Mayfield Titans

 

CHAPTER 1

MOUNTAIN AIR

 

 

Aiden Miller peered out of the dining car window. The tracks ran along the shore of Puget Sound and he was entranced by the view. The early evening sky was brilliant blue with streaks of gold woven into it, the colors reflecting in the waters of the Sound. Across the water the wooded hills of the opposite shore were a brilliant green. The Olympic Mountains stood behind the hills, the remaining snow shining in the light of the late afternoon sun.  

 

“It’s really pretty,” Nolan Moyer noted. “My dad said he was totally envious that I was taking this trip. The good news is that he’s finally going to quit making excuses and take me on some long train trips. I think he’s finally figured out that we need to do the big trains together on top of the model trains.”

 

Aiden gave his boyfriend a big grin from across the table. “Well, I’m really glad we get to take this trip together.” Nolan was riding backward as was Aiden’s dad, Phil. They had all agreed in advance that Aiden and Nolan would get the window seats when they sat in the diner. Neither boy disagreed with that decision. It was also decided that they would switch directions each meal, which meant Aiden would be riding backward at breakfast the next morning. Phil and his husband Larry would switch seats as well, “Unless we don’t,” Larry told the boys. Aiden’s dads wanted to enjoy sitting next to each boy as much as possible during the trip and by not switching they would be able to that.

 

They were riding the “Empire Builder” on a trip that would eventually take them to Whitefish, Montana, and a visit with Robert, better known to them as Espowyes. The trip had been discussed at Eric and Noah’s wedding and became a reality in the spring when Larry made the train reservations for the trip. Aiden hoped that the trip would help end the funk he had been in over the last couple of months. Even though Nolan had declared how happy he was to be on the trip with Aiden, Aiden could feel the almost imperceptible barrier that stood between them. The barrier had felt strong the night before.

 

Aiden had spent the night at Nolan’s house. The plan was for Larry and Phil to pick them up in time for them all to catch the 1:15 Cascades out of Centralia which connected with the “Empire Builder” in Seattle. While he and Nolan had a great time running the model trains, swimming, and hot tubbing, it felt more like the early days of their friendship. The spark they had once enjoyed was missing and both boys felt it. They talked sex and jerked off together before falling asleep in each other’s arms. But the wild kissing and stroking and pawing wasn’t there—in fact they hadn’t kissed at all. They didn’t even talk about fucking. Each boy knew that real sex wasn’t going to happen between them that night. It was as though they had regressed from being boyfriends to being best friends.

Not that there was anything wrong with being best friends, but they had become more than best friends—they had become boyfriends who thought they were deeply in love. Or had they really been in love? Maybe what they had really experienced was the phase that some adults, especially Nolan’s mother, thought they were going through.

 

Still, Aiden was determined to enjoy his trip with Nolan; a trip they had been looking forward to for a long time. And maybe his mentor, Marty, would be right when he had said that the ancient wisdom of Espowyes could help them in the same way it had helped him when he was struggling to right his ship, or had helped Eric and Noah when they couldn’t figure out how to connect to each other in the way they wanted.

 

After all, Aiden thought, learning from Espowyes was the reason they scheduled the trip even before the barrier started to form between him and Nolan. Aiden knew the problem started when he found himself getting depressed and angry. He remembered his father getting him drunk when he was eight and later getting himself drunk to relive the feeling of numbness that alcohol had given him. And then, a few weeks ago, he found himself wanting to experience the same numbness and he decided to attend a drinking party.

 

He had come close to drinking—not only drinking but drinking to get drunk. Fortunately, Marty had called him on his bullshit and convinced him to take himself to a meeting of the Fourth Dimension, the youth AA group some high school boys, namely Sammy Bednarzyk and Peter Astor, had started in Mayfield. His dads and Sammy encouraged him to go, and Nolan thought it couldn’t hurt.

 

Aiden went and thought it had helped. But he also found excuses for not going to the twice weekly meetings and didn’t work consistently with Sammy, his sponsor. Again, he had what he felt were good excuses, mainly that he was just a busy person.

 

Since Aiden was convinced that he didn’t have a problem, he had no doubt everyone else felt the same way, even though the evidence said otherwise, especially where Nolan was concerned.

 

The way Nolan saw it, his boyfriend had gotten lost somewhere during the summer. The intelligent, loving boy he knew, the boy who was the leader, the boy who was strong in so many ways, had subtly changed. He wanted his Aiden back and didn’t know how to find him. Aiden had always been willing to stand up for what was right and always tried to do the right thing. Nolan was worried because Aiden was being cocky about not needing to work on what was bothering him. His boyfriend had always been full of confidence but had never been cocky. It was that cockiness that told Nolan that things were different with Aiden. Like Aiden, Nolan hoped that this trip would help set things right again.

 

Despite the worries both boys shared, they were determined to have a good time. There might be some issues between them, but they were still best friends. Between their boyish excitement and the adult enthusiasm of Larry and Phil, dinner was a lively, talkative affair.

 

Larry had purchased two roomettes for the trip. They were situated across the aisle from each other. Larry and Phil shared one and Nolan and Aiden shared the other. The boys knew that the beds were too narrow for them to share one and be able to sleep with any comfort. As a result, Aiden took the upper bunk and Nolan the lower one eastbound; they would switch on the westbound trip.

 

Even though the boys weren’t in the same bed they spent an hour talking after getting into their own bunk and turning off the lights. “I thought my mom was going to find some way to keep me from going,” Nolan said during their chat. “You would have thought I was going to be kidnapped and held for ransom or something.”

 

“Your dad would have snuck you out,” Aiden giggled.

 

“I mean I’ve been to baseball camp for a week three times, and over to your house who knows how many times. It’s not like I haven’t gone away before.”

 

“But have you ever gone out of state in a train before?”

 

“Hm, nope, I guess I haven’t. Well, I’m here, she’s there, and she’ll have to live with it.”

 

“I’m glad you’re here,” Aiden said softly.

 

After a few moments of silence Nolan said, “Yeah, so am I.”

 

The boys soon fell asleep, each one wondering why nobody said the magic words: “I love you.”

 

 

The “Empire Builder” came into Whitefish on time, which meant it had a twenty-minute layover. Whitefish was the destination for Aiden, Nolan, Phil, and Larry, but they had other plans before getting off the train. Those plans would keep them on the train for two more hours as it wound its way through Glacier National Park. During the layover in Whitefish Nolan, Aiden, and the dads got some vigorous walking on the platform until the conductor called out his “All Aboard!”

 

“We just showered in that tiny shower and now we’re getting all sweaty walking,” Nolan groused. Aiden and Nolan had showered together in the small shower room on the first level before breakfast. It was a tight squeeze, but they fit in okay. It was finding enough room to dress that was the problem. They both flashed hard-ons during the shower but did nothing with them. They knew showers had to be short to guarantee enough water for any passengers who wanted to use the shower and the room had to be vacated quickly for the same reason.

 

After dressing in underpants, shorts, t-shirts, and sandals, they grabbed their backpacks and walked out of the shower room. A middle-aged man, standing in the vestibule, glared at them. Aiden flashed him his winningest smile. “We were saving water,” he said as he and Nolan passed the man and headed up the winding staircase to the second level and their roomettes. The boys laughed all the way to the roomette.

 

After putting on socks and shoes they joined Larry and Phil for breakfast in the diner. The boys ordered pancakes and sausage. The train came into Whitefish just as they finished eating. When it was time to leave Whitefish, they found seats in the Parlour Car and enjoyed the mountain scenery. They had no desire to take a second shower—there was simply too much to see. Aiden stayed busy looking at and photographing the mountains on the left side of the train until just before their stop at the East Glacier station.

 

The Builder was still running on time when it arrived at East Glacier a few minutes before ten. They were met there by Rodney Grissom, who was a Park tour guide. He was also the son of Larry’s mother’s sister, which made him Larry’s cousin. Larry and his cousin had set up a hike to a scenic area. Rodney locked their luggage in a storage area.

 

Everyone piled into the Park Service SUV and Rodney drove them to the trailhead. Rodney brought water and box lunches for everybody, which were packed into the backpacks. Aiden and Nolan had their camera bags to carry as well as their backpacks. Rodney suggested putting their camera bags into their backpacks, which would keep the straps from getting caught in stray brush.

 

“But Horace and my lunch have my backpack filled,” Aiden protested. He had no idea why he brought Horace since he had decided he was now too grown up to have a stuffed animal, no matter what Marty thought about having one. All the stuffed donkey was doing now was getting in the way.

 

“Well, as long as Horace promises not to eat my lunch, I’ll let him ride in my backpack.” Nolan offered.

 

“And I’ll carry your camera and you and Horace can get to know each other.” Aiden was happy to turn the donkey over to someone else, and who better than his best friend?

 

Rodney tried hard not to shake his head as he watched two pubescent boys trade off a stuffed Donkey, talking about it as if it were alive. It all but convinced him that his gay cousin was raising a wimpy little gay boy. He liked his Cousin Larry but found himself doubting his fitness as a parent. He wondered how far the boys would get before they started whining and begging his dads to turn around and take them back to the station; they obviously weren’t as athletic as they looked.

 

It didn’t take long for Rodney to realize that he was wrong—the boys WERE as athletic as they looked. While they weren’t in hiking shape, they were in good physical shape, and handled the sometimes steep and often dusty trail in weather that was already in the eighties with youthful agility.

 

After just over two hours of hiking they reached a mountain lake. Not only was the view of the lake striking, but the mountains that were now visible were begging to be photographed.

 

“This is where we’ll eat our lunch,” Rodney told them.

 

Aiden removed his backpack from his shoulders. The effect this had on his body stunned him; he felt like his feet were lifting him into the air as he no longer carried the weight of the backpack. “Whoa, that feels really weird.”

 

“What?” Larry asked. Aiden told him about feeling light as a feather and how it felt like he was almost walking on air.

 

Rodney grinned and said that was an effect even veteran hikers felt. “How do your feet feel?” he asked.

 

“Hot,” Nolan replied.

 

“They will love the cold water of the lake. Walk over there, take off your boots, and soak them. I assume you wore two pairs of good socks.”

 

“We outfitted them just as you requested,” Larry replied. He didn’t have to point out to his cousin that they knew how take care of feet, especially feet that weren’t used to hiking.

 

Larry had told the boys that he and Phil had taken more than one summer overnight hike in the Cascades with Rodney and Rodney’s friend Brent. He did not tell them about what they did together as they camped alongside an Alpine lake.

 

“Too bad we can’t strip and skinny dip in that lake,” Nolan said.

 

“I think it’s a good thing,” Aiden chuckled. “That water is so cold my cock and balls would shrink to nothing.”

 

“And that is something new?”

 

“Oh, you pecker head,” Aiden growled. He pushed Nolan on his back and the two boys were soon wrestling and howling and laughing.

 

“If you roll into the water, you’ll walk back to the station wet,” Larry yelled.

 

“Good!” Nolan and Aiden yelled back simultaneously. Even though the hot morning made being cold and wet sound like a good idea, the boys knew that wasn’t what they really wanted. Since it was too hot to wrestle for long and they didn’t want to roll into the water, they stopped and dropped down on their backs.

 

“Of course, if we wrestled naked it wouldn’t matter,” Aiden suggested slyly.

 

“Of course, you could,” Rodney replied, “but I’m sure it would freak out the Girl Scout troop hiking in the area.” Personally, Rodney had no problem with the good-looking boys stripping naked, but professionally he knew he couldn’t allow it.

 

“Nah, they’d all fall in love with us.”

 

“Yeah, we could have a big skinny-dipping party and they could chase us around the lake,” Nolan laughed.

 

“I don’t know about you,” Rodney said to Larry and Phil, “but I think it’s time for lunch.” The dads agreed and yelled at the boys to get ready to eat.

 

“Is there really a Girl Scout troop in the area?” Aiden asked.

 

“Even if there isn’t, the threat is always there,” Rodney grinned.

 

“Too bad, or we’d at least strip down to our undies. Naked is better though.”

 

“Those two have a thing for nudity. They see themselves as naturists,” Larry told Rodney.

 

“I completely understand,” Rodney said. “My family and I go naked whenever and wherever it’s possible. I guess you could call us naturists.” Rodney was married with two boys, aged thirteen and ten, and an eight-year-old daughter. “Sadly, a National Park is not a nudist park, so keep your pants on…at least until tonight,” he winked.

 

After lunch, Nolan and Aiden took pictures of the lake, pictures of each other at the lake, pictures of Larry, Phil, and Rodney, and pictures of the mountains surrounding the Alpine lake. Soon, it was time to start the hike back down. Aiden was surprised that in some places, the hike downhill was as much work as the hike uphill.

 

After reaching Rodney’s SUV they started the drive back to East Glacier. After a stop for cold drinks, Rodney had them at the train station by quarter to five. The train was due in an hour. Phil’s train tracker showed the “Empire Builder” was running on time.  They thanked Rodney for the great hike, and he left to have dinner with his family. Larry, Phil, and the boys were going to have a late dinner on the train.

 

They arrived at Whitefish at nine o’clock. Espowyes was waiting for them on the platform. Larry and Phil would be staying at a resort near the cabin where Espowyes lived. Aiden and Nolan would be staying with the ancient Indian. The travelers tossed their baggage into the bed of Espowyes’ pickup, which was covered by a canopy. The boys sat in the backseat while Phil and Larry rode in the front seat.

 

The chatter on the way to the resort was almost exclusively between the adults; they all knew that the next couple of days would belong to the boys as far as being with Espowyes was concerned. Larry and Phil were dropped off at the resort office and Espowyes drove off with the boys, who still occupied the backseat.

 

After Larry and Phil checked in, they were escorted to their cabin by the resort owner. He knew almost to the minute how long it would take guests arriving by rail to get from the train station to his resort. He normally sent a van to the Whitefish station, but Robert had told them he would pick up the family. The owner and Robert “Espowyes” had been friends for many years.

 

“Things still looked to be a little strained between the boys,” Larry observed as he and Phil started unpacking.

 

“I agree. They’re friendly enough with each other, but they aren’t connected the way they have been since declaring themselves boyfriends,” Phil responded.

 

“From what I’ve observed, the change dates back to Aiden’s compulsion to party and drink.”

 

“And I think that Aiden not going to the Fourth Dimension meetings or getting together with his sponsor hasn’t sat well with Nolan. Aiden’s been living in denial and Nolan knows it. We may need to start thinking about getting him some professional help, again.” Aiden had seen a child psychologist for the first few months he lived with Larry and Phil.

 

“Aiden’s so deep in himself he hasn’t even been listening to Marty, and he certainly hasn’t been communicating with us,” Larry said.

 

Phil nodded. “At the moment, the onset of puberty has not been kind to Young Master Aiden.”

 

“Who seems to be working on becoming, as he would put it, Young Asswaffle Aiden.” This wasn’t the first time Larry and Phil had discussed their son’s defiance.

 

“Well, at least our relationship at that age was smooth sailing,” Phil grinned.

 

“It took a while after you sucker punched me in the gut at school,” Larry reminded him.

 

“There was that, but I had to get your attention somehow.”

 

While Phil and Larry were sharing their thoughts the ride in the pickup was a quiet one. The boys weren’t sure what to expect from the old man driving the truck. Espowyes was not one for small talk and the truck was not the place for serious conversation.

 

Espowyes had no problem with silence and felt that it wouldn’t hurt the two tweens to stew in their emotions for a while. He had talked to Phil, Larry, Eric, and Marty, and felt he understood what the issues were. What Espowyes didn’t know was whether the young boys would be receptive to his lessons in the short time they had together.

 

They pulled up to Espowyes’ cabin which was situated in a thickly wooded area next to a small lake. The boys couldn’t appreciate the setting in the dark, but they could sense its isolation. After his talk with Espowyes at Eric and Noah’s wedding, Aiden trusted the old man. Nolan didn’t know Espowyes and worried about what they would do out in the middle of nowhere if he ended up being a pervert.

 

Espowyes helped the boys carry their backpacks and travel bags into the cabin. Espowyes removed his shoes and placed them in the entryway closet and the boys did the same. Aiden and Nolan were amazed when they walked into the main room of the cabin. The interior was rustic, unfinished wood, with Native American artifacts, furs, photographs and paintings of mountain scenery, among the decorations in the large living area. The boys sat on a large, comfortable couch that fit into the décor as did all the furniture. A large stone fireplace dominated the south side of the living room. The west side consisted of a door to the bathroom and a loft, where the boys would be sleeping.

 

“Thank you for letting us stay with you,” Nolan said. He was hoping to get on the old man’s good side, not realizing he was already there.

 

“Yeah, thank you,” Aiden said.

 

“It is my pleasure having two fine young men as my guests,” Espowyes told them sincerely. “Would you care for hot chocolate before we retire?”

 

“Yes, please.” Espowyes retired to the kitchen to heat up water. When he returned Aiden asked the biggest question on his mind at the moment. “Do we really have to get up at sunrise tomorrow?” He and Espowyes had talked on the phone a couple of days before the trip, with Espowyes telling Aiden what the schedule would be.

 

“Yes, my friend. As I told you when we talked, to accomplish what we wish to accomplish in the brief time we have it is important we allow our internal spirit to rise with the morning sun.”

 

“Then we’d better go to bed as soon as we drink our chocolate,” Aiden said.

 

“As you know, we will be discussing a difficult topic. It is one I know very little about, but one I know is troubling both of you. I sense the beauty that connects you has been covered by a shadow.”

 

Aiden had understood that his visit with Espowyes would be dealing with the mental preparations of him and Nolan and finding their zones when they needed to. He had no idea that it would be about their relationship.

 

He decided to end any thought of that being the topic right then. He told himself that the status of their relationship was between the two of them and was not the business of Espowyes. But what he really wanted to hide was the lack of self-worth he had been feeling for the past couple of months and his compulsion to numb himself by getting drunk like he had when he was in foster care.

 

“Nolan and I are best friends,” Aiden said, as if that was enough to close the subject. Espowyes noted the look of hurt in Nolan’s eyes when he heard Aiden’s noncommittal statement.

 

Aiden breathed a sigh of relief when the kettle started whistling; now he wouldn’t have to say any more or answer any questions. What Aiden did not know was that Espowyes had spoken with his dads, with Marty, and with Eric about the concerns they had about Aiden’s behavior and mental outlook.

 

Espowyes returned from the kitchen, pushing a small cart carrying three cups of hot chocolate. “When I was younger, I would carry all three in my hands. Now I am older and wiser and find the easy way to do things,” he grinned. “I would offer cookies, but they will have to wait until tomorrow.” He handed a cup to each boy and sat on a cushioned, wood-framed chair.

 

“I understand you both enjoyed successful baseball seasons.” While Espowyes normally eschewed small talk, he also understood the need for the boys to feel relaxed around him. He started out with a comment to get them thinking but was going to let the main subject lie fallow until morning.

 

“We both made the playoffs,” Nolan replied, “but it’s hard to win when all the teams are good.”

 

“And it’s hard to win when some players, like me, don’t play as good as they can,” Aiden added. Espowyes nodded but let the comment ride, at least for the evening.

 

The chat slowed down and then stopped. “It is time for you to get ready for bed,” Espowyes told the boys after they finished their hot chocolate.

 

The boys took care of their pre-bed business and then climbed up a ladder to the loft. Espowyes lifted their bags to them. The bed was two mattresses on slats. The floor was covered by thick rugs and could easily be slept on. The boys elected to sleep on the wide bed that could easily sleep six. They stripped down to their underpants and crawled under the woven blankets.

 

When Aiden didn’t make a move to snuggle, Nolan thought about scooting over next to him. He fought back tears when the thought flashed through his head that this trip might be the last time they ever slept together, even as best friends. He was horny and wanted to jerk off, but it was almost eleven and they would be getting up at six in order to sit by the lake for the six-thirty sunrise. Nolan agreed with Aiden that Espowyes talking about their inner selves, their inner spirits, was nonsense. Both boys were tired and fell quickly asleep even though their minds were filled with sadness and confusion.

 

 

Wake up time ended up being earlier than the boys had anticipated. An alarm sounded from somewhere at five-thirty. Aiden cussed at the thought of getting up this early and removed Nolan’s arm which was draped around his shoulder. He wondered why he was even in the loft outside of Whitefish in Montana.

 

As much as he thought Espowyes had interesting things to say to him at Eric’s wedding, Aiden now thought of it as a pile of bullshit. He went to a couple of meetings of the Fourth Dimension, he asked Sammy to be his sponsor and talked to him three times, and he even purchased a Big Book. It was obvious he had things under control and couldn’t understand why his dads and Marty and Eric and even Nolan thought otherwise. So what if he wanted to see if he could drink alcohol and handle it better than his daddy and his dad and Marty and Sammy and Peter Astor and the other kids he met at the Fourth Dimension? After all, not everybody who drank was an alcoholic. What he had told nobody was that Mac had told him before he left on the trip that they’d get high on weed together after he came back. Aiden thought that was even less of an issue than drinking since everybody smoked weed. Besides, he needed something to help him deal with all the bullshit that was building up in his life.

 

Then his mind went to Nolan’s arm resting on him when he woke up and how good it felt to touch it and gently move it. With that thought he dozed off until a second alarm sounded.

 

“Hey, dude, I think that alarm really means getting up,” Nolan said. “I mean we are supposed to be ready to see the crack of dawn.”

 

“Fuck the alarm. My body says it really means to snooze until the crack of noon,” Aiden moaned. He pulled his blanket away and sat up. He raised his ass and yanked off his light blue briefs.

 

“What are you doing?” Nolan asked.

 

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

 

“Duh, I guess you’re going to put fresh underpants on before we head out into the sunrise. I’m so sleepy I thought you were going to go out there naked.”

 

“I am going out there naked,” Aiden stated emphatically.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Eric said when he and Noah had their meeting with Espowyes they had it in the nude which was freeing. I don’t know why, but I’m going to do it.” Actually, Aiden did know why he was going to watch the sunrise in the nude; he was going to do it because he woke up with Nolan’s arm around him and he wanted to feel that arm again and again and again, only with the love attached to it that had become a part of him.

 

Nolan heard Espowyes stirring down below. “Do you think Espowyes is a perv?” he whispered.

 

“Nope. Eric said I can trust him totally. He said he and Noah were boys when they met with him and that being naked was…it was…yeah, he said it was freeing.”

 

“Whatever works,” Nolan said and to Aiden’s delight he pulled off his boxers. Aiden wasn’t sure if he would have thought to go naked if he’d had morning wood but decided that this might be his one and only chance to free his inner spirit.

 

“Gentlemen, I hope you heard the alarm,” Espowyes called out.

 

“We’re awake,” Aiden said as he swung his feet onto the ladder. He climbed down and Nolan followed him. When he saw Espowyes wearing what looked like a yellow robe with the images of eagles imprinted on it, his misgivings about listening to a line of bullshit returned. But when his naked friend stood beside him, he once again became determined to do what everybody else thought he should do—until it became clear that he was right and they were wrong.

 

Espowyes noted the state of undress of the two preteens. “It appears you have spoken with Eric,” he said matter-of-factly. Aiden could now see that Espowyes was wearing a green tank top and a pair of running shorts under the robe.

 

“Eric is my other big bro, and he said this was freeing,” Aiden said.

 

“I believe you are doing it correctly but remember the decision on what to wear and what not to wear is entirely yours. And remember that here in the mountains of Montana, the mornings are generally very cold. However, it is important that you understand while you each should make your own decision, it is important to have the facts when you make those decisions.”

 

The boys said they understood. Espowyes had a cup of hot chocolate and a muffin laid out for a quick breakfast with the promise he would cook up a larger one after their spiritual journey. They quickly dashed into the bathroom together to pee, which they did side-by-side unconcerned with what their host thought.

 

“Did you bring sunglasses?” Espowyes asked.

 

“Yes and no,” Aiden replied. “I brought some, but they are up in the loft.” Before Espowyes could comment, Aiden climbed the ladder and retrieved the two pairs of sunglasses. After coming back down, he gave Nolan his pair and the boys dug into their snack, finished their hot chocolate, and followed Espowyes out the back door and down to the shore of the little lake. Maps of the area called it a lake, but it could also have been called a large pond.

 

While the sun had not yet risen over the tops of the mountains situated east of the lake, the sky was becoming light. The lake had a small pier with a rowboat tied to it. Espowyes instructed the boys to sit on the pier so they faced the shadowy mountains to the east.

 

“Think about your love,” the old Indian said quietly. “Think about how you treasured it and why you let it slide into the shadows, just as the mountains you face are in the shadows. Think about how important it is to you to have that love in the light again.”

 

“But I do love Nolan,” Aiden protested. “I knew that when I felt his arm around me this morning.”

 

Nolan gave Aiden a look that said he had no idea what his friend was talking about. But he kept quiet, ready to listen. Like Aiden, he felt some of his uncertainties slipping away.

 

“That love must return to your eyes,” Espowyes said. “But it must first return to your inner spirit, to your face, to the language of your body, and then it will shine in your eyes.” Espowyes had his reservations about the status of the boys’ love as well. Nolan was twelve, soon to be thirteen, while Aiden was two weeks away from being twelve. They were young, maybe too young to understand what they needed to do in order to keep what they wanted.

 

Yet Espowyes had seen the light of leadership and understanding in Aiden’s eyes when the boy was only ten. He had listened to Aiden explain how Marty had instructed him on how to channel his inner self and place himself into what Marty had called his “zone”.  He had seen the makings of a spiritual being in the little boy. It would take time and nurturing, but what Aiden had was a rare gift. And Marty had assured him that Nolan was an amazingly assured young man. Without this knowledge beforehand, Espowyes would never have attempted a journey like this with children so young.

 

Aiden and Nolan sat next to each other with their feet dangling from the pier. Nolan scooted up a little and bent his ankles so his feet touched the water; Aiden was not yet big enough to touch the water without some serious contortions. Nolan jerked his feet back and squealed like a stuck pig. “Damn, that water is cold,” he shouted, making Aiden happy he hadn’t stretched himself out to touch the water. Espowyes smiled to himself as he watched the light-hearted antics of the boys.

 

The sky continued to lighten and Espowyes told how the spirit of the sun and light affected the shadows within each of them. He reached into his small bag and took out his sunglasses as the sun rose above the top of the mountain. When Aiden saw the top of the sun, he donned his sunglasses and Nolan did the same.

 

 Espowyes wished they didn’t have to wear sunglasses, but he understood the necessity of protecting the young boys’ eyes. “The light of the sun warms you and opens your eyes. It removes the shadows from your inner self.”

 

“Even if we are wearing sunglasses?” Aiden asked somewhat skeptically.

 

“Yes, even then, if you open yourself to the sun, which you are doing by leaving your clothes behind. Now, remain still and silent and feel the shadows lift.”

 

Aiden and Nolan watched as more of the sun revealed itself and the orange colors of the morning sky disappeared. Without thinking, Aiden moved his hand along the wood of the pier until it found what he was searching for and wrapped his fingers around Nolan’s hand. Nolan felt a warm surge run through his body. It was a feeling he hadn’t enjoyed for what seemed like forever. Espowyes saw what the hands were doing and nodded in satisfaction. This was a start, but there was much more to do for Aiden to discover what he had to accomplish in order to channel his thoughts properly.

 

As the sun rose into the morning sky, Espowyes stood up and said he would be going to the cabin to start breakfast. He instructed the boys to sit quietly and channel their inner thoughts.

 

“Like getting into a zone, right?” Aiden asked.

 

“That is correct,” Espowyes replied as he turned and headed for the cabin.

 

While Aiden could feel the positive change in energy between Nolan and himself, he could also feel that everything wasn’t quite where it should be. He knew why and knew that he felt a resentment because Nolan didn’t see things the way he did. He couldn’t understand why Nolan wouldn’t let him try some of the things he wanted to try. After all, he thought, wasn’t experimenting a part of growing up?

 

The sun was now so bright that even with sunglasses on looking at the mountain was uncomfortable. “Let’s go back to the cabin,” Aiden said. “I’m hungry.”

 

“Is this all Robert is going to do?” Nolan asked, calling Espowyes by his given name because he was having a problem remembering the correct pronunciation.

 

“Nope. I guess we’re going to take that little rowboat out in the lake and channel ourselves or whatever it is Espowyes calls it.”

 

“Doesn’t all of this seem weird to you?”

 

“In a way it does. I mean it all started seeming weird when I woke up this morning and found out how good it felt to have your arm wrapped around me, just like I’m remembering how good it feels to just hold your hand.” They were still holding hands as they walked up the rise to the cabin. Neither boy wanted to let go for fear of losing the warm feelings they were receiving from each other.

 

When they entered the cabin, they finally let go. The smell of bacon turned all their senses from each other to eating breakfast. Breakfast was waffles, fried eggs, bacon, and freshly squeezed orange juice. Espowyes, who understood growing boys and appetites, wanted Nolan and Aiden to eat themselves full so they wouldn’t have the distraction of hunger when they went out into the lake.

 

After breakfast, Espowyes laid out the plan for the day. As soon as the breakfast utensils and dishes were washed and put away, he wanted the boys to generously rub sunscreen on each other.

 

“Even on our crotches?” Nolan asked.

 

“Unless you wear something to cover them.” Fear of burned cocks and balls had the boys going up the ladder for shorts to wear.

 

After the boys had covered everything, even the parts already tanned (“The sun is unforgiving in the mountain altitudes,” Espowyes said, echoing what Rodney had told them the day before) they walked to the pier and were soon out on the lake. Espowyes did the rowing while Aiden and Nolan sat on the bench seat in the stern, taking in the brilliant greens of the trees, brilliant blue of the water and the sky, the grays of the exposed rocks of the mountains, and even the small patches of snow that had not yet melted in the summer heat.

 

Espowyes shipped his oars and dropped a small anchor to hold the boat. He had told the boys during breakfast that the topic of conversation would be up to them and that he would be with them to listen and help when he could.

 

The result was the boat floating in silence. Espowyes was a patient man. He felt his previous connection with Aiden meant they knew each other well enough that the boy would eventually break the silence. Boys his age did not take to long silences well; it made them nervous.

 

The call of an eagle caught the boys’ attention. They watched raptly as the bird flew low over the lake, hunting for wayward fish. The presence of the large raptor was enough of a distraction that the boys were able to string out the silence a bit longer.

 

As much as he didn’t want to, Aiden knew he had to talk to somebody about what was submerged deepest in his mind and Espowyes was going to be the one. Aiden trusted him, he had learned at Eric’s wedding and later from Eric that Espowyes was easy to talk to, and Espowyes lived many miles away, making him feel even safer. Aiden could say what was on his mind and then leave it behind. Espowyes would never know if he did what was suggested to him. Aiden knew that the only person who could call him on his shit was Nolan, but maybe this talk would bring Nolan around to seeing things the right way.

 

“Espowyes, can I ask you something?” Aiden finally asked nervously. The old man nodded. “What’s so wrong with me trying to find out things? You know, experiment? How else am I going to learn?”

 

“What kinds of things are you referring to my young friend?”

 

“You know, going to parties and drinking and making myself feel good after I had a bad game or a bad day?”

 

“Are you saying you have not had the tools given to you to deal with your inner feelings when life does not go your way?”

 

“I have, but that is hard work. Wouldn’t it be easier to just, you know, make it feel better faster?” Aiden studiously kept his eyes from focusing on Nolan. He knew his friend couldn’t be happy right then, but he needed to ask about what was truly bugging him, which was supposedly the reason for this meeting on a little boat in a little lake.

 

“It was easy for your father and for your friend Marty, was it not?”

 

“No, but they are alcoholics and who says that I am? How can I find out?”

 

Nolan spoke up for the first time. “What about when you were in foster care and got drunk? Didn’t that say anything to you?”

 

“Maybe, but when I went to those meetings it was like nobody thought I belonged because I hadn’t done anything since I came to Mayfield. I felt like I didn’t belong there.”

 

Espowyes reached into his small bag and pulled out three books—all of them Big Books of AA. He set his copy on his seat, handed Aiden his own copy, and gave a new, unused copy to Nolan, who had never opened a copy of the book.

 

“Tell me about your experience in the foster home,” Espowyes said gently.

 

Aiden looked at Nolan, upset that his friend had betrayed a confidence. He felt he had no choice but to either tell Espowyes what had happened or to jump into the cold water of the lake. He elected the former path and surprised himself by telling the story of not only what he had done, but what he had been thinking while he got himself drunk at eight years old.

 

“You went to the meeting two months or so ago for what reason?”

 

Aiden took a deep breath and did what few boys his age could do—he started down the road of truth. Despite all his current doubts and young adolescent angst and his rising rebellion, deep down, Aiden Miller was a boy of strength and character. But, like all boys, no matter how strong they are, he still needed a guiding hand to steer him to the truth. On this day, in this boat, that adult was Robert “Espowyes”, complete with his years of wisdom and his Stanford University MBA.

 

“I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to be scared again like I was when I was little. I wanted my friends to help me like Marty said they would. And then they acted like I didn’t belong there, so I quit coming back. I thought I could do better by myself.”

 

Espowyes nodded. Nolan listened to his friend bare his soul, sweat running down his cheeks. A long moment of silence was broken by Espowyes. “You let others make your decision.”

 

“No, they didn’t want me there.”

 

“You let them live in your head and control your thinking, rent free.”

 

“No, I made my own decision.”

 

Espowyes opened his book. “Look on page 562.”

 

Aiden and Nolan flipped to the back of their books. The page contained the Twelve Traditions. Aiden knew where this was going and read the third tradition out loud, just as Sammy and Peter Astor had done when the doubters spoke up. “The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

 

“Did you go into the meeting with that desire?” Aiden nodded. “Does it say how much time needed to pass since your last drink before it was too late to be a member?” Aiden shook his head. “Does the only person who should be living in your head feel he is a member of AA?”

 

“But Barry said you have to hit bottom before the tradition counts.”

 

“This Barry is a membership expert?” Aiden shook his head again. “And Barry knows what is in your head better than you do?” Aiden shook his head again.

 

Nolan looked on, fascinated as to how Aiden was being raked over the coals without being yelled at or belittled in any way. Espowyes was making Aiden see what the truth was.

 

“But how do I know I’ve hit bottom? Don’t I have to be like Marty, and Sammy, and Peter Astor, and my father were? Like, drunk all of the time?”

 

Espowyes spent a few seconds flipping through his book. “The last paragraph on page 425. It is the story titled ‘Window of Opportunity’.”

 

Aiden and Nolan read quietly to themselves. “Read it for all of us,” Espowyes said in a voice that was soft and full of understanding and love while at the same time it was commanding.

 

Aiden didn’t want to read it because he didn’t want to answer any more questions, but he knew in his heart he had to. “One definition of a bottom is the point where the last thing you lost or the next thing you are about to lose is more important to you than booze. The point is different for everyone, and some of us die before we get there.” Once again silence surrounded the little rowboat, while outside of it on the lake and on the shore the sound of nature hovered in the background.

 

“I haven’t lost anything,” Aiden said without conviction.

 

“It says in another story that ‘one drink sets up a reaction in our systems that requires more, that one drink is too much and a hundred drinks is not enough’. What have you lost by just wanting to drink?”

 

Aiden looked at Nolan who had been sitting quietly and patiently. The tears that had been holding themselves back started dripping down Aiden’s cheeks, mixing with the sweat. “I lost what you said I lost. I didn’t see that love in my boyfriend’s eyes,” he managed to eke out.

 

“What would you lose after one hundred drinks?”

 

Aiden grabbed Nolan’s hand. “Him,” he whispered.

 

“And?”

 

“And everything Marty and my dads and Eric and my teachers and my coaches have been teaching me about being…about being…” Aiden’s voice trailed off until he barely uttered, “…about being….” Aiden lay his head on Nolan’s bare shoulder and let the tears flow down his boyfriend’s chest.

 

Nolan finished for Aiden. “…about being the awesome person I love,” he whispered as he dripped tears of his own.

 

“I don’t want to lose you. Marty said I was losing myself and I didn’t listen. My dads said I was quitting what I should be starting and wasn’t being responsible. And you never said it, but I could tell you didn’t like what I was doing and didn’t want…want…an asswaffle for a boyfriend, a best friend, or even a friend.” He wiped away some tears and looked up at Espowyes, who was giving him a look of love and the kind thoughtful look a mentor often gives his pupil when the moment of comprehension arrives. “What do I do now?” Aiden asked Espowyes.

 

“You told me when we met about how every night you said out loud things you were grateful for.”

 

“I don’t do that anymore,” Aiden said shamefully. His comment did not surprise the wise old man. “And I’ve been lying to Marty and to my dads about it. They think I still do it.”

 

Espowyes could see that the beautiful young boy sitting in front of him was a boy at risk. He was at risk of forgetting what was important and trying alcohol. He had seen it before with the youths he worked with who were on the cusp of drugs and alcohol. But the difference between most of them and Aiden was that Aiden had been given a strong education in morals, ethics, and proper behavior, which was not true with so many of the at-risk youths he tried to help. Now was the time to appeal to the boy to do what was right.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by Nolan saying, “Aiden, you got me doing the gratitude thing.  I can’t believe you don’t do it anymore.”

 

“I’ll start again tonight,” Aiden promised.

 

“How about when we sleep together, we tell each other what we’re grateful for,” Nolan suggested.

 

Aiden nodded his head. “Starting tonight?”

 

“Yep, starting tonight.” Nolan placed his right hand in Aiden’s left hand and Aiden clasped Nolan hard.

 

“I’m hungry,” Aiden said.

 

“Perhaps it is time for me to prepare lunch,” Espowyes said. “Hot dogs and chips?”

 

“Yes,” the boys called out together.

 

“One or two hot dogs?”

 

“Two,” they said in unison again.

 

“With mustard,” Aiden said. “And ketchup,” Nolan added. “And lots of chips,” they agreed.

 

“It is good I was prepared for two boys with bottomless pits,” Espowyes grinned as he started rowing back to the dock.

 

When they reached the dock, Espowyes told the boys they were free to do as they wished until he had lunch prepared.

 

“Can we go rowing?” Nolan asked.

 

“Feel free,” Espowyes replied as he started for the house.

 

The boys took turns rowing. Since Aiden lived on a lake he knew how to move about in a boat and the best way to row. He felt a bit unprotected without a life jacket on, but he also knew that the lake wasn’t very big nor was it very deep, plus they were the only boat on the lake. They said nothing about the heavy emotions they had just shared. For a few minutes all they wanted was to be two boys having fun.

 

As they ate lunch Aiden talked about one more thing that was now on his mind. “I know I have to make amends to a lot of people, and I need to work hard on doing things right,” he told Nolan and Espowyes, “like seeing Sammy. My pop told me before we left that I was acting like somebody who drank a lot. I knew he was full of shit because I hadn’t started drinking anything. But you know what I just figured out?”

 

“What?” Nolan asked.

 

“That I was acting just like Daddy Keegan used to act. And if I start to drink when I’m a kid or a teenager or an adult I’d be exactly like him.” He looked over to Espowyes. “Thank you for helping me.” His gaze shifted to Nolan. “And thanks for still being my boyfriend. I know I wasn’t always nice to you. I’ll do my best to not be an asswaffle around you again.”

 

After lunch Espowyes and the boys went to the resort where Larry and Phil were staying. Aiden and Nolan walked to the cabin holding hands, something they hadn’t done blatantly in public for a long time. Larry and Phil were pleased by what they saw.

 

They spent the afternoon horseback riding. It was the first time Nolan had ridden a horse, but with some tips from Espowyes and Aiden, he rode like a veteran. When they finished riding, they had dinner in the resort’s restaurant. Aiden shared the basics of what he and Nolan had done with Espowyes. He knew he needed to talk to his dads and go into how he was working on fixing the things he was doing wrong. Espowyes took Aiden and Nolan back to his cabin for the night.

 

Aiden surprised Nolan after they entered the cabin by stripping off all his clothes and tossing them up into the loft. Nolan decided that if Aiden was okay being naked, then he was, too.

 

Espowyes made no comment regarding the boys’ lack of clothes.  He and the boys watched the Mariners on television and talked baseball. When Marty was announced as the starting third baseman Aiden could hardly contain himself. The M’s were playing at Toronto, so the seven-ten game started at five-ten Mountain Time. When Marty singled to knock in a run in the top of the second inning, Aiden was ready to name Marty the American League Rookie of the Year. So far, in his brief Major League Career, Marty was batting .275 with two home runs and six Runs Batted In over his first thirteen games. The Mariners defeated the Blue Jays 6-5 with Marty going one-for-four with a walk and an RBI.

 

 When sunset approached, Espowyes and the boys sat on the deck and watched the sunset.

 

“If sunrise frees our shadows, does that mean sunset brings the shadows back?” Aiden asked.

 

“That is an excellent question, my young friend,” Espowyes responded. “The only way the shadow will return is if you allow it to. You must always be vigilant and channel your inner being properly.”

 

Aiden wasn’t sure he understood what Espowyes told him, so he asked another question to make sure. “I guess that means that if I do the work we talked about it, my inner thingie…”

 

“Your inner being.”

 

“Yeah that—my inner being—it means if I do the work we talked about and Marty, Sammy, Eric, and my dads talk about, I will be able to fight the shadows.”

 

“You are a very perceptive young man.”

 

That night Aiden made sure Horace had an honored place on the bed. He now knew why he had brought his precious stuffed donkey; it was so he would be ready and available when he was needed.

 

In this case, Horace was simply a witness to the erotica in the loft. The boys left the light on and chatted.

 

“I hope we never fight like that again,” Aiden said.

 

“We didn’t fight, we just didn’t have our shit together,” Nolan responded. “Like Robert would say, our inner beings were out of whack or something like that.”

 

“Well, as pop says when things don’t go right and I make mistakes, ‘Learn from it.’ I hope that’s what we do.”

 

As soon as they heard Espowyes’ door close the boys looked into each other’s eyes. “I know what I want, and I know what you want,” Nolan grinned.

 

The light was turned off and Nolan made love to Aiden. It was something else they had missed doing. They had been so disconnected the best they could do was mess around when they were horny as opposed to making love. Making love was what boyfriends did. They had lost their way as boyfriends and had been adrift.

 

After Nolan filled Aiden’s insides with his boy seed, he, Aiden, and maybe even Horace, were happy that the beds didn’t have springs that could squeak.

 

Next: Walking the Walk