The two of them began their walk around the property, but it didn’t take them very long to check out the yard. Once they had finished, Ricky suggested they also take a walk in the woods. Danny thought that was a good idea, so he followed Ricky into that area. They hadn’t been in there very long, before Danny began asking Ricky questions. “You really like this guy, don’t you?” he asked.
“You mean Dad?” Ricky responded, a little confused.
“Yeah,” Danny answered. “You haven’t lived here very long and you’re already calling him Dad and all.”
“Well, he’s my principal too,” Ricky explained, “and he’s always been nice to me. He doesn’t get really mad at me, like some of my teachers do. He tells me when I mess up, but he doesn’t hate me because of it. He’s really cool, and I guess I always kind of wished he was my dad. When Mrs. Swarthout told me he was going to be my foster dad, I got really excited and then kinda scared.”
“Why did you get scared, if you liked him so much?” Danny wanted to know. He was studying Ricky carefully now, intrigued by his story.
“I was scared he might change and not be as nice at home,” Ricky volunteered. “I was afraid he might get upset about some of the things I kinda do, once we were together all of the time.”
“What kind of things?” Danny asked. “And what did you think he was going to do to you?”
“Oh, nothing bad,” Ricky quickly explained. “Just that he might not be so nice to me any more. And I don’t do really bad things, just things that sometimes grown-ups don’t like.”
“Like what?” Danny persisted.
“Sometimes I start laughing when I shouldn’t, cuz things seem funny to me, even though the grown-ups don’t think so.”
“Is that all?” Danny followed up; amazed that something so simple could become a major problem.
“Well, it’s not just a little laugh,” Ricky confessed. “I guess I kinda laugh really loud and it gets others laughing too.”
“And that’s it?” Danny wasn’t going to let up.
“No, I also say things sometimes, when I shouldn’t,” Ricky admitted. “And I kinda get into things I shouldn’t and stuff like that.”
“Oh,” Danny responded simply, beginning to understand what Ricky was talking about. He’d known other kids like him, and even though he didn’t think they were bad, the adults usually did. He also realized that he was beginning to like Ricky and was glad he might have found a friend.
“So you really think of him as your father now?” Danny asked, not having all his questions answered just yet.
“Yeah, I really do,” Ricky offered, quite eagerly. “He’s a really nice guy and I know he really cares about me.” Ricky almost said more, but he wasn’t sure how Danny would react to what he was about to say.
“He does seem like a nice guy,” Danny admitted. “I was really surprised he let me pick my own room.”
“Yeah, I know he really wants to help us,” Ricky told him. “He’s done more for me than anyone ever has, and I haven’t been here that long.”
“You mean your parents weren’t nice to you?” Danny tried to clarify. Ricky hesitated before he responded, taking time to think over how he wanted to answer this. Danny thought this meant Ricky must have really had it bad at home, so he didn’t push him. Finally, Ricky decided he might as well tell Danny the truth. He felt he needed to do that, if they were going to be close like brothers, as he hoped.
“Well, I never had a dad,” he began, “and my mother used drugs a lot. She and her boyfriends…”
“Boyfriends?” Danny interrupted, confused by Ricky’s use of the plural noun.
“Yeah, boyfriends,” he admitted. “None of them ever seemed to stay around more than a few weeks or months. Anyway, she spent all her money on drugs and booze, but she never spent much on me or did things with me.”
“Ah, so she really didn’t care much about you. That’s rough,” Danny offered, trying to show that he understood.
“No, the drugs and the booze made her act the way she did,” Ricky corrected him. “I know she loved me, but Dad loves me more.” The moment he said that, he wasn’t sure he should have, and it left Danny momentarily confused.
“You mean Mr. Currie?” Danny finally asked, causing Ricky to blush. Ricky wasn’t sure he should have told Danny that, but he couldn’t just ignore Danny’s question.
“Yeah,” Ricky answered, simply.
“You think he loves you?” Danny pursued, and Ricky decided he’d better clarify his statement.
“Yeah, he loves me like a son,” he told Danny, “and I love him like a father.” Ricky hoped that would settle things, but he wasn’t so sure. He was concerned when Danny stood there for so long, without saying anything.
“Do you think he might love me that way too?” Danny finally asked.
“Oh, yeah,” Ricky responded, eagerly, “and we’re going to be a family.” That brought a smile to Danny’s face, and then the boys resumed their walk. They continued to talk about many things, and Ricky filled Danny in about my family, or at least what he knew about it. They were gone quite a while, and I was beginning to worry about them, when they suddenly showed up. They were laughing and joking, acting like typical boys, so I guess my concerns were unjustified.
“Do you want me to call you ‘Dad,’ like Ricky does?” Danny asked me, shortly after coming through the door, once he returned from his little tour with Ricky. I was shocked by both the suddenness and the frankness of his question.
“That’s entirely up to you,” I told him, “or we can discuss other options, if you want. Maybe you should take some time before you decide what you want to do.” I was actually a little concerned that he might feel he HAD to call me dad. Unlike Ricky, I knew Danny had his own father, even though they were at odds right now, and I wasn’t sure this was the right time for him to be considering this option. Maybe it would be best if he waited to make up his mind, after he had time to deal with the stigma concerning his recent disagreement with his father. I didn’t want him to start calling me dad as an act of defiance against his biological father, however I would leave that choice up to him.
“No, I know what I want to do. I’m going to call you Dad,” he advised me, very forcefully. “As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any other dad any more. My old dad told me he didn’t want anything more to do with me, so the hell with him and you can be my dad now,” he added, somewhat more defiantly and with a touch of bitterness in his tone. Ricky started to say something, but I shook my head to dissuade him. I thought it best if he didn’t get involved in this discussion, although I suspected he’d already voiced his opinions earlier. Fortunately, Danny didn’t notice our non-verbal communication.
“If you’re sure that’s what you want, that will be fine with me,” I advised him. “If you change your mind later, though, you can just let me know. Your choice isn’t set in stone, so we can make adjustments at any time, if we need to.”
“Thanks, but we won’t need to, Dad,” he said, testing the waters. “I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going to change it. Ricky’s told me how nice you are and how much you love him, and I want us to be like that too.” He looked at me, studying my face, to see how I was going to react to his statement. I must not have looked convinced, because a worried look came over his face – almost panicked. “I really do want you to be my dad now,” he insisted. “Is that okay with you?”
“Of course it is,” I told him, while pulling him into a hug. “I’d be honored to have you as my son.” As I continued to embrace Danny, I began to wonder exactly what Ricky had told him. Obviously, it must have been very positive and persuasive, but I prayed Ricky had only told Danny how he felt about me and hadn’t made Danny’s decision for him. In fact, Ricky might have done us all a favor by bringing this to a head so soon, as this decision might help Danny get over the lingering effects of the schism with father and help him adapt to a life with us. After thinking about it for a few seconds more, I decided to leave things as they were and not upset the apple cart.
“Yeah, and that makes us brothers,” Ricky announced, causing Danny to look at him and grin. I think that gave me another missing piece of the puzzle.
“I like that idea too,” Danny beamed, as he put his arm up and over his new brother’s shoulder. I guess they HAD hit it off while taking their little walk. I was glad to see this happen, for both of them.
“Come on, Danny, and I’ll show you the computer,” Ricky told him. “If you want, Dad will even help you get your own sign on and email address.”
Danny looked at me inquisitively. “Would you really do that?” he asked, uncertain as to whether Ricky was in a position to make such an offer. “If you did, then I could e-mail some of my old friends and let them know I’m okay,” he explained. “I remember some of their email addresses and one of them could send me the ones I’ve forgotten.” He was looking at me, with signs of hope evident in his expression.
“Certainly,” I replied. “That won’t be a problem and there’s not much to it.” Danny almost leaped in the air with joy as I responded and then he turned and smiled at Ricky too, as a silent thank you for making it happen. While they were still celebrating, I went over to the computer, sat down in my chair and began to fulfill his request. Before long, I had a boy standing on either side of my chair, eagerly waiting for me to finish.
I quickly fixed Danny up with a screen name and email address, but before he could use it, I decided I needed to do something else first. I asked Ricky to stay in the office and play on the computer for a while, to give Danny and me some time alone, and Ricky just winked in my direction and said, “No problem, Dad.” Once that had been settled, I guided Danny to the living room, so we could have our private chat.
I walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch and Danny followed and sat down beside me. I turned my body slightly, so I was facing him before I began to speak. “Danny, I know you haven’t been here long,” I began, “but I was hoping you might be willing to tell me what happened between you and your father. You don’t have to go into every little detail, but I’d like to know why he threw you out.”
I was playing dumb in order to give him the impression Sally hadn’t shared that information with me. I didn’t want him turning against her, if he thought she had, and I knew Sally also hoped he’d discuss this with her in more detail later. The thing was, I needed him to be able to trust me too, or I knew we wouldn’t have much of a chance of really bonding.
He looked up at me and began to open his mouth, but his expression told me he didn’t really want to get into this and take the chance of ruining our new relationship. I knew I had to put him at ease, or he wasn’t going to tell me anything. “Danny, nothing you can say will make me feel any differently about you,” I advised him. “Whatever you tell me will stay between US, but I’d just like to know what happened. If you want anyone else to know about it later, then you’ll have to tell that person yourself, because they’re not going to hear about it from me.”
Although I saw him let out a small sigh, showing he was somewhat relieved by my comment, his head still drooped slightly after I spoke to him. Eventually, he began to lift his head again, and as he did so, I could see tears rolling down his cheeks. His eyes began to search my face, as he tried to decide if I could really be trusted. After a while, he must have come to some kind of a conclusion, because he began to answer my question. “He threw me out because I’m gay,” he sobbed out. “He called me a queer, faggot and homo sissy pants.” The hurt from what had happened was evident on his face, as well as in his voice, and it just about broke my heart. Wanting to take away some of his pain, I pulled him toward me and cradled him in my arms.
“That’s why he threw you out?” I asked, trying to sound incredulous and let him know I didn’t think being gay was bad or such a big deal.
“Yes,” he answered, his tears flowing even harder now. “Why do I have to be like that? I don’t want to be, but I am. I don’t want people calling me those names or treating me like they think there’s something wrong with me, so why am I like this?”
“Danny, it’s all right,” I said comfortingly. “It’s not something you can choose or change, but it’s also not something you should have to hide. It’s just how you are and it doesn’t make you bad or evil.”
“But why can’t I just be like everybody else?” he asked me. He sounded almost desperate.
“Well, if you are truly gay, it’s not something you can change, like you do your clothes,” I advised him. “You can’t modify that any more than you could truly alter your skin or eye color. You might be able to learn to hide your feelings and keep others from knowing about your orientation, but it’s who you are deep down inside.”
“But I’ve heard that gays can become normal, if they want to,” he told me. “I’ve tried to like girls instead, but I just don’t feel the same way about them.”
“Danny, I think the people who claimed they’ve been able to change were bisexual to begin with, not gay,” I informed him.
“What’s bisexual mean?” Danny wanted to know.
“It means a person who is attracted to both sexes,” I explained. “That would mean a guy could get aroused no matter who he’s with, whether it’s a guy or a gal.” He was looking at me oddly now, sporting a very puzzled expression. “Is something wrong?” I asked him.
“Yeah, what’s aroused mean?” he needed to know.
“That means you are physically attracted to that person and can get an erection,” I advised him, but he still looked confused. “You know – a stiffie, a woody, a boner.” Suddenly, a spark of recognition registered on his face.
“Oh!” he said, finally understanding and blushing slightly. “And you don’t hate me because I’m gay?”
“No way,” I answered, adamantly. “I wouldn’t care if you were attracted to wolves or space aliens. I like Danny the person - the good looking, considerate, intelligent and athletic boy whom I’ve seen so far. I look at the whole person and I would never dislike anyone just because there was something about him that I found annoying or didn’t admire. No one is perfect, so there will always be things about others that we don’t particularly like. If we let those things ruin a friendship, then we’d never have any friends and would end up being alone all our lives.”
Danny’s body seemed to relax dramatically, like a big weight had been lifted from him. “Thank you for not being like my OTHER dad,” he told me, and I could tell he was not only appreciative, but also sincere. “I was worried that maybe you and Ricky wouldn’t want me around either, after you found out.”
“Heck no,” I responded. “You’re my son now and I’ll love you no matter what. I may not like some of the things you do, like if you decided to go out and rob a bank, but I’d still love you and you’d still be my son.”
“I wish that other guy felt the same way!” he exclaimed, before becoming a little emotional. It was evident he was talking about his father, but I guess he didn’t even feel he wanted to call him that any more. He paused for a second, to regain his composure.
“Danny, do you want to talk about how you feel concerning what happened?” I asked him, but he just stared at me and didn’t reply. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to, but sometimes it helps just to get it out in the open and get it off your chest. For some people, just talking about it helps put it behind them.” He was staring a hole through me now.
“Maybe you’re right,” he finally admitted, but then he became quiet again. I thought I’d better prompt him, to get him started.
“Danny, how did he find out about you in the first place,” I asked. It took him a while to finally respond.
“It all started when we began having problems with the computer,” he admitted. “My parents aren’t very good with computers and can’t do much on them, so my dad asked someone he knew to come over and take a look at it. When the guy did, he found a file I had hidden that contained some pictures of naked guys and showed it to my dad.”
“And where did you get those from?” I pressed.
“I downloaded them from some free sites I’d found online,” he admitted.
“But why didn’t you erase them after you looked at them?” I followed. Danny hung his head and hesitated, before he answered.
“I wanted to keep them, so I could look at them when… you know… to help me when I needed to… well, get off.” He still hadn’t looked up at me and I knew he was a little uncomfortable admitting this, so I tried to make it sound as if it weren’t anything horrible.
“Well, that makes sense,” I began. “We sometimes need a little stimulus to get things started, but I think maybe you should have just remembered the link to the free site and not stored them on your hard drive.”
“Yeah, I know that now,” Danny agreed, although looking guilty that he hadn’t thought of that before. I thought it was time to move on to another topic and take him off the hook, personally.
“Danny, how do you feel about what your father said and did, once he found out?” I asked, feeling I needed to get to the crux of this issue. When Danny looked up at me, I could see his eyes were moistening up again.
“Well, at first he just wanted to know how those pictures got there, so I told them I’d saved them, not thinking he’d get that angry about them,” Danny informed me. “I knew he’d be mad at first, but I thought he’d get over it.”
“And he didn’t?” I followed.
“Not at all,” Danny confessed. “In fact, he got even madder. He asked me if I was a fairy and liked looking at naked guys. When I didn’t answer, he began screaming that he would have never guess I was a goddamn queer. He wanted to know how an athlete could be a faggot and then said something like I’d probably just gone out for sports so I could see the other guys naked in the shower.”
“Was that it?” I pressed.
“Oh, no!” Danny admitted. “Once the guy fixing the computer left, he got really mad, saying that now that one of his friends knew he had a faggot for a son, everyone else would soon know too. He wanted me to tell him how I could do something like that and embarrass the whole family in the process.”
“And how did you respond?” I followed.
“I told him I didn’t mean to do that, but I couldn’t change how I felt.” Danny was sobbing now, as he recalled that awful exchange. “He told me I’d either have to change or leave, and after I told him I’d tried to like girls and they didn’t do anything for me, he told me to get out of his house, because he wasn’t going to have no fucking homo living under his roof.” I pulled Danny toward me and hugged him, to let him know he was safe and welcomed here.
“And how did you feel after hearing that?”
“At first I was hurt that he would say those things about me and was throwing me out,” he admitted, “but after a while I started to become angry instead. I just couldn’t understand how my father could do that to me. I always thought he loved me, but I guess he never did.” Tears were streaming down his face now and his body had become very tense.
“Danny, I’m sure he did love you, and I think down deep he probably still does,” I offered, sympathetically, putting my hand on his shoulder and kneading it gently.
“No way!” Danny told me, forcefully. “You didn’t see or hear him. He hates me now and there’s no way I will believe differently.” I wanted to say something in rebuttal, but I just couldn’t come up with anything I thought would be appropriate or effective.
“How could he care about me, when he threw me out?” Danny challenged. “He knew I didn’t have anywhere to go or any place to stay. I spent a few nights sleeping in the park and sometimes I was able to get a friend to let me stay with them,” he continued. “When that happened, I could take a shower and change into something clean, but I didn’t have much with me. I was only able to take a few things that night, so I didn’t have many clothes to change into.” My heart was aching, just listening to his story, but I knew the catharsis would help him heal. The whole time, my fingers had continued to work gently on his shoulder, as a way of letting him know I was still there for him.
“One night I couldn’t find anybody to stay with,” he continued, “so I was going to sleep in the park again, but that’s when the cops caught me.” He showed very little emotion as he told me this, which surprised me. I thought the memory of that experience would have upset him more, but he was extremely calm while recalling it. In fact, it almost looked as if he was actually back there again.
“You know, I’m kind of glad that happened now,” he confessed, “or else I could still have been living on my own, with no place to go and no one to care about me. Instead, I’m living here with you and Ricky and I think I’m going to be really happy here.” He cracked a weak smile as he said this and then he looked up at me.
“You know, I’m glad they found you too,” I told him, while looking him directly in the eyes, “otherwise I wouldn’t have a second very special son.” I pulled him toward me now, to give him a hug, just to show him that I meant what I said. As I did that, he began crying even harder. After trying to console him for a few seconds, I held him at arm’s length, so I could look him in the face.
“Did I do or say something wrong?” I asked, not sure what had caused this outburst.
“It’s just that you make me feel so good,” he replied, still sobbing slightly. “Not only did you let me come live with you, but you didn’t turn on me because I was gay either. And Ricky’s been real nice to me too. Do you think he’ll be okay with me being gay?” His expression showed he was worried about what my answer might be.
“Well, I can’t be positive,” I informed him, “but knowing Ricky, I doubt it will bother him at all.”
“You mean that?” he asked, still not convinced I was being honest with him.
“Yes, I do,” I told him. “Ricky has had it rough too and he’s not the kind to judge others harshly, unless they aren’t nice people. So, I don’t think you’ll have too much to worry about.”
“I hope not,” he admitted, “because I really like Ricky. You guys have been really great to me, and I don’t want that to end or lose either of you.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen, and thanks for the vote of confidence,” I responded. “I feel the same way about you, and I think Ricky does too. I’m glad we’ve had this little talk,” I confided. “I feel better and I’ve learned a lot.”
“I’ve learned a lot too,” he shot back, “like staying away from banks.” He flashed me a wry smile after saying that, and it took me a couple of seconds before I remembered the comment I had made earlier, about not liking things he might do, like robbing a bank.
“You do that,” I advised him, while tousling his hair and feeling we might have just made a major breakthrough.