Over the next few days, several things happened. The boys continued to bond even more closely, they grew more accustomed to living with me and understanding what I expected of them, and Danny began to become more comfortable at school. Some of the students even went as far as to ask him how he and Ricky came to live with me, so he merely told them I took them in because they didn’t have anywhere else to go. If any of the students began to push for more information, he would always manage to find a way to avoid telling them more than he wanted to. If anyone said anything he felt was negative or inaccurate about any of us, he would quickly take to the defensive and let that person know we were all happy with this new arrangement. I was very impressed and proud of the way he handled himself.
That weekend, Danny finally came looking for me, as I suspected he eventually would. He waited until Ricky was busy watching some Saturday morning cartoons, before coming into my office. “Dad, can I talk to you?” he asked.
“You MAY,” I emphasized, hoping he would make a mental note of his grammatical error. He began swallowing hard, trying to find the courage to continue.
“Dad, how do I find out things about being gay?” he finally asked. Before I answered him, I got up and closed and locked the door, because I wasn’t sure he wanted Ricky to accidentally walk in during our conversation.
“Do you know what kind of information you’re looking for?” I inquired, after turning around.
“I just want to know what it’s like for other kids my age who are gay and what types of things they do,” he told me, very factually.
“Well, I thought you might eventually want to know such things,” I told him, “so I did a little research already. I’ve written down some information that might help you.” I reached into the drawer of my desk and pulled out a sheet of paper. “This is a list of sites that have information about being gay or have stories about gay teens. I’ve read the stories I have listed, and they are the only ones I felt would be acceptable for you at this point. They will give you the writer’s idea about what it’s like to be gay, or how he wishes it was, but don’t take it as gospel. I think it will help you, but it could also give you some false impressions, if you aren’t careful. We will talk about each story as you read them, to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“Wow, Dad!” Danny exclaimed. “You did all this for me?”
“Yes, I did” I advised him. “If I’m going to help you, I need to know as much, if not more, about this stuff than you do.”
“Thanks,” Danny offered, simply, “but what’s in these stories?
“Basically, they’re stories about gay teens and they have a considerable amount of information about being gay,” I explained. “Some of them are pretty graphic and won’t leave much to your imagination, but they should help.” Danny smiled at me, letting me know he appreciated my effort.”
“I really want to thank you for doing all of this, Dad,” he advised me. “I kind of figured you’d help me out, but I didn’t think you’d do so much.”
“Well, if you think something is worth doing,” I told him, “then it’s worth doing well. That means you should give it your finest effort and do whatever it takes to do the best you can possibly do.” He smiled and nodded in response. “I do have to offer you a warning, though,” I continued. “I don’t want you to think that having sex with a partner is done only because it’s enjoyable. I want you to understand that having sex is something you should only do with someone you love and trust. I’ll expect you to learn the difference between love and lust, and hope you will only do these things out of love.”
“I know what love is,” he told me, “but what’s lust and how do I find out about it?” I knew he was not being a wise guy and was serious about wanting to know the answer to his question.
“Maybe this will help,” I told him. “Lust is kind of what you felt earlier, when you and Ricky messed around. You were only doing it because it felt good to you, not because you cared about one another.”
“But I like Ricky a lot,” he protested.
“Yes, you may LIKE him, maybe even LOVE him,” I corrected, “but I don’t think you are IN LOVE with him. That’s what makes the difference. You were only looking to enjoy those special feelings sex can give you and you weren’t doing it just to please your partner.”
“I wanted him to feel good too,” he objected.
“But were you doing it mostly for him or yourself?” I asked him. He thought about this for a few seconds.
“I guess mostly for me,” he admitted.
“That’s what I thought,” I told him, “so that would have been lust. When you can tell me you did it more for the other person, then that would be ‘being in love’.” I think I had made my point, as I saw a flicker of understanding cross his face. A few seconds later, he spoke again.
“Can I start reading one of those stories now?” he wanted to know.
“You won’t be able to get on these sites using your sign on,” I explained, “because the parental controls will keep you out. I’ve burned the stories onto a CD for you, though, and I’ll leave it here in the top drawer of my desk, where you’ll be able to get to it, when you want to use it. Just make sure you’re careful about reading them in private, for now, at least until you tell Ricky about yourself. He’s smart enough to realize they are gay stories and he’ll put two and two together, if he should catch you in the act.”
“Yeah, I know,” Danny confirmed.
“When you want to check out any of those other sites,” I continued, “then you’ll have to let me know. You won’t be able to get to them on your own, so you’ll need me to sign on to one of them for you, and then we’ll view it together.” I’m not sure that’s exactly what he wanted to hear, but he nodded his head in understanding.
“Okay, Dad,” he told me, “and thanks for the help. You’re really great. You know something else?” he asked, but didn’t wait for me to respond. “I love you more each day and I’m beginning to think the best thing that could have ever happened to me was when my father threw me out of the house, so I could end up living with you.”
“I’m not sure I’d go that far,” I warned him. “I’m sure down deep you still wish you were at home with your family.”
“I miss my mom,” he conceded, “but I’d rather live here. I love it here.”
“I love you being here too, Danny,” I informed him, “and you never have to doubt that. Here, I’ll sign on for a few minutes now and we can check out one of those sites, if you want.” After he signaled he did, we surfed together for about twenty minutes, before I left him to read some of the stories on his own. He smiled and thanked me again before I left, and I locked the door on my way out, before pulling it shut behind me. I almost ran Ricky over when I turned around.
“Sorry, Dad. I was looking for Danny,” he explained. “Do you know where he is?”
“Yes, I do,” I advised him. “He’s working on something in the office and doesn’t want to be disturbed right now.”
“Oh, okay,” he said simply. “I actually wanted to talk to you anyway,” he added, grinning at me. “In private, if you don’t mind?”
“Why would I mind?” I asked him, rhetorically. “Let’s go into the living room, where we can be alone.” I guided him there and we sat down on the sofa. Once we were settled, I could tell Ricky was having trouble getting up the courage to ask me what was on his mind. I thought I should help jumpstart his effort.
“Ricky, whatever it is, it’s all right,” I advised him. “Just go ahead and ask.” He studied me for a second and considered how he wanted to go about doing this. When he finally made up his mind, he started to speak.
“Dad, I’m confused,” he began. “I liked what Danny and I did the other day and I think I want to try more things like that. Is it weird that I feel that way?”
“No, Ricky,” I told him. “Boys your age tend to find sex exciting, especially the feelings they get from it. So, it’s not weird.”
“Does it make me gay?” he asked, next.
“No, Ricky, it doesn’t,” I informed him. “Many boys your age experiment with sex with other boys and a great many of them turn out to be straight. They get married, have children and don’t do anything else with another guy after those early years.”
“How do I know for sure, you know… whether I’m gay or not?” he continued.
“It’s difficult to answer that question,” I told him, “because there are no specific things that say ‘I am gay.’ You have to consider a lot of factors. First of all, do you prefer looking at naked guys or girls?”
“Actually, I haven’t seen many pictures of naked people,” he confessed, “but my wiener’s gotten hard when I see anyone without clothes on.” I had to chuckle at his comment.
“What about when you masturbate?” I pressed. “Are you thinking about a penis or a vagina and breasts?”
“I know what a penis and breasts are, but what the other thing you said,” Ricky asked, looking confused.
“It’s the name for the girl’s genital area, where your penis is on you,” I explained, and a look of understanding crossed his face. “So, which do you think about when you masturbate?”
“You mean when I jerk off?” he asked, and I nodded my head in response. “I’m not sure. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about that. I guess I just think about the feeling I’m going to get when I shoot that stuff from my wiener.”
“Well, from what you’ve just told me,” I told him, “there isn’t enough there to say one way or the other. You might even be bi.”
“What’s that?” he asked, his eyes opened about as wide as they could go.
“Bi, which is short for bisexual, means that you find enjoyment from being with either sex. That means you enjoy doing things with girls AND boys.”
“Oh,” he replied, beginning to understand. “Do you think I should try more things with Danny then?”
“Only if that’s what you want to do,” I told him. “Have you talked to Danny about this?”
“No, not yet,” he answered.
“Maybe you should,” I advised him. “He’s the only one who can tell you if he might be WILLING to do those types of things with you. I can’t speak for him, but I suggest you sit down and discuss the possibility of further experimentation with him, if that’s what you want. Then you two will have to agree if it’s what you BOTH want to do. Other than that, if you have questions about the specifics of doing certain things, then I’m willing to answer those questions for you.”
“I don’t have any more questions now, Dad, but thanks.” He gave me a hug and went to his room.
Nothing more came up from either discussion, so when Saturday afternoon rolled around, I decided it might be time to take the boys out to have some fun. I had thought about what types of things we might do at various times, but never discussed my ideas with the boys, as I wanted them to be surprised when we finally did them. Determining this might be the appropriate time to do one of these things now, I called them together.
“Okay, guys,” I announced. “There are a few things we need to do. First, I need to run to the store quickly, so I want you to hurry up and get ready to go with me.”
“What are we going to do after that, Dad” Ricky asked me. “You did say there were a FEW things we needed to do.” I was impressed he had picked up on that.
“You’ll see soon enough,” I explained, “but we need to get going.” Without further comment, the boys did as I asked and it wasn’t long before they joined me in the car. I had packed a small duffle with some things in it and threw it into the trunk, before we drove to the mall. Once there, I led them to the department store we had visited on our previous visits, when I bought their clothes. Without saying a word, they followed me to the boys department again, but this time they had no idea what we were going to pick up. Once we got there, their curiosity got the best of them.
“What are we doing here?” Danny asked.
“Well, if we’re going swimming,” I informed him, “you’ll need something to wear, unless you don’t mind swimming naked in public,” I teased.
“We’re going swimming?” he asked, excitedly.
“Yes, you boys do know how to swim, don’t you?” I asked, possibly a little late. It never dawned on me earlier that one or both of them might not know how to swim.
“I do,” Danny quickly advised me.
“Me too,” Ricky added, allowing me to breathe a little easier.
“Okay, then let’s pick out something suitable,” I told them. Eagerly, they started looking at the different style of swimwear and before long they had several possibilities picked out. After a little more discussion, and prodding from me, they selected a couple of basic, but attractive suits. I made them take them to the fitting room and try them on, because I wanted to make sure they fit the boys correctly. After inspecting them on my sons, I agreed they would do fine, so we took our selections to the checkout.
After leaving the mall, I drove to the local YMCA, where they had a lovely pool. We went into the locker room to change and the boys were chatting excitedly throughout the entire process. Once we had finished, I locked up all of our things in the same locker, and then we showered quickly, before we went out to take a dip. The water was nice, even though it seemed to have more than its share of chlorine this time. The boys seemed oblivious to this fact and began to splash around. I watched from a safe distance, just to assess their swimming prowess and to make sure neither of them were having problems.
Although it was apparent that Ricky was a just a novice swimmer, Danny took to the water like a fish and it was clear that he’d either swum a great deal before he came to live with me or he had taken lessons. Before long, I saw Danny giving Ricky some pointers, so I watched as Ricky tried to incorporate Danny’s suggestions into his own crude style. I was surprised at how quickly he seemed to catch on and was pleased by this interaction. Danny was a patient teacher and Ricky an eager student, and it was just another opportunity for them to become even closer. After a while, I decided they were all right on their own, so I began swimming laps and doing a little workout of my own.
I swam hard for about forty minutes, before I stopped to rest. As I sat along the edge of the pool, I watched the boys some more, fascinated by how well they interacted. I guess seeing them getting along so well, it made me wonder. What was the chance of finding two boys who took to each other so rapidly? Maybe it was fate or possibly it was due to the loneliness and sense of isolation they felt before they came to live with me? Regardless of the reason, I felt truly blessed.
I allowed the boys to swim until they wore themselves out, and I continued to swim from time to time, taking rest breaks in between. When they finally became exhausted, we went back to the locker room and took a good warm shower, to rinse the chlorine and perspiration off of our bodies. After we dressed, I took them out for some ice cream, a treat I felt we would all enjoy. We had certainly burned off enough calories during our swim, so we didn’t need to worry about splurging. After thinking about it, I guess I should have said ‘I’ wouldn’t have to worry about going overboard and adding to my waistline.
We all ordered what we wanted, but the boys devoured their sundaes in about half the time it took me. They were patient and waited for the ‘old man’ to finish, teasing me about how elderly people had to ‘gum’ their food, so it took them longer. I was almost ready to bite them both, to prove to them I didn’t have to ‘gum’ anything, but I was able to resist acting upon that urge. I guess my restraint was partially due to the realization that Social Services might frown on me doing something of that nature and end up taking the boys from me. Seeing I didn’t want that to happen, it served as a catalyst to behave appropriately. Instead, I just THREATENED to bite them both, which helped to shut them up rather quickly.
When we got home, the boys were a little tired, but they thanked me for everything. Not wishing for my time with them to end, I suggested we could play one of the board games I had in the rec room, from when my older children were younger. I’m not sure Danny and Ricky were very thrilled with this idea, seeing they had never spent much time playing any board games before, except for a few educational games they played at school. However, after a little coaxing, they finally agreed. I think it was more to humor me for taking them swimming, than because they wanted to actually do it, but regardless of their motivation, I hurried out to grab one of those games. I didn’t want to give them time to change their minds.
I chose the game ‘Life,’ which I remembered my children always seemed to enjoy playing. I had participated with them on many occasions, so I felt I could remember enough of the rules to teach Danny and Ricky how to play. We set the game up on the dining room table and I quickly explained the basics to both of them. Once that was done, we began playing and they seemed to take to the game quite quickly. There were some awkward moments for Danny, however, such as when he came to the part about getting married and having children. Instead of reacting to that situation, he treated it for what it was, a game, and merely did what was expected. I was proud of him. In fact, Danny ended up winning, but we all had a good time.
Once we picked everything up, I asked the boys what they’d like to do next. They both thought about this for quite a few minutes, whispering between themselves, but eventually they gave me a reply. “We all have hiking boots now, so could we go out for a hike?” Ricky asked, for the both of them.
“Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea,” I agreed. “In fact, I have a bunch of sleeping bags and a tent in the attic, that my children and I used to use. If you want, we could hike out in the woods and camp out for the night.”
“That sounds cool,” Danny told me, with Ricky nodding in agreement. Now that I had their approval, I went to gather up everything we’d need, while I had them change into something more appropriate. Once I had all the required items downstairs, I had them help me fix something we could take with us to eat. When we finished preparing those items, we loaded all that, and a few additional snacks, into my backpack. Next, I helped them hook their sleeping bags onto the backpacks I’d brought down for them to use and then did the same with my own. I also hooked the tent beside my sleeping bag, as I was prepared to carry the additional weight. All that was left to do was for me to run and change my clothes, which didn’t take very long. Before we left, I also filled three one-gallon jugs with water and each of us grabbed one of the containers, as we went out the door.