It was a pinch in the back of my mind for days afterward. The idea of me being totally and hopelessly in love with Dustin, and not being able to say it. Not being able to show it. Not even being able to really acknowledge or embrace it fully for fear that the emotion would show on my face. Or in my actions towards him. He'd know what I was thinking right away. I'm POSITIVE of it! He always watched me so closely when we talked, he always looked me directly in the eye. Fearlessly so. He could quote back to me every word that I ever said to him without any effort at all. And when you feel this strongly about someone so beautiful...it's bound to come out. As much as you fight it or do your best to hide it, it envelopes every aspect of your conversation, every extended gaze, every lingering touch of my hand on his shoulder. There's no way that I'd be able to conceal something this incredibly powerful from his youthful curiosity once he found a hint of it in my eyes. The comment, 'a cute blond boy', alone had already tipped him off to my interest in him over a week ago. And that put me in a dangerous position. A position where I feared that my intentions were being monitored. If for no other reason than to tease me about it later.
I just.....I wanted to cut it off. Immediately! Moe than ever, since I first realized that I even liked teenage boys in that way...I seriously wanted that feeling gone. Not because I didn't want Dustin, because I DID! Badly! I wanted to hold him and kiss him with every labored breath that I took in his presence. I just didn't want to ruin what we had by being a creepy old child molester. You know? I can't really 'approach' him or anything, so why even bother with this sensation? Why fall victim to another stupid fantasy that will NEVER happen to me? I know I should probably stop spending so much time with Dustin, period. Maybe let things cool off entirely before I end up being tempted by the rapidly growing feelings in my heart. But the truth is...I couldn't. My heart was clinging so tightly to the shining light of his soul, that it defiantly refused to let him go. I was stuck. Held still by the reflected light of the friendly affection in his eyes. My mind interpreting that boyish smile as a simple youth. My heart seeing it as love being born anew. My sex drive hailing it as an 'open invitation' to give it a shot before I miss my chance. And all of my sensibilities were trapped in the middle, wondering which road to take. Which path would give me the least amount of regret in the end of all this. I was lost and confused beyond hope. And I can't remember ever aching for someone so blindly before.
And yet, by some strange twist of fate....having Dustin there with me to smile and laugh and hang out with...made me happy. He was both the problem and the solution, and I was temporarily 'content' to remain suspended above any kind of real truth as to what our relationship meant to him. As long as he was happy....that was all I needed to be happy myself. It's a difficult feeling to describe. Then again, it's a difficult feeling to live with.
"You know, if you get one more of these ten dollar DVDs, you can get it for just a dollar with the sale." I told the elderly lady in front of me, who didn't seem to be able to grasp the concept.
"Well...what if I don't 'want' another one?" She said, and I simply didn't have the energy to argue with her that day. You try to help folks out, and they just won't let you do it.
"That's fine." I said, and started to ring her up for the merchandise on the counter. I was maybe in the middle of the transaction when I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Naturally, I glanced up, and looked across the hall. Dustin was standing in the doorway of the music store, jumping around and trying to get my attention...making some of the SILLIEST damn faces that I had ever seen in my life! Hahaha! His eyes stretched, his lips were contorted and twisted around his teeth, his hands were pushing out his ears, or pulling down his eyelids...and he marched around in front of me while I tried not to smile. The sad thing about it all...he was STILL cute! He couldn't even be 'average' on purpose.
"Do you folks still have that frequent buyer card deal?" The lady asked me.
I was holding my smile back, but when I had to answer her, a little giggle escaped my lips anyway. "Hehehe....um...yeah. Yeah, we still got that deal." Dustin was relentless in trying to make me laugh, and just as he was turning up the juice, one of the faces he made was so incredibly weird that even HE had to laugh outloud at himself. "Hahahaha!" I burst out laughing in front of the lady at the counter, along with my adorable partner in crime across the hall, and she gave me the strangest look. Not a 'confused' look, mind you. It was one of those, 'how dare you be so unprofessional' looks, and I tried my best to hold it back. GOD...did I try!
"What's funny about a frequent buyer card?" She asked.
"Nothing. I'm sorry. Really." I snickered to myself a little bit, but kept my mouth shut. Don't smile, Eric. Stay calm, for JUST a few seconds! We can give that little brat a playful smack later once this lady is gone. "Here ya go, just fill out the bottom portion here, and I'll give you a stamp."
Dustin was still tickled with himself and kept at it, his playfulness overpowering me from a distance. I looked away from him, hoping that it would help, but I could still see his movements hopping around in my peripheral vision. So I felt an uncontrollable smile sweep across my face and looked at him briefly. The record store he worked at was playing A-ha's "Take On Me", and he started doing the goofiest dance to it, while still contorting his face as much as he could manage without it splitting open. I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing again, and our eyes met. His baby blue specs lit up, and when he saw me ready to burst, he began to boyishly giggle to himself without being able to stop. He was actually turning pink in his face from trying to keep his composure long enough to make more faces at me, but couldn't stop snickering long enough. He crossed his eyes and pushed out his jaw to bite his upper lip, his fingers curled and floated up in the air to give me his famous 'dizzy wolfman' face...and I nearly LOST it! So I turned my back to him completely and tried my best to erase the image from my mind completely before I doubled over laughing and this lady asked to see the manager. I hated him for being able to so easily get to me...but it was times like this that I couldn't help but love him more. He was the source of my every joy, and I doubted that a day without him would be anything less than tragic.
Thankfully, the lady filled out the form quickly, and was gone shortly afterward. It felt so good to BREATHE again! I spun around and snickered while shaking my fist at Dustin for his crazy antics. And then, even though the record store was pretty full of customers, he secretly looked around to both sides of the hall, and decided to leave his post to run over and say hi to me. "What's up?" He said happily.
"Hehehe, don't you 'what's up' me, you bastard! You could have gotten me in deep shit." I grinned.
"Unh-unh! She wasn't gonna do nothin'! Besides...I LIKE to see you smile! Especially when you're trying not to. It's soooo cute!" He said, pinching my cheeks. It drove me wild when he was kidding around and said things like that. But I did my best not to let it show on my face.
"You had better get back to your store before you get in trouble or something." I told him, now becoming so attracted by his very presence that it was getting hard to hold back from kissing him on his smiling pink lips. The more distance I could keep between us, the better. It was hard to just be friendly when he was being so unbelievably adorable.
"I'm not gonna get in trouble...promise."
"Well...I'M gonna get in trouble just for talking to you."
His bottom lip pushed out a little bit, and he gave me the sweetest playfully pouted face that you can possibly imagine. But only for a second before his smile was in full bloom again. "Ok...well, when do you go on break? Send me a signal or something so I can ask to go at the same time. K?"
Sighhh...you have no idea what it's like to have the center of your universe, your dream of what perfection must be in this world, ask to spend time with you with such enthusiasm. It's the most heartwarming part of my afternoon. "Um...I think I'm going at four...so...if you want...."
"I'll BE there! Don't leave without me, k?"
"Hehehe! I'm not gonna leave without you. Promise."
Dustin smiled, and pushed the long side of his sweet blond locks out of his eyes. Then he said, "You better not. Cause I wanna see you today." He was so cute that it made you weak in the stomach. The sparkle in his eyes, the sound of his voice....it made you test your sense of reality. Everything about him was dreamlike, and I couldn't believe that I had gotten so lucky as to have him there talking to me. ME! How crazy is this?
I sneak peeks at him all day long. I feel guilty about it, of course. It seems so...I dunno...dirty. It's disgusting to be perving over a little boy so intensely. But no words can truly explain the feeling. That rush of adrenaline when your eyes pass over his slim young body, his teenage frame looking so soft to the touch. To just see the way his clothes would hang on his sleek shoulders and flat chest...it would fill me with this incredible sensation that made me blush with excitement. Sometimes, I'd catch myself sighing outloud, and that magnetic pull of his almost makes me want to confess. Just spill out all of my deepest feelings to him and let him know how much I loved everything about him...just on the one in a million chance that he might be...or just could be...
"Excuse me? Can you help me for a minute?" Asked some guy from the back of the store, and I was sucked back into the real world. Where those beautiful vibrations in my chest are deemed creepy and wrong, and the beauty of anyone under 18 is supposed to be ignored by everyone over 18. I should be thanking him for not allowing me to fall too deep into the dream. It gets harder and harder to deal with waking up when I fall too deep.
An hour passed, and I was only 15 minutes from my lunch break. It's amazing how after all this time, I can still get excited over seeing him for all of 25 minutes. The funny thing is, I would look across the hall, and see him smile at me. Pointing to his watch to make sure that I knew the time. He seems just as anxious as I am. Hehehe, youth gives you the luxury to get excited over the little things. Over just about anything. Even something as lame as spending time with someone almost a decade older than he is. But what's strange is, when we're together, that generation gap doesn't seem to be there at all. Every bit of our conversation seems to connect somehow, sometimes with him acting more like he was my age....and sometimes with me acting more like I was his. I really do need to figure out how this works someday.
It was then that some young female mall-rats walked into the store giggling. They seemed to be high school age, and were in a group of three, carrying various bags of clothes and junk jewelry. It felt like a minor disruption in my thoughts, but I was going on break soon anyway, so why worry about it. In fact, I was hardly paying them any attention at all until a fourth girl came hurrying into the video store with a big grin on her face. "Omigod, omigod! Chelsea! Guess who I just saw across the hall!!!"
"What are you doing over there? That place sucks." The other girl replied.
"Not TODAY, it doesn't! Look!"
"Just LOOK!" So the girls sort of take turns making little secretive peeks into the cd store. Nonchalantly, trying to hide their stares. Pretty much the same way I do. Geez...am I that bad?
"I don't see anything Becca....oh wait...who is that?"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you! It's Dustin!"
"YES! Could he be ANY cuter?" All of the girls huddled up together and all melted simultaneously. Undoubtedly, they've been exposed to Dustin's beauty before now. I imagine they probably get to see him all the time. It was interesting, watching somebody else fall all over themselves at the very sight of him. Comforting too. It doesn't feel like such a disease when other teenage girls do it. It's the natural order of things. "Wow, I can't believe he's here working at the mall."
One of the girls got an idea, and shook Chelsea's shoulder. "Omigod, Chelsea! You should invite him to the party next weekend!"
"WHAT?!?!? NO!!! I can't do that!" She whispered loudly, now hiding behind one of the displays to keep from being seen.
"Why not?" One of her friends insisted. "You should ask him! What if he says yes?"
"I am NOT going to ask Dustin Hunter to a party! Are you crazy? I wouldn't know what to say."
"Say, 'Hi Dustin, can you come to my party? I promise to lick you anywhere you ask me to if you do! ANYWHERE!' Hehehe!" The girl mentioning THAT course of action got a serious swat on her arm for the comment. But her friends were all practically pushing her up to it.
"C'mon, Chelsea! You, like, totally LOVE him! You've been in love with him since the 6th grade! Now's your chance! Go! Ask him!"
"No...I...I just can't ok? Can't one of YOU guys do it?" Chelsea said with a whine.
"I'LL do it!" One girl said, maybe a bit too eagerly.
"Don't you DARE! Just...forget it!" The other girls surrounded her with pressing looks, and she looked back out towards Dustin...just as his fingers made another long slow trip through the long side of his golden blond hair. She was so infatuated that she looked as though she was redy to cry. "He is sooooo cute. I can't do this."
"Ok, what about this? You write him an invitation on a piece of paper or something, and we'll just...we'll give it to him and leave!"
"Do you think I can?"
"Of COURSE you can! INVITE him already! Get him there, and then smother him with love and kisses until he passes out!" The girls shared a unified squeal of puppy love, and then came up to the counter where I was. It wasn't until that very moment, that I really became kinda 'jealous' of the situation. It felt silly, getting jealous of teenage girls being crazy over a teenage boy. It's like being jealous of a fish because he can swim better than me. I guess this was supposed to happen this way. This was....better. Better than some abnormal obssession between me and this...'youngster'. Still...it hurt a little bit when they asked me, "Excuse me sir? Can we borrow some paper?" Great...I've gone from being one of 'them' to being a 'sir' now. A 'sir'. That's like...a knife in the heart, you know? It's the death of every man's childhood to be called 'sir' by someone in high school. Not only that, but I was giving them the tools they needed to steal away the biggest pleasure of my life. I was helping them redirect Dustin's heart and attention towards somebody else. And the only thing that hurt worse than that, was knowing that he was better off that way from day one.
I gave the girls the paper, and watched as they hugged up around each other, writing a short note. They kept laughing and giggling and screaming out ideas. Things like 'Make sure you give him your address!' and 'Don't forget your phone number! Omigod, maybe he'll CALL you or something!' I could feel my eyes drop down to the counter, and my heart sank lower and lower. I wasn't really depressed or anything. Just....I wish I had the opportunity they did...to get to be close to a special boy like Dustin. To be able to tell my friends about him, or smile at him with an infatuated blush in my cheeks, or to just giggle nervously in front of him without having to worry about how much of a criminal act it was to even be talking to him as an equal. I hate the fact that I wasn't younger. For him. For me. For us.
"Oh man, tell him NOT to bring a date! I'll DIE if he brings a date!"
"I can't put that in the note! He'll know something is up!"
"Something IS up! Hehehe!" One girl said. "Draw a little heart on it! Just make it look decorative or something!"
Another girl blurted out, "Ask him how big his DICK is!!!" And they all broke down into a fit of giggles. For them it was an adventure. FOR ME..it was just heartbreaking. I should be ashamed of myself for it, but I was suddenly hoping that Dustin rejected them all and ripped the note in half the second they gave it to him. How wrong is that?
"Ok, ok, ok, ok....how's it look?"
"Give it to him! Go!"
"Ok, come with me! Omigod I can't believe I'm DOING THIS! Shhhh! Don't say anything! You better not embarass me!" And all of the girls shuffled their way out of the door. But not before saying, "THANKS MISTER!" Sheesh! Cringes....now I'm a 'mister'? That's even worse than SIR! What am I, a friend of your father's from work?
I watched. I should have turned around and just let fate run its course, sweeping Dustin up in the world of giggly girls and high school parties. I should just let that boy have his fun. But I watched anyway. I scoped out every second of their interaction as the girls flooded into the store and pretended to not notice that he worked there until he came up and said hello. His smile was cheerful..it always is. I guess he's that way with everybody. Considering the madness that had just taken place over here a moment ago, the girls handled themselves pretty well. As far as not babbling and screaming was concerned anyway. And the entire time, I was hoping and praying that he would remain mine, and mine alone...for just a LITTLE bit longer. The final stab at my emotions came when they actually handed him the note....and I saw him turn red as they all sort of chuckled about it together. I don't know why my emotions were so twisted around that one moment, but it felt like someone was squeezing my heart in a vice until it almost burst. Damn this sick sensation of mine.
I honestly wondered if those girls could see in him what I see. I wonder if their fantasies were as rich, and detailed, and orgasmic as my own. I wondered if they even COULD be. Yes....I dream about the day when I can look into Dustin's eyes and have him see the love that dwells there with no shame whatsoever. I think about holding him against me, and feeling his body jiggle as he lets out one of his sweet giggles. I think about letting my lips linger tenderly on the softness of his cheek, while we both close our eyes and listen to see if we can hear each other's heart beating. I also fantasize about what his body must look like, finally getting a glimpse of what's underneath those clothes. How warm it must be to the touch, how smooth it must feel, how young, how firm. I imagine it must be a complete circus of conflicting emotions to kiss him on the lips and have him respond with a blossoming passion that only teenagers know. A passion that I was slowly learning to forget until Dustin appeared in my life and turned everything around me into a total dream.
My fantasies go further still. I wonder what it would be like, what look would reflect in his eyes as I lay him down for the first time. Covering him with kisses so gentle that he has to keep his eyes open to know where they were landing on his chest, and his nipples, and his soft tummy. I imagine myself sucking him in deeply, breathlessly, while he's laying on his back. Wetting him down as I let my fingertips rest on his belly, and trace small circles that cause him to wiggle and spasm in slow motion. Hearing his heavy breathing, his pulse racing up through his hardness and dancing in my mouth. I picture his knees resting lightly on my shoulders, his long coltish legs draped over me, his heels resting comfortably in the small of my back. I hear him moan, and whimper, and his young thighs tense up against my cheeks as his hot groin area cradles my face. My nostrils are blessed with his scent, and whatever hair he has down there would brush lightly across the tip of my nose as I took him all the way into me. I wouldn't miss a single inch. Not one. His boyish aroma, the alluring scent I smell on him every day, I imagine it being much stronger there. Much hotter, much more erotic. An overload of pheromones that makes me dizzy with passion. I try to mentally translate that scent into a flavor, and try to imagine what he must taste like. What would that deliciously sweet 14 year old boy taste like, as his hips grind up into my face...and his hardness, sheathed in a sensual padding of soft meat...begins to slide back and forth across the surface of my tongue. Locked in the almost desperate vacuum of my lips, my hands moving down to grip the tight orbs of his ass, his soft young fingers running circles in my hair? What kind of chaos would that bring to my life, knowing that such an ultimate pleasure could exist here on Earth. I'd probably live forever.
Sighhh....my libido is so out of control.
I heard a roar of laughter as the girls poured out of the cd store, and ran off giggling to bring their mayhem to some other unsuspecting part of the mall. Feeling a bit rejected already, I sorta glanced up and saw Dustin still a bit red in the face. I gave him a nod, working up the best smile that I could, and he sort of shook his head in a bashful way that let his silken hair sway softly over his face. It truly is a curse to 'hate' yourself for being in love.
"Sorry I'm late, Eric! I was trying to rush through some traffic to get here and I swear that the senior citizens in the area are starting a '10 mph or less' road militia or something! Ugh!" Said Jack as he rushed passed the counter with his backpack on his shoulder. I saw him hurriedly walk to the back to drop his stuff off and punch in, and he came briskly walking back up to the front. "SO...how has it been today?" He asked.
"The usual. Absolutely perfect beginning of the day, then we open the doors and let the freakin' customers in, and the day's all shot to hell." I joked. But my eyes remained fixated on my boy across the hall for a few moments more. Needing him. Wanting him. Needing him to want me back.
"You wanna know why I'm late?" Jack asked me with a smile.
"There's more to it than old folks driving slow on the roads?"
"A LOT more!" Jack's grin demanded attention, and my gaze was pulled away to indulge him.
"Let me guess...you spent the night at Phillip's house?"
"BINGO!" He was practically jumping for joy without moving. His smile was contagious. "Phillip's wife is visiting a college friend of hers, and she won't be back until Monday! So I'm get two more days of 'man love', and that means sleeping next to my sweetheart! AND....'waking' up next to him too." Jack winked at me, and I rolled my eyes with a grin.
"Yes, I did! I woke up this morning...well, more like this afternoon, because we had a loooong night...and he was just...laying there beside me. So I woke him up with a little treat in bed, and we made love like THREE times before I got here! Wow! We didn't wanna stop....but I had to work. So..."
"So you were late. Yadda yadda yadda..." I said.
"Awww, do I detect a hint of jealousy? Hehehe!" Sometimes, I really hated that smug grin of his. Not that I wouldn't be wearing one twice as big if I had someone to love like he did. Once the love bug bites you, life seems so hard without it. You can't go back after that. "Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure you'll find yourself a cute guy to shack up with soon enough."
"SHHH!!! Can we nix the 'guy' talk, please? Geez, out me to the whole world, why don't you?"
"You're so paranoid. You know, if you were 'out'...I'll bet you'd have guys lined up to come see you." Jack told me. "You just have to make yourself 'available', dude. If guys think you're straight, they're just gonna give you a quick look and then move on to somebody else. You've gotta kinda....get in touch with your inner 'Judy' a bit more often, babe."
"Whatever. Advice for the ages, I'm sure."
I then saw Jack look over my shoulder. "Looks like it's break time. The jailbait's trying to get your attention." I turned around and saw Dustin waving over at me, letting me know he was going on lunch. "I swear, that boy is sex on two legs. If I was in high school again, I'd be under the bleachers with him in a heartbeat!"
I smiled, and looked back at Jack. "You think he's cute, huh?"
"Oh he's gorgeous!" I almost had a moment to enjoy the feeling of being able to share this emotion with someone else....but he ruined it by adding the ever 'neccessary', "Of course, I wouldn't ever DO anything with him. But if he was legal, I'd fuck his brains out." And there was the fine print. In place, just like it always is. That protective little comment that keeps Jack from looking like a total creep for even mentioning such an abominable act. Without that righteous shield that he and everybody else carries with them so easily....he'd be just as sick and disgusting.....as 'I'was.
Dustin was already outside in the hallway, anxiously tapping his foot with his hands in his pockets, by the time I had come back from punching out for lunch. The smile on that boys face...the way it greeted you with such an innocent flair of uncensored joy sometimes...it was the most uplifting sight in the world. His light blue eyes were twinkling and he leaned sideways to butt shouldrs with me as we walked down to the food court together. I could feel that 'pull' in my heart becoming stronger and stronger. Even when I tried to ignore it. It was becoming more of a 'yank', a 'snatch', as Dustin's raw beauty and easily loveable spirit combined to double team my common sense in a tug of war for my emotions. Hearing him speak was enough to cause a frightening feeling of helplessness to well up inside me, and I just couldn't get it to stop.
We got our food from different places, which was a challenge in itself. Dustin, while maintaining this flawless image of independence, was willing to follow me anywhere. Even when I asked him where he was going to eat, and made sure to pick a different place entirely, he would just say, "Ooh, actually that sounds pretty good. Maybe I should go there instead." It took me a few seconds to shake my little 'satelite' and get him to get the lunch he wanted while I got my own, but he never once lost that idolizing smile of his. He really just adored being close to me, and it was tearing me up inside.
It sounds awful, but to be totally honest, I think I was trying to force some space between us. Especially after the girls giving him the note and all, and Jack's comment in the store...I just didn't want to be held so captive by this infatuation anymore. I knew the other shoe was going to drop eventually, and I knew that it was going to hurt. So I tried to keep him at arms length, much like bracing myself for a punch that was sure to knock me flat on my back. Dustin was cheerful and playful as always, practically bouncing around in his seat as he talked to me about whatever sunshine details he could give me about his day. But there was something tainted in me that kept me from enjoying it as much today. There was a loophole in my illusion now. I was almost kinda mad at him for being so carefree as though I didn't know about the party invitation in his pocket. I was upset that they gave it to him. I was upset that he TOOK it. God, it felt ridiculous, but it was almost like he was 'cheating' on me. This is why I'm so screwed up. This is what I go through.
I just watched in silence as he talked about new shoes he wanted to buy, and a new acoustic cd that came into the store that he wanted...and then he suddenly stopped in the middle of his chipmunk chatter and gave me a look. "Aw dude, I'm sorry. I talk too much, don't I?"
"No, it's ok. Go ahead."
"No, I'm being annoying now. I'm sorry, k? Tell me what's up with you." He brushed back his blond hair for a second, and leaned forward as though I were ready to give him the answer to the meaning of life.
"Hehehe, there's nothing up with me. Just work, and home, and sleep, and more work."
"Come on, there's gotta be more than that. Tell me, I wanna know."
"Well...there's you. That's pretty much the most exciting part of my day right now." I said, and suddenly wished that I could take it back. I didn't mean for that to sound like it did. I MEANT for it to be sorta...'sarcastic' or something. Instead it came out sounding like a big flirtatious confirmation of every disappointing feeling in my heart for this kid. What the hell is WRONG with me?
"Really?" He said, but I was too busy kicking myself to answer. Thank goodness I had my soda in front of me to take my eyes away from his and distract myself from the situation by taking a sip. "You're the most exciting part of my day too." He said quietly, and when I looked up, he turned away. It was like his smile had vanished completely, and it almost seemed like he wanted to hide away somewhere where I couldn't see the look on his face. It was a bashful escape from the moment, and he took a sip of his own soda as he looked off into space for a bit.
Little things like that sent chills rushing to my stomach, and they felt good. It was an unshakeable sensation, and just when I was beginning to fall again, Dustin changed the subject. "I need more ketchup." He said, and he got up to grab a few packets from a nearby burger joint. I let out a breath of relief that I didn't even know that I was holding in, getting a bit of space for a second and regaining my composure before I started seeing 'signals' where there weren't any. When he came back to sit down, that awkward moment had passed and things got to a bit more normal again. "I saw some friends of mine from school today, which was pretty cool. They came in the store earlier and were shopping around and stuff."
"Yeah...I saw them. A giggling squad of female groupies, right?" I said, and he looked at me sideways.
"Oh...them?" He replied. "No...I was talking about somebody else. These guys I know from my Spanish class. Um...that's who I meant." There was a pause between us, and that hidden tension fell over us again. "Those girls...I don't really know them."
"Hehehe, well they seem to know you "Well, I mean...I know them....but I don't 'KNOW them' know them. They just kinda...go to my school...and stuff. So...yeah." He was being cute again. There was nothing more adorable than Dustin being shy about something. He looked down at his fries, and was instinctively tugging at his earring like he usually does when he's nervous.
"So...what did they say to you?"
"The girls, Dustin. Try to keep up." I teased.
"Nothing..." He said, and there was another pause. Evidently 'girls' was not a topic of conversation he wanted to talk about. Then again, I remember being that age, when the whole concept of girls...or boys in my particular case...was such a foreign emotion for me. It was hard, having so many questions and being too embarrassed to ask anybody who might have to look me in the face and give me an answer. Maybe it was a bit too early to be getting this personal with him and his life experience. "...There's sort of...this 'party' coming up....so.....they sorta...want me to go. Um...so like...yeah. They want me to go." He said quietly, peeking up at me from under his long swoop of golden hair. "But...I probably won't go or anything. I mean, it's just, like...whatever. You know?"
"I don't know, Dustin. They seemed to be pretty psyched to have the chance to invite you." I don't know why I was encouraging this. If anything, I should be screaming for him NOT to go.
"Yeah, I know..." He trailed off, and seemed to be a little freaked out by this entire conversation, so I tried to lighten the mood a bit.
"You could show up completely naked with a jar of peanut butter. I think they'd get a kick out of that."
"Yeah..." He said, not really letting what I said sink in at first. "Wait....what?" I started giggling, and he finally got it. "Hahaha! Omigod, shut up! That's SO twisted!" He covered his face and began to blush while he snickered to himself at the idea.
It felt good to bring a smile to that boyish face. "Now THERE'S the grin I know and love."
"HEY! I got an idea! You should come with me! It'll be fun! I can introduce you to everybody, they'll love you, Eric! It'll be awesome!"
I was positive that he was kidding. Me, in a room full of 14-year-old boys and girls, watching them get tipsy off of Peppermint Schnapps and sneak home before curfew. Riiiiight. "Hehehe, um no thanks kiddo. I don't think I'd fit in at one of your little parties."
But something had gone horribly wrong with that statement, and Dustin's grin dimmed considerably. "What's that supposed to mean?" He said, his smile still present, but hardly as genuine as before.
"Nothing. Just...I don't imagine I'd be welcome into a room full of teenagers, you know? That's all."
"There might be....SOME older people there, or something. I mean...I don't know for sure or anything...but..."
"Older like...seventeen, maybe?" I was hoping that he'd understand that I wasn't serious, but his smile was almost gone at this point, and I didn't have a way to fix it anymore. "Dustin...I'm just kidding. You know that right?"
"Yeah...I knew that." He was quiet for a moment, and started staring off into space again. His eyes were glued to the table, and he almost seemed....ashamed or something. Then, just as the silence was beginning to get uncomfortable, he said, "Um...Eric? Can you do something for me?"
"Can you not call me that?"
"Call you what?"
"'Kiddo'. You call me 'kiddo' sometimes. It makes me sound like a baby." He said quietly.
"Dustin, I didn't mean to..."
"I know. Just...please? Ok?"
He merely had to utter the words, and it was done. I nodded, and the word was instantly scratched out of my mentality for life. I would have done anything for him, and this was a small task. Just knowing that I wasn't going to call him that anymore, brought a bit of that glow back to his eyes, and brightened his smile again with gratitude. I gave him a little poke in the side, my finger connecting with his soft middle and feeling the spongy reaction of his youthful form as I touched it. "How about I just call you bitch from now on? How about that?" I giggled, and a wicked smile broke out on his face.
"Then what would you call your MOM?" He said, and my jaw dropped a little as I gave him a harsh tickling in his side. He jerked and laughed and scooted his chair away from me. "Quit! Quit! I'm gonna spill something!" He said, and tossed a few fries at me. I tossed a few of mine back at him, and just as if nothing had happened at all....all was right with the world again. And I was still in love.
We finished our lunches and were walking back to work when, out of nowhere, Dustin had another one of his idea outbursts. "Hey!"
"Hey, what?" I answered.
"Take me to the movies!"
"Take you where?"
"C'mon, take me to the movies." He said happily. "We can go to the theater at the other end of the mall."
"Tonight!" He grinned.
"Tonight? I don't know, Dustin..."
"Please? We never hang out."
"We just got finished hanging out."
"That was LUNCH! I'm talking about something totally different here. What do you say? Besides, I want to see that horror flick, and the lady at the booth is being a total nazi about letting me in because I'm under 17."
"Ahhhh...so the truth emerges from the ashes. You need me to further encourage your delinquent tendencies." I smiled.
"NO! That's not the only reason I want you to take me. Just...come on. It'll be fun." He said, now holding onto my arm with both hands, trying to get me to look him in the eye while I bashfully forced my gaze to chase the floor. "Please, Eric?"
"Sighhhh....doesn't your bus stop running at 6:30?"
"You can take me home." He said, matter-of-factly.
"Hehehe, gee, thanks for that glowing opportunity." I knew he had me. HE knew he had me. Especially now that he was giving me the puppy dog eyes. "Alright, alright. We'll go after work."
"YES!!!" He said, an excited skip in his step.
"But you're buying your OWN popcorn!" I demanded, only getting a look of mischief from him in return.
"Not if I ask you nicely, I'm not." He giggled, and then gave my arm a quick hug before skipping off across the hall to punch in. And he was right too. I doubt I could deny that damn blond cutie anything he wanted in this world if I had the means to get it for him. God, I'm so whipped it's ridiculous.
There was a strange anxiety that came in waiting for the end of that work day. This troubled feeling that both thrilled me and terrified me at the same time. Even moreso when I would peek across the hall and see Dustin watching me. Any eye contact at all, would cause him to smile at me, and even thought its beauty was a sight to behold, it filled me with a level of nervous jitters that made it impossible for me to look at it for more than a second or two before I turned away. It felt like my first date all over again. I tried to remain calm, and watched him from time to time throughout the rest of the afternoon. He looked almost as mentally distracted as I did. He keeps his hands in his pockets a lot. I just started noticing that. It was cute. Everything about him was cute. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't see myself NOT doing it. I had almost gotten this teen boy sexual orientation thing figured outand Dustin came along and jumbled it all up again. Now I'm just as lost as I was the first time I looked at a 13 year old boy and realized how much older than 13 I was. Confusing is hardly a strong enough word to describe the feeling.
I saw Dustin talking and having a short conversation with one of his co-workers, and was happy to see his attention being held for a moment. Wow...just look at him. Does he have any idea how much time and effort the angels must have put into him to make him such a desireable example of teen perfection? Just letting my eyes wander over him was enough to arouse me beyond belief. I wanted to walk over there, slowly creeping up behind him, and put my chin on his shoulder as my arms slowly snaked their way around his soft tummy. He's so erotically slim that I'm sure that my arms would almost be overlapping with my tender hug. I would hold him close to me, feeling his soft young buns pressed against the front of my pants, and the warmth of the skin on his neck pressed against my cheek. Dustin's arms would cover my own, and he'd melt in my arms as I nibbled sweetly at his earlobe. I'd turn my head to kiss his cheek, and he'd be able to feel my sensual smile against his flesh. I'd give him a squeeze..or maybe even a soft tickle like I did at the table. And his laugh would make him bend over a bit, pushing back against me even more. In fact, knowing Dustin...he'd probably be more the type to tease me by grinding back into me slowly, his hips moving in small passionate circles as I let my fingers drop. To hold and caress the hardest part of him. Using both hands to cover the entire area, and drive him wild as he let his hands reach back over his shoulders to tangle in my hair. To feel him get weak in the knees as my stroking of his manhood increased, and the suction of my lips on his warm neck increased. Pleasing him would be enough to cause my own orgasm to fly, aided by the clutching grip of his firm ass cheeks as he tensed them around my long....hard...
"You're closing tonight? I thought you were supposed to get off a half hour ago." Jack said, suddenly pulling me out of my fantasy world. Jesus...cover that thing with a book or something, Eric!
"Um...well...I'm going to the movies after work, so...I figured I'd stick around for the last hour." I said, sitting on the stool behind the counter to hide my previous thoughts of ecstacy from him.
"Really? What are you going to see?"
"Well..." I started, and then sorta chuckled to myself. "...Hehehe, actually I have no idea. This is all Dustin's plan."
"You're taking him to the movies?" Jack asked.
"Yeah. It's some horror flick, and they won't let him in without a guardian. So...I figured, what the hell, right?" I told him.
"Awww, well THAT'S sweet of you." He grinned. But I wasn't trying to be 'sweet', really. It's not like I was taking an orphan to his first baseball game. We were friends. We were hanging out. But I suppose that's a bit far fetched for some people to entertain. "Well don't do anything I wouldn't do, loverboy." He was teasing, but little jokes like that get to be a lot more complex when it comes to this particular situation. And I get so tired of feeling ashamed about this.
It was torture waiting those last minutes for Dustin to grab his stuff and finish closing up the cd store at the end of the night with his manager. He was rushing around, evidently trying to get out of there as fast as he could, but it wasn't fast enough for me. I stood outside the gate like a loyal puppy waiting at the fence for his young master. I couldn't believe how incredibly nervewracking this all was. Weren't we just eating lunch together a few hours ago? Why is this so different. Maybe Dustin was right. Maybe that didn't 'count' as far as hanging out was concerned. Maybe this was a whole new level for us. And I was worried that it would only make my feelings for him worse than before.
"Sorry. I had to clean up and stuff." He said, running out with his jacket.
"It's no problem. I wasn't waiting long." I lied. And we walked to the other end of the mall to get tickets for the movie.
It was the weekend, and the lines were forming in front of the multiplex theater. Lots of people my age, and even more people Dustin's age, all coming out to have some fun for the evening. I won't lie, it started to feel awkward after a few minutes. Looking around, we seemed 'mismatched', out of place, uneven. It was one of those lonely moments where the age barrier became an actual issue, and it felt like everybody was watching me. It had to be my stupid paranoia kicking in, but I couldn't stop imagining people whispering about how odd it looked, us being friends. Close friends at that. We didn't look related, so why would we be here together like this. Are we gay? Are we dating? Oh how disgusting! Someone should call the cops on that guy! All I wanted to do was buy our tickets and sit down in the theater so I could pretend that those eyes weren't watching, and that strict social limitations didn't matter. And that feeling kept me extremely quiet, and while Dustin had no problem being his usual chatty self, I was too weirded out to really offer much conversation in response. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to tell. No need for both of us to feel awkward in all this.
"I'm talking too much again." Dustin said.
"No, go ahead. I'm listening." I told him.
"You can just tell me to shut up, you know. Don't just let me get all stupid."
"You're FINE, quit worrying so much. I like hearing about you." Again with the spontaneous compliments. I've got to find a way to put a lid on those things.
"Well I like hearing about you too. So you should tell me more stuff." He said, and smiled at me for a moment. "Like...NOW! Hehehe, talk!"
"I don't have anything to tell you." I grinned.
"Yes you do, don't lie." He gave me a little playful shove, and then grabbed me around the arm. He sorta hugged his face up against my shoulder, and I stiffened up from the excitement of it. But we were still in a room full of people, and the display of contact made me extremely uncomfortable, despite its innocence. "Thanks for taking me out, Eric. I'm having fun already." I started to say something about him holding onto my arm. I tried to gently pull myself out of his grasp in a way that didn't make it look like I was pushing him off of me...but when Dustin felt my arm slowly moving away, he gently tightened his grip. "Dude, can I ask you something?"
"If I promise not to abuse it or anything, and I only call, like, once a week or something....can I have your phone number?" He said. As if I wasn't nervous enough as it was.
"Well...I guess." I said, but when I looked at his eyes, I think he was expecting a slightly more enthusiastic answer. I was TREMBLING here! What did he want from me? I worked up a smile, and rephrased. "Sure. You can have my number."
He gasped a little bit with a huge grin. "SERIOUSLY?"
"Hehehe, yeah. You can have it. Here..." I took a movie flyer from one of the stands inside the theater and wrote my digits on the back of it. I don't think I could have made him happier if I tried.
"So...you're for real, right? I mean, can I call you?"
"Well, not right NOW, I'm not home." I joked.
"You know what I mean!"
"Yes, Dustin, you can call me whenever."
"Cool." He said. "I'll call you tomorrow, ok?"
"Sounds like a plan."
"Will you buy my movie ticket?"
"NOW you're pushing it." And we shared a giggle before going inside for the movie.
The film was one of those teeny-bopper slasher flicks where a bunch of rich and pretty 25 year olds pretend to classy 16 year olds, and get predictably hacked to bits by some perverted weirdo that seems to carry a murderous mask with him everywhere he goes and never gets caught. Or even 'bled' on for that matter. So much for CSI, huh? Hehehe, typical. But Dustin seemed to enjoy it, and feeling him jump, even slightly, was an amazing moment for me. Especially when he pretended that it never happened. The entire movie was full of intense kissable moments for me, when I wish I had the 'permission' to follow my heart and just lean over to press my lips against his beauty. To actually be able to taste the 'cute' on him, and shiver from the electric contact. He just keeps pulling my emotions into him...and I'm becoming too weak to pull back. My arms are ready to let go of the rope.
I walked Dustin back to my car, and simply couldn't stop smiling. How he can take all of this weirdness, all of this emotional turmoil and turbulence, and turn it into something so special...so real...is a feat reserved for a sorcerer. He seemed to get more adorable with every grin, every flick of his hair, every tug of his earring, every cocky teenage wisecrack he could come up with. And by the time we had gotten to my car, I was too far in love to stop myself from touching him. Nothing perverse or sexual, mind you. Just....a touch on the shoulder, or a little playful mess of his hair. Those short bursts of contact were orgasmic enough for me. And when he reached out to touch me back...it was like heaven on Earth. I wanted him so badly that I honestly thought I would break down into tears.
"So, do you work tomorrow?" He asked me as I started driving him home.
"Nope. I have tomorrow off. I'm probably going to head out to the DMV or something. I've gotta get a new license. Which sucks, big time. Believe me."
"Can I have your old one?" He smirked.
"Just thought I'd ask. In case I need some liquor or something."
"Riiiiight." There was a silence, and he seemed to get serious in an instant. He looked away from me and mumbled something, but I couldn't really understand him because he was biting his nails and talking under his breath. "What's that?"
"I said...." He paused, and only gave me a little peek and a bashful smile before mumbling, "...I wish you were working tomorrow. It's boring without you."
"Aw, how flattering." I grinned.
"I mean it, you know. Really." He said, and looked back out the window again. For a minute or two, I thought he might stay silent for the rest of the ride home. But the quiet was broken five minutes later when he said, "Do you think I'm young?"
"Do I think you're young? Young, like how?" I asked confused.
"You know. I mean...like just some stupid kid or something?"
"No. No Dustin, I don't think you're stupid at all."
He stopped for a moment, and then he stared at me for a long time. As if he had something important to tell me. As if the car's very ability to keep from being rolled off the road and into a ditch was depending soley on him getting the courage to let the words leave his mouth. Then he simply said. "Ok."
I wondered what he meant. It baffled me trying to figure it out. "Dustin? Is something wrong?"
"I....don't know." He answered.
"Nothing. Never mind." He kept his gaze out of the passenger side window, and now his heel was pounding frantically on the floor-mat beneath him. Another few minutes went by without a single word from him. And my mind did its best to decode what had happened to Mr. Chatterbox between the time we had left the theater, and the time we had gotten into the car.
I took my eyes off the road for a second to study his soft curves and smooth skin. I watched as his blond locks shimmered with the illuminated presence of every headlight and streetlight that passed us. I could see the gentle rise and fall of his stomach as his breathing became just a little bit more labored than normal. He looked forward, and I was staring hard enough to see his long eyelashes individually. His face was so perfect, so delicate in its features, almost feminine in its presentation to the world. His motions were so soft, and unpracticed, and pure. For me to taint this boy's immaculate existence would be like smashing a butterfly in mid-flight. Or ruining an untouched sand dune with the invasion of my footprints. And yet, I couldn't stop looking. I couldn't stop wanting him. I couldn't stop wishing that he'd want me too. This was more than just some young teenage boy that I wanted to suck and lick and kiss all over. This wasn't some candle light masturbation fantasy that I could bring to mind when I needed the image, and then toss it away when I wanted to be 'normal' again. This was more potent. More concrete. This...this was an actual person. Someone I could see myself growing old with, laughing with, sharing good times with. Someone who makes me feel like no one else ever could. Someone who actually shares a piece of himself with me, and makes me want to do the same. Dustin...I....I LOVE you. I mean...actually LOVE you. And the strange thing is, I'd risk my job, my life, and the fire and brimstone of hell...just to be with you.
"Did you mean what you said, aout me calling you sometime? Because you don't have to say yes just because I asked."
"Ok...what's going on here? Of course you can call me."
"Because I don't HAVE to call, if you just...you know...wanna see me at work or something." He had this amazingly sweet little whine in his voice when he said it, and it was both adorable and heartbreaking at the same time.
"Dustin...I WANT you to call me! Ok? Please do. Anytime." I assured him. But despite his relieved smile, he still seemed to be struggling with something.
"Eric? Can I ask you something?" He said, even more timid than before. "Say...that you liked somebody...and you kinda wanted them to like you back...but things were....'not right'. Would you tell them? Even if it turned out...like....bad?"
I think the very air in my lungs began to freeze and turn into cubes of ice, weighing my chest down considerably as I fought to breathe. My hands began to tremble on the steering wheel, and I forced my gaze straight forward, terrified to look him in the eye. It was wishful thinking, that's all. A misunderstanding. Or maybe he meant someone else entirely. That's it, he meant someone else. "If you mean the girls from the store today, I don't think you have anything to worry about." I flashed a nervous smile, but he kept squirming in his seat. Kept struggling. Kept talking.
"No...I don't mean them. I mean...." He paused, and then said, "...What if you were really into somebody, and they thought you were just....annoying or something...do you think that telling them would, like, maybe make a difference?" I froze up in my seat, now more uncomfortable than I had ever been in my life. "Do you think...maybe...this other person might...'consider' it?"
I'm surprised I was able to speak at all in response. "Well...ahem...I guess it depends on....how this person felt about you." I was trembling when I said it, and I could hear it in my own voice. Concentrating on the road was difficult enough without the sound of my heart beating trying to deafen me.
"That's just it, Eric. I can't really tell. I mean...sometimes...this person is, like, all close and cool and stuff. And sometimes...not. So, it could just be a friendship thing, you know?"
"Like you and me?" I asked, and his eyes turned away from me.
"Forget it." He pouted.
"No, no, wait. Keep going. I wanna know?"
Either teenage boys are very unskilled in the act of subtlety, or my love for him is causing my mind to make up this whole thing in my head as we go along. I must be so far gone at this point. "That's my house over there." He said, and started grabbing his stuff out of the back seat so he could go. But before saying goodnight, he tried again. "Eric...what do you think of me? Really."
"Dustin, if you're worried whether or not I see you as a little boy...I don't. Ok? Honest to God."
"That's not what I mean."
"Well....what do you mean, then?" I asked, scared of what the answer might be.
"I mean....ugh...this is weird." He said, frustrated and closing his soft blue eyes for a moment while he tried to think. "I wanna tell you something, but I'm scared you're gonna get mad at me or something. And I don't want you to get mad, ok?"
My blood was rushing so fast it felt like I was going to pass out. An erection started sweeling uncontrollably in my pants, and tightened to the point where I was almost ready to unzip my pants just to give it enough room to grow.
"I'm...I'm not gonna get mad..."
"Just...look...if...if somebody like me...was like...totally into somebody...he should say something right? Instead of being all weird about it?"
It was my heart that betrayed me, and I took a chance that I shouldn't have taken. I KNEW better! But I couldn't help myself. I just couldn't. "Uhhh...y-y-yeah...I guess so." "So...like...even if it looked weird...and this other...um...person...might say 'no'...I should tell him, right?" Dustin was turning towards me in his seat, and had leaned towards me, ever so slightly, if only a few bashful inches closer than before.
I kept my eyes fixated on the hood of the car outside my windshield. That 'pull' that I was trying to ignore and avoid so much earlier, was now so strong that it felt as if it could rip the soul from my body with it's magnetic attraction. I tried to forget that he was the most beautiful boy that I had ever laid eyes on. I tried to forget that he and I had more in common than I do with my best friends, or even my PARENTS for that matter, and that being with him was a billion laughs every minute of the day. I tried to ignore my fantasies, ignore this conversation, even ignore the fact that this 'person' he spoke of was suddenly turning into a 'him' instead of a her. Weren't we outside his house? I felt bad. What if his parents look out of the window or something. Watching a grown man sitting in a car with their teenage son, having an extended conversation about....about THIS! It hurt. It really did. To want him so bad, and want to be away from him at the same time. If I gave into this feeling, and dragged him down with me...what would I be doing to my life? What would I be doing to HIS life? Yeah...it hurt. It hurt a lot. But the only thing more painful than wrestling with the immense feeling of pressure in my chest...was watching him squirm and wiggle as he apparently was experiencing the same pain.
"Eric?" He whispered.
"Yeah?" I whispered back.
"If I told you that I loved you...what you say?"
And that was it, the dice were on the table. They were bouncing along, and every spectator was waiting for me to call the number. "Um....Dustin...?"
"Don't answer so fast. Just...think. K?"
I did, and I told him, "I don't know what I'd say."
"Eric....I love you." He whispered, leaning even closer. I didn't turn to face him, but I could feel him getting closer. That need to cry enveloped me all over again, and it brned inside me as I fought back the tears with everything I had. "I know I'm only 14, Eric, but I like you a lot. I always liked you. I mean, I thought you were cute and all, but you're, like...everything to me. I just...I wanted to tell you that. So...." He trailed off, and then paused as he waited for some kind of negative reaction. Maybe if I had given him one, this could have come to an end and I wouldn't have to hurt this much over him anymore. But I didn't. I didn't say anything in response. I didn't know how to respond. "Don't be mad, ok?" He said.
"I'm not mad." I said.and then felt the pressure begin to release....as I added...."I love you too." It was only said in a whisper. But to me it sounded like a thunder clap. I had officially taken advantage of this boy's heart. His feelings, his cheerfulness, his inexperience. I had used him. Tricked him. Abused him emotionally by feeling what I felt for him. A victim to his beauty, a serpent in his Eden. It was then that I felt the first tears fall.
The heat from him got closer, and I didn't dare look at him. I could only hear the motions of his lightweight body turning on the seat to get closer to me. And, with the touch of an angel's grace, Dustin landed a sweet butterfly's kiss on my cheek. A long one, that lingered with a sensual quality that nearly caused me to explode. "Don't cry. Don't cry." He whispered, as he kissed me again and again. His lips inched ever so slowly towards my mouth, and when he was only a few pecks away, I turned my head.
"I'm sorry, Dustin. I'm so sorry." I cried, realizing what I was doing to him. Realizing that this disease had gotten the better of me, and now I had resorted to hurting a child. God help me...I never wanted to hurt Dustin. Never. I gave in to my passions. JUST for a moment. Just to know how it felt. Just to taste his kiss. Just.....just to know what it was like to share an embrace with someone that I loved more than life itself. Just once. The whole fucking world could punish me later, but for right now, I wanted this more than anything in the world. And I was taking a leap of faith that was sure to send me crashing down to the rocky ground below.
Our lips met, and it was more incredible than any fantasy that I had ever had about him. His lips were soooo soft....so fragile. His kiss felt unnatural for a moment, but it melted into mine pretty quickly. The long side of his hair brushed against my cheek, and I felt the tender wetness of his tongue press so shyly against my lips. When I didn't meet his tongue with my own right away, he backed off, but the truth is...I wanted to. So young. So very very young. I should have stopped. I shouldn't let this go on. As the adult, I'm supposed to put a stop to this, and tell him no, and send him inside. Even if it meant jacking off in bed alone tonight. Even if it meant never seeing the boy of my dreams ever again. Even if it meant breaking his fucking heart into a million pieces right outside the safety of this car. I should tell him NO!
So why can't I stop?
My lips began to thirst for his kiss, and the more I tried to pull away, the more my lips wanted him. We were kissing! Dustin and I were making out in front of his house, and that was just downright dangerous. While my own willpower wasn't enough to keep me from destroying whatever interaction Dustin and I had together...my fears took control, and I was able to push him away. "Wait. Wait...this isn't right." I said, trying to catch my breath.
"What? What do you mean? Did I...did I screw up or something?"
"NO! No, you didn't...I mean...I'm not supposed to be..." No words were enough. I made the mistake of looking at the dreamy haze in his eyes, and nearly fell forward trying to kiss him again. Our lips met hungrily, and this time, my tongue reached out for his first. I heard a soft whimper escape him, and he took my head in his hands, holding me to his lips as though he could drink from them the last drops of water available on the planet. My will was crumbling before my very eyes, and I was lost in fantasy. Lost in a wet dream that I couldn't wake up from. But...I had to stop again. I had to. "Um...Dustin...you...you should go. Ok? Really. We shouldn't do this."
"Why?" He sounded almost hurt.
"I love you..."
"I know." I interrupted.
"Well, what's the matter then?" He didn't understand. There were no big consequences for him. There was no risk involved loving me. But to love him back? The people around here would tear us apart without mercy and spit on us in disgust for good measure. I'd be made out to be a liar and a pervert and a predator. I'd be shamed and humiliated everywhere that I went. And they'd make it so I could never see Dustin's pretty blue eyes or sparkling smile ever again. I can't risk that. I just....can't.
"Your mom is gonna worry about you if you don't get home. Go. I'll see you at work soon. K?"
He thought for a second. "She's not looking, you know? She's probably asleep. Nobody's watching us."
"We can drive around back to the alley if you want. Ok? Just...take a right at the stop sign." I began to protest again, but he stopped me. "Please? Just....like...for five minutes. Ok? We can talk." We weren't going to talk, I knew that. I wasn't going to be able to talk to him. Not like this. Not seeing the tent in his jeans, not feeling the heat of his body or hearing the gentle whine in his voice. Not staring into those eyes, pleading for me to love him. If I drove around that corner...I was going to fall into a trap that was too deep for me to ever escape from. I knew that. So.....why did I put the car in drive...and allow us to move forward.
We drove around the block, and into the alley. I turned off the headlights and parked in front of his parent's garage. What am I DOING?!?!? What the fuck am I DOING?!?!? He's fucking FOURTEEN!!! Am I insane??? But it was that mental sickness that took over once I turned off the car. Because Dustin turned to me right away, and began to kiss me again. Roughly, breathlessly, and I leaned back as I heard his foot come up to rest against the small partition between both front seats. He was actually trying to climb over to my side, and it was too awkward for him to manage while still kissing. I could taste his sweet breath in my mouth as he let his arms rest on my shoulders. His tongue intertwined with my own, and we mated, mouth to mouth. His tongue seemed half the size of mine, and decorated with the most beautifully wet texture of taste buds. I was struggling inside, wishing I could pull away, but my heart wouldn't let me. I fought it with every bit of common decency that I had...but I continued making out with that boy for at least the next five minutes straight without coming up for air. You've really done it now, Eric. You're actually breaking the LAW here! Do you know what they do to child molesters in prison? Provided that they even SURVIVE prison?
"I love you..." Dustin said, panting hard between kisses. And he tried again to climb into my seat, as though this simple form of contact wasn't enough to satisfy his urges to be with me. This time, his foot landed on my thigh, and he attempted to roll over on top of me. I pulled him over, and his pert young ass hit the horn. OH JESUS!!! A car horn never sounded so damn loud as it did that night! I was shaken up, and was nearly ready to drive off before somebody saw us. But Dustin only looked down at me and giggled sweetly. "Hehehe, it's ok. Don't be scared."
"Dustin, I have to go."
"Mmm-hmm..." He nodded, and leaned down to kiss me again. His hand was searching for the latch to let the seat back, and...even though I shouldn't have...I helped him. We both kinda fell backwards as my driver's seat fell to the back.
"Omigod, are you ok?" He smiled.
"Yeah..." And I reached up to pull his sweet young face down to mash up against mine again. This was worse though, because I could feel him...hard...and strong...and almost desperate in his thrusts. He was humping me slowly, but passionately. His kisses went to my neck, and all I could do was hold the small of his back while he had his way with me. The guilt began to fade, the terror began to melt, the 'rules' no longer applied...and I began to wonder if any of my so-called judges would have a greater sense of restraint...if they were in my position now.
Dustin's grinding got more frantic, and his whimpers were beginning to lose control. He was close. Hell...I was close. And this had to stop before we had a mess on our hands. "Dustin....Dustin? Dude..slow down, k?" I whispered.
"Uhhhh..." I looked down at how hard I was, and so did he. I think he got the message.
"Hehehe, yeah. Me too." He gave me another quick kiss, then another, and a third...until we almost got into it again. But I was able to hold him off this time. "Ok, ok. I know. I'm sorry."
He laid down on top of me for a few seconds, motionless with the exception of a few soft humps from the both of us. His weight felt so light and tender on my stomach. His breathing so comfortable. I could have laid there with him like that forever.
Then, finally, he tried to find a way to roll back to his side of the car. Hehehe, it was a comical feat, believe me. And his foot hit the horn yet again as he was climbing over! The whole neighborhood is going to be throwing bottles at my car by the time the night is over at this rate. I looked at Dustin, smiling, breathing hard, his clothes and hair slightly disheveled in the cutest way. And just from looking at him, I could tell he wanted more. I wonder if he can see that same look in me. "You really should go."
"You sure?" He asked. And I nodded. I smiled at him, unable to contain it any longer, and it caused him to giggle outloud. "Oh man, this is so cool. I really thought you were gonna hate me."
"I do! But...just a little bit." I winked at him, and he gave me another kiss on the lips. It was like he couldn't get enough.
The bulge in his pants was trying to break free. He gave me a wicked grin. "You wanna see it?" He started to unbutton his jeans and reached for the zipper, but I put my hand over his and shook my head.
"We're in enough trouble as it is. Save that for later." I said, feeling stupid for having missed the opportunity.
"Awww...I don't wanna go."
"March into that house soldier. I'll see you later."
"Will you come see me at work tomorrow?"
"No." I joked, but he gave me his silly little pout face again, and I couldn't resist.
"It's my day OFF, Dustin."
"So? C'mon...just for a little bit?" He begged. "I wanna see you."
"Sighhh...alright. But you owe me one."
"I'll give it to you whenever you want it." He smirked, and stole another quick kiss from my lips before opening the car door. "I'll see you later, ok? I love you."
"I love you too..." Saying the words has always been a superb feeling for me. Saying them to someone who said them back to me was even better. But to say them to Dustin...to actually utter those words in his direction, and watch him get wiggly in the knees just hearing it...that's the kind of lovely feeling that created mankind's concept of God. That's the kind of love songs are written about, and art contains in every stroke of the paintbrush. When Dustin backed away from my car, smiling and waving at me every step of the way towards his back door...I felt that sensuality run through me, and change me forever. This was another world for me. Another level. And I was going to pay for this eventually.
One way or the other. I was definitely going to pay.