was holding a firm grip at my base, I think, keeping my hardness pointed upward, sucking me and sort of simultaneously pushing my skin back. I don't think that worked all the way, because he then hold with his hand and pulled my skin back. He slowly moved off again, almost all the way to the top, but stopped at my tip and slowly started swallowing me again. I watched myself slip all the way inside his mouth, in a daze, only this time with my skin pulled back, my glans were fully exposed inside his mouth, and his tongue started working them and the slit that was there. "OOoohhh ffuucckkk..." I let slip from my mouth in a whisper, and he giggled as he heard it, once again breaking that taboo of words we hardly ever used. He continued to lick me, his tongue going around in circles and playing on my end. At one point he came off of me. "Man... this isn't so bad," he remarked, before sinking back down on me again.
I spread my legs, pulling my one good knee up to the sides; I was squirming like crazy, because nothing, NOTHING could compare to what my dick was feeling inside his mouth. Cody cupped my nuts - exactly why, I don't know, but I know when he touched them, I could feel them tighten. "Cody, I'm going to cum... I'm going to cum again, so much..." It was all I could say, because unlike before, where everything built up gradually inside of me, this one was coming super-fast. I could already feel the tightness in my belly, could feel the little pull you sometimes get behind your navel; I could feel the connection pulsing from the base to the very end of my dick. "Uh, you might, uh... you might... Cody, you might want to back uhhhh off..."
He ignored me though, and just kept on going, by now his tongue sort of inside my skin, staying right on top of my slit, working its way around in circles - all the while he was stroking me underneath. I was bucking and trying everything I could do not to arch into him, and with no haste I lost control. Once again, I cummed, my boy cream erupting inside him like there was no tomorrow. We had both went all day Saturday and did nothing to release our pent-up sexual energy, or the pressure that sometimes build until just the night before. That Sunday morning, it was if I had a whole day's sperm rebuilt again, much like the awakening I had had just two nights before, but this time going into overdrive. I pulsed forever; how much was actually milked into his mouth I'll never know, because he was quick to take it and swallow it. Like I had done with him before, some seeped out onto his hand while he continued to hold my shaft. He would take a dive down on me and lick it all up, afterwards. My whole dick was in this warm, hot breathing cave, and being played with in the most sensational of ways.
When Cody finally stopped and let me soften again, he pulled off before coming up close to my ear. "Well? How was that?" I could only stare at him for a moment. I reached a finger and wiped some of my cream from the side of his lip while I contemplated it, before ending up grinning like there was no tomorrow. He grinned back, and when I didn't answer, he asked again. "Well?"
"Cody, I... I... " It took me a few seconds to find my voice. "You've never done that before?"
"Never. And you're the first to do it to me," he replied, whispering.
"B-but you did it for me..." I replied, stating the obvious. I shut by eyes for an instant, still reeling it all in.
"Yeah," he whispered in my ear. "And like I said, you did it to me. So fess up, how was it?"
I giggled finally. "Just like you said bro... it was fucking awesome!"
That was all he wanted to hear. "Good. I wanted it to be," he replied, satisfied. There you go, another one of those little things he said and did. He had 'wanted' it to be, for me.
I looked at him then. "You ready?" I grasped his raging hotness as he grinned.
"You know, you don't have to..."
I scoffed and pushed him onto his back. I DID want to, and I wanted to bad! I was horny as heck, and I wanted to taste him again. I wanted to feel his balls and scrotum and pubes... I wanted to smell him again, but most of all I wanted to do for him again what he had just done for me.
I won't go into any more details here. I sucked him off, all the way, taking his cream inside of me again, swallowing all of it. I licked all around him on the outside, including his nuts, and actually put them in my mouth for a little bit. I did everything that I could think of really, trying to please him and get him off as far as he would go. There could be no question that when he cummed, how much he must have loved it, how each thrust he made in my mouth while creaming me was so satisfying. Afterwards we lay there, naked, the cover pulled up on us again, and we were next to each other, hugging and holding so very close. We got hard again after a bit and we tried to jack each other off at the same time. We giggled, however, because although at times it worked good, other times it was too awkward. Our hugs, full frontal too, would end up with us grinding into each other, because it just felt so good. We spooned, too, and yeah - he ground his wily up against my butt, and I did it to him too. Mind you though, actually screwing never crossed my mind, and I doubt it did his either. It wasn't until I was much older before I even figured out guys COULD do such things, to be honest. Back then though, I would have thought it impossible, you know? For a lot of reasons, but even if we **had** thought of it, I don't know if I would have done it or not. I mean, if Cody had wanted to, I guess I would have tried it - I was willing to do anything for him, remember? Still, I also think I would have felt very guilty over it, because to me that would have been crossing the line. Screwing, rimming, all of that would have been hardcore sex to me, and although we talked about it, what it might be like screwing girls I mean, both of us also told each other we really didn't want or have any interest in doing it, not then anyway. Call it what you will, I think part of it is just the way we were raised, in our families, our church. That was a big taboo, and together we treated it as such.
I've got one other thing I'll bring out about that weekend, on Sunday. That whole day was spent inside yet again; I was up to hopping around on my leg, my knee doing better as long as I didn't put my full weight on it. Although Saturday weather was considerably better, rain clouds returned again for most of the day, so adventuring outdoors was limited at best. Cody and I lay around, this time spending most of the day away from Mom; our church only met every other weekend, and that weekend was one where we didn't have service. That evening a cold front moved through and if we thought the previous couple of days were cool, this time it turned outright cold. We cuddled a lot, watch the remaining videos Mom had rented - even took another bath that night. With Mom home though, even though we might have gotten away with it, it wasn't together. What was cool about it though is, without her knowing anything, first he came back from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, and then I did the same, and we each dried the other off. I remember as I did it to him, I took one last, long look at him - not just his groin, but everything. He knew what I was doing, and why, so he stepped closer. I remember reaching out to feel him, his chest, his belly button, everything that I could, before I dressed him, this time in the underwear his dad had dropped off. I put my t-shirt and sweats back on him, though. He did the same for me, reaching out and touching me all over. I don't think he got as much out of it as I did, but I know he had fun, and that was what made it okay.
When we went to bed that night, it was no different than the night before. We cuddled, holding each other, and talking for a long, long time. At one point, Cody got quiet before he started talking softly again. "Sean?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you, bro, for everything," he offered.
I sort of giggled. "Why are you thanking me so much? I should be the one thanking you..."
Cody giggled, too. "We can thank each other, then. I don't know, I just..." He fell silent.
"Cody?"
"Yeah?"
"Before this weekend..." I paused, because I wanted to say something oh so seriously, but I was fumbling my words again before I even got them started.
"Hmm?" He waited patiently for me, I could tell, to let me sort it out.
"I'm sorry, I just... I wish I could tell you what this meant for me, that's all. Not just the sex stuff, but..." Again, I stopped.
"Us, trusting each other, right?" he finished for me. "Yeah, I know Sean, me too." He giggled. "You know, I really was kind of scared the other night."
"No way... How come?" I asked, surprised.
"I don't know. I just was, I guess." Cody paused continuing. "It's not like I planned it or anything, you know?"
I nodded. "Yeah, believe me, I know. I mean, I admit it - I had some dreams, some fantasies and stuff about you and me, but it wasn't like I ever thought they would happen, even or anything close to them." I turned to glance at him. "I was just scared, too, I guess."
After a moment, he spoke again. "What made you decide, you know, to do it?"
I shrugged. "You said it yourself, you asked me if I trusted you, and I knew deep down that I did."
He looked at me and grinned, then leaned in. I though he was going to nuzzle me, so I turned a little envelop his cheek. To my surprise, however, he blew a raspberry instead. I laughed, as did he, before reaching up and turning out the lights. Cuddling up with him, I mused. "Cody, if we lose anything, at least let me keep this with us, okay? Just having you next to me and feeling you and everything, it feels awesome, you know?"
"Yeah, it does for me, too." Another pause. "Sean?"
"Mm hmm?"
"Do you think it's wrong to love? Like, us?"
I thought about that and then shook my head. "Nope, because you made me - I mean, we made each other - brothers, remember? A long time before any of this happened, too. You were my best friend before this weekend, and you're even my bester friend now - if there is such a thing." I hesitated, before adding, "You were my only friend, Cody. Really, you were the only person I could talk to about stuff. We may have only figured it out this weekend, but you said it. You're my Bro."
He was quiet again, before he finally whispered, "Sean?"
"Mmmm?"
"Thanks, thanks for trusting me. I was scared, but... I wasn't, too. I meant what I said the other night, you can be my brother anytime you want."
I hugged him tighter, and after a minute he rolled over and put his back to me, letting me spoon him up as close as I could. "You're welcome, and you can be my brother anytime, too. Thanks for being here for me... and thanks for trusting me, too." He took hold of my arms and pulled me tighter around him, and we went to sleep.
I am until this day forever grateful that it wasn't our last time together. We went to school the next day, with me walking somewhat awkwardly, but at least I got around okay. I noticed Cody seemed sad, but then so was I. In the end though, we both agreed that we wouldn't have traded anything for that weekend. As the weeks started to roll by, and Christmas approached, I think it was then I started to get heartsick again. Not for the sex stuff - that was cool, trust me, but I was missing having just his friendship and all. His Mom didn't exactly stop us from seeing one another anymore, but for a the next four to six weeks, it was kind of hard on us both. There were a few times we got off by ourselves, away from the other kids in our classes, and I asked him once if he had been **relieving** himself any better - especially because of me. I did it because I was trying to break some ice, trying to make him smile again, and of course, it worked. Cody got that wicked grin on his face and winked at me, afraid to say anything I think because we were at school. I remember feeling sad again, but right before we got up from the lunch table, he purposefully scooted close to me and wrapped his leg inside of mine, so subtle that no one would have noticed it. Then before we separated, he gave me another look and leaned in, whispering so low I could barely understand him: "You better believe it!"
That made me soar for the rest of the day, and the rest of the week even!
When our Christmas break started, we were out of school for two weeks. I was surprisingly invited to spend the night with him, and you could not believe how excited I was. He had warned me though, ever so quietly, not to expect anything, and I already knew there would be little to no horseplay. They lived in one of those ranch-styled, single floor houses; both his parents' bedroom and his sisters sandwiched his own. To make matters even harder, he slept in a twin-sized bed, and although I was smaller than he was then, we were both too big to really fit in it. His mother made me a pallet on the floor, but at least scooted it close. That night, we did get to close the bedroom door when we went to bed, and we did strip together to just our underwear, and as I started to get into the sleeping bag he stopped me. "I hope you know, you're still my bro... I still trust you," he whispered. When he said that, I pulled him close, and was almost crying into his shoulder when I whispered back, telling him how much I had missed him. "I've missed you too, a lot." Then, after locking his bedroom door, he actually got into down the floor with me, and we both snuggled up in the sleeping bag for a long time, hugging and holding and spooning one another. I won't lie about it, I did cry - long after he finally got up and climbed into his bed, I lay there that night, listening to him breathe deeply. I didn't care about the sex stuff - I cared about him.
The next day was Christmas Eve, and before my Mom picked me up that morning, he gave me a present. I was floored. In all that time, it never even crossed my mind, not even once, to get him something, too. I felt guilty, and I was angry at myself. I promised I wouldn't open it till the next morning, and I wormed my way out of not letting on that I hadn't done anything. When Mom picked me up, I begged her to take me to Wal-Mart, anywhere, and give me a couple of dollars. When she asked me why, I couldn't bring myself to admit how I had failed so miserably. I was ready to cry again, out of frustration, and I think she saw it. Not that she was the admonishing type, but I wouldn't have put it past her to chastise me for waiting so late. Instead, she took me to the store, and then saw the package I had in the back, I think for the first time. Very quietly, she then gave me a hug and told me to go find something. She had reached into her purse and found a $10 bill, giving it to me but knowing that it might not be enough.
To me it was everything! I didn't expect that much, as it was, because Christmas that year was hitting us a little tight already, and Mom was stretched thin. Still, I gave her the biggest hug I could give her, and told her to just give me a few minutes. I raced into the store and started looking everywhere for something. I went all over the place, including electronics, books, sporting goods, even toys - although we were really getting to old for them. There were still a few cool things that were in there, but everything I found I would have liked, though, cost too much. I didn't have enough, and I wasn't going to ask for more, so I kept looking. In all honesty, I was getting scared and about to give up. I remember walking down the aisle to leave, and rounding one of the corners, when I saw it. It was a t-shirt hanging on a rack, and it had this cool expression on it about what a best friend really is. I don't remember what all it said, but there was one little line in it - one little part - that said a best friend was like someone you thought of as family, inseparable. I was afraid to look at the price, but when I did, it said $9.99. I was ecstatic! I pulled out what little change I had in my pocket and counted it. Would I have enough for the sales tax? I counted it twice, but then found I was 24-cents short.
I was crestfallen and heartbroken at the same time. Here is what I wanted to give him, because it was a perfect size and everything, and it had something on it that wasn't just junk, but actually said something meaningful - even if it was just between us. I started to walk away, my eyes watering up, ready to just give up, but then an older lady walked up to the rack, looking at some of the clothes hanging there. I wondered, even half-prayed under my breath, and I cleared my throat: "M-ma-ma'am?"
Glancing up, the lady smiled and waited, so I pushed forward. "Would you, like, could you like give me a quarter? I mean, if you have it? I've almost got enough, just not enough for a-all of it..."
She looked at me kind of funny, and I showed her the t-shirt and the money I had in my pocket, and told her I was just a few cents short. I don't know if she saw me ready to cry, or if it was just a goodness in heart that shined out, but she looked at me and smiled again. "Sure, I can do that for you." Then she pulled out her change purse and went through it. "I don't have a quarter, but I tell you what, here is 25-cents you can have." I was ecstatic as she gave me the coins, and I gave her a big hug, something I'm sure surprised her. She had no idea what was going through my heart, or my head, so I finally smiled and thanked her again before I rushed off to the registers up front. When I made it back to the car, I showed it to Mom and told her what happened. It must have been a smiling day, because that's exactly what she did for me, and didn't say another word. We went home, and found a box to put it in, and she helped me wrap it up really nice. Although we had run out of Christmas cards, I made one up with her help, that turned out pretty good. Then that night, she drove me back over to Cody's house; they were gone, probably visiting family or something, so I put it inside the storm door with my card, all addressed to him.
That Christmas he had given me a movie, the title of which I don't remember right now. I just remember being really happy, but not as happy as I was when later, in my bedroom, I opened it and a little card popped out fell in my lap. The note said everything to me: "You'll always be my Bro." Later the next day he called me, and thanked me for the t-shirt. I asked him if he read it, and he said "Are you kidding? Only about a gazillion times! I'm even wearing it right now at Grandmas!"
Cody's Mom, again, took on a funny attitude again for a few weeks thereafter. We didn't get to visit each other until after we went back to school, and even then it was over a month before there came a Sunday, when I heard he begged and finally got her permission to come home with me after church one Sunday. She even let him spend the night, which thrilled me! I remember him having an argument with her over it before church that day, before she finally conceded, and I asked him what it was all about. All he would say was he'd tell me later, and I had to let it go. We went by his house afterwards, so he could get his clothes and stuff for school, and then made our way home. We changed quickly, and for the next few hours, we played, wrestled and tickled and everything, just like we always had done. I could tell though - something was up. His smiles were only half there, and at times his heart only seemed to be half in it. I was starting to get really worried, I think. Other than the wrestling and tickling, he didn't initiate much physical contact with me, and as the evening approached, it was becoming more and more obvious. I even tried a couple of times, just little things, but it felt like I was being rejected somewhat, and that was when it started to really, really scare me. We ate supper that night with Mom, and he was ever so quiet. When we went back upstairs, we started watching this movie, and I was getting this bad feeling. There were a lot of times we watched TV, with no one around, and we were like, inseparable. That night though, he kept his distance from me - not a big distance, but enough it felt definitely different. Finally, about 8:00 that night, in the middle of a movie, he got up and closed my bedroom door, and kicked off his shoes and socks before coming back to me. When he sat down, he finally moved close to me for a change. "Sean?"
I thought to myself, 'Uh oh, this is it...' I didn't know what was happening, and I tried really hard not to let it show so much. As I looked at him though, my face must have betrayed everything I was feeling, because for once Cody looked almost ready to cry himself. "I've g-got something to tell you."
I sat up and waited then, the movie long forgotten, and just nodded. "D-dad... he's being p-promoted at work. They're giving him a different j-job." He paused and looked away, no longer able to face me. "We're moving," I heard him say, almost in a whisper.
At first it was all lost on me. I didn't understand, and it must have shown. He didn't say anything else, and the silence was deafening until it finally sunk in. "Y-You're leaving?"
At that point, Cody did start crying, sitting back and holding his knees to his chest. Seeing him cry made me cry too. All he would say is "I'm sorry...", and as devastated as I was, I think the harsh reality of life hit us both. I put an arm around him, but fought me at first by pulling away, which made me want to cry even harder. I finally found my voice.
"Why are you... I-I thought..." I was fumbling my own words again, a habit it seemed, finding it hard to say what I was feeling, about both his rejection and the news. "I mean, you don't hate me, or you do, or something now, right? Do you not want anything m-more to do with me o-or-".
Cody stopped and whirled on me fast, pushing me back on the bed and climbing on top of me, pinning me down and trapping me underneath. He was still crying, but there was a stillness within them that shushed me as I saw both anger and hurt there. "How could you? How could you ever think that? After all the trust I've given you, after all you've given me!" I was stunned and hurt, and I started to cry again, almost bawling by then. That had hurt him, even though I didn't mean it that way, and he fell down completely on me by then, crying into my shoulder. "How could y-you, Sean?"
I remember telling him through tears how sorry I was, and that it wasn't what I meant, it had just come out the wrong way. I was as hurt as he was, and how that I had been so scared, seeing him reject me and stuff all day. With us not being open like we had always been before, how he had almost seemed afraid of me, I just didn't know what he was going to tell me and all. He mellowed then, and hugged me ever so tight, rolling off of me but locking me up tight within his arms.
Until this day, I still refuse to believe I was a drama king, and I knew Cody wasn't. But that was probably one of the most emotional moments I ever had with anyone. I mean, growing up, I was sad a lot, but I never really cried that much. I was the type who just kept a lot of stuff bottled up inside. There were a few times, I'll admit, that when alone with my pillows at night, I got really down, and with nobody around me I would let it go. For the most part though, I was ashamed for anyone to see me that way - including Cody. My best friend, my brother. We had had a few happy cries together, especially that first weekend, but I think it was the closest we ever came to each other that way. This night though, as it all sunk into me, I admit I was sad but I tried, for his sake, to not let it show so much. I failed miserably there those first few minutes, though. I couldn't say anything; what could I have said, right? So that night, we held each other forever it seemed, with the TV playing in the background. I remember at one point getting up and taking my clothes off, down to my briefs, and then stripping Cody, too. Sliding under the comforter, we cuddled and held, spooned and hugged. When I rolled or moved, Cody was right there with me, and he never pushed or pulled me away. I needed that; I don't know why, but I just needed to know he still accepted me for who I was. Somehow, I think he needed it, too.
Finally, with what could have been an hour for all I know, but in reality was more like 15-20 minutes, he separated and looked at me. " Don't ever think that Sean, don't ever, ever think that. I was just scared, you know? I didn't know how you would, like, react or anything, I was just scared, and I was afraid of having to tell you."
I smiled. Yeah, this was one of our serious moments again. "Okay bro, I won't, if you won't," I whispered, and then I got my voice back. "I think I can handle anything you ever throw at me Cody, but I don't think I could ever handle knowing I lost my brother. I love you too much to lose you right now like that."
Cody whispered. "You won't, because I love you, too. You know I do." Yes, I did know it. Truth be told, I never lost him, not really - not even to this day. Though he moved away, he always had my number, and I had his. When we talk, though we're a little more mature about things, we never end a conversation without referring to each other as our bro. He also told me not too long ago, that I'm the only one he has ever called that, that I was the only one he ever felt that close enough to while he was growing up.
At one point I finally climbed out of the bed and stood up, going to the bathroom to pee, and he followed me, once again sharing the toilet with me. As I watched both of us, I kind of giggled. "You know something, Cody?"
"What?"
I looked at him. "I used to could never do this until you came in here that weekend with me."
He giggled, looking surprised. "Really? Me too."
That, in turn, surprised me, "Really? Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"You were bathroom shy, too?" I asked, still trying to believe it.
"Yep. I would always freeze up and everything."
When we went back to the bedroom, already stripped for bed down to our briefs, we climbed back into bed. He said something about t-shirts, but I said no, not tonight. I wanted to hold him... if he would let me. He smiled and said something like 'try and keep me away'. He then took off his briefs and did the same to me, and I remember we cried some more that night, together. We had no sex of any kind that night, nothing like a 'one-last-time' thing or such. What we did though, was embraced a lot of good feeling just being in each other's arms, all over, back and front. It wasn't just me, either. Cody made it a point to squeeze us together all over, saying he wanted to feel me, too. He told me they were not moving too far away, just to Lexington, and that it still wasn't going to happen for a couple of weeks, which made me feel a little better. He also told me he would try his best to talk his Mom into letting him come over at least one more time. I said something about coming over there, but he shook his head, saying no - he wanted to come here, because my room was like his room too. I remember asking what he meant, and he told me he felt like he belonged here, that this was his place too, to get away from everything else going on at home. See why I went to the trouble of telling you guys what my room was like, my whole upstairs? It had this effect on me, and it did to him, too. Cody also told me we would get together sometimes, and I remember talking it over with Mom later, where although she was sad to hear the news, she agreed with him 100%.
In the months that followed, Cody did come back to visit me a couple of times, especially up in the late spring and early summer. On the weekend of my birthday, Mom arranged a surprise for him to stay almost the entire period. When we were together, it was like we had never been apart. The trust and love we had built, our bond, never faltered. We didn't do quite as much sex stuff, but that doesn't mean we didn't do anything; the trust was still there, the bond was still there, and that meant everything to me. As he got older, he also got bigger than me, and my little explorations of him took on a whole new light. He would still lie naked in my bedroom with me, and let me feel him all over sometimes, and **play**. I didn't grow out so much like some of my classmates were doing, at least initially, but I did grew a little. You know, fill out some more, and he was still as ever fascinated by my uncut willy, and he had a lot of fun with me - as much as I did with him.
Still, we were apart, and although our brotherly affection stayed strong, it gradually fell from the closeness we once had. For him, from the letters and emails we traded, and the phone calls and long, long talks we had, he would always tell me never forget we were brothers, and that always helped me a lot. He had gained new friends though, and within a year, they had moved again, this time out of reach for either of us to visit the other. To this day, though, we still trade Christmas cards, and yes, even now he still signs them "From Your Bro, Cody", with the word 'Bro' underlined and really bolded, every single time. Even when we traded emails, he did the same thing. For him, though, he had gone on with life, and I was happy for him.
For me, though, I didn't - not for a long time. Mostly because once again, I was alone...
- + - + - + - + -
Thus, so ended my journey with Cody. No, I'm not done yet, there are still some discoveries to tell about. Right now, honestly, I cried remembering all of this and writing it down. You would think I should have let this go a long time ago, right? It's still here though, inside of me, you know? It might take me a little while to get going again, I don't know. Like I said - that first someone that turns out to be so special, you know? I don't care what people say about this chapter, these last few paragraphs have been hard for me to write. I will say this much: I met Cody two years ago on my 20th birthday, and although I tried to put on that front, you know, that part of being all grown up and letting the past stay behind us, just being friendly and all, I think he knew I was still hurting some inside. In fact, I know he felt it or saw something, because although we were with other people, it didn't stop us from getting a moment alone. When we did, I didn't have to ask, didn't have to show anything - he just started hugging me one again, in that deep personal way like we always used to do. He again whispered in my ear, "It's me Sean, I still haven't changed any. Never forget it, you'll always be my Bro." Even after all that time, two 20-yr old college kids, for an instant, shared everything again - just like we were 12 again. I didn't cry, but I know he saw it in me when we broke up, and we both smiled.
That's how I want to remember my first "brother" - my best friend.
[[Author's Addendum, 2019] Cody actually lives only about a half-hour away now, near Frankfurt. He has a wife and two kids, both boys, and we visit or talk at least a couple of times a year. I know longer cry when I remember our times together, choosing instead to remember the fun, and the good times. We still exchange Christmas cards, both from his family, but also I will get one just from him. And he still always signs it - "Always your Bro, Sean, Cody." How is that for a lasting friendship? :o)]