Discoveries on My Journey of Life

    Tim had been true to his word in a sense, above and beyond anything I could have ever expected. The next day was Sunday, and being such, we all went to church together that day. Although I nor Cody never thought of ourselves as uber-religious, there is something about that day that makes it more sacred than others. Cody and I didn't follow that into every detail - we made exceptions, but they were the kind that journeyed more into discovery and cuddling than anything else. It ended up being the same way with Tim. By a kind of unspoken agreement, we didn't do anything really intimate together that day, nothing in a sensual way at least - but there was also another reason, too.

    As it turned out, I went home with him to his house after service, as he definitely had more things there for us to get into and play. While we played video games most of the afternoon, we even maintained a closeness between us. Still though, I noticed there was something about him that did not seem, well, right. As the afternoon trekked on, we talked about a few things here and there, but for most of the day he had been reserved and quiet. That started to bother me, and more than once I asked him if he was okay. Each time he would answer me, though, "Never better!", and I had to accept that.

    If it had not been for this closeness we still shared, even in its limited form over nothing else, I think I would have been in a panic. We had just the night before broken unspoken taboos of a sort, and if he had any second thoughts or doubts about them, I was going to be sick to my stomach for the rest of my life. Neither Tim's actions, nor his mood, matched his words, but I'll admit they at least encouraged me enough not to fear the worst. As time passed though, I was gradually getting more on edge about it.

    As the evening arrived and we had dinner, we returned to his room and started watching TV to pass the time. It would not be long before Dad would be back to pick me up, given Tim had school the next day, so we sort of minimized what we were getting into. His continuing silence unsettled me though, and I was unsure of what I could do - if anything - to draw him out. I finally decided I had to know though, one way or another, what he was feeling inside. It was not something I could leave undone, especially with his mood and quietness being so uncharacteristic.

    Just as I was about to say something, Tim jumped up and excused himself, disappearing down the hallway and into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. While I waited, I knew then I was going to have to decide how to approach this and be careful of what I said. Upon his return, he surprised me by closing his bedroom door. As he returned to stretch out beside me, I thought maybe he might be ready to at least tell me something, but when he settled, laying on his belly, he returned to his stubborn silence again.

    I finally rolled and faced him, taking a deep breath, trying to focus on this kid in front of me. He watched me from the corner of his eye, and after a few seconds turned his head and grinned at me. "What?" he said. I could tell then, despite his attempts to hide it, there was something different in his voice, something - not right.

    "You're scaring me, Tim," I whispered.

    He seemed surprised. "Huh? Why? How?"

    I tried to be careful with my words, not wanting to fumble them like I had done so many times in the past. "You, you've changed. You're not yourself today, bro, and after last night, I... I don't know. Honest, you're really scaring me." I searched his eyes closely. "What's wrong?" When he said nothing for a minute, I spoke again. "Please? Talk to me...?"

    Tim finally smiled at me before looking over at his bedroom door. Assuring was shut, he turned back and rose up on his knees before maneuvering right over next to me. Once there, he flipped over, laying on his back, and took my arm to pull it over his chest. He hugged it tightly, bringing us closer together, as the rest of his body snuggled up to me. "It's not you Sean, it's not us - it's not even about last night, I swear." His voice was thick, as if he was wrestling with something. Even with his re-assurance, I still questioned his answer, not knowing how truthful he was being with me right then.

    "Are you sure? Tim - I would never, EVER do anything to hurt you, or to hurt us. You know that, right? Tell me you know that!"

    He nodded. "I know, Sean, and neither would I. And yes, I'm sure. It has nothing to do about last night, I promise." For the next minute or so, he just let me hold him, and I did. All kinds of thoughts went through my head, the biggest being trying to decide if he was telling me the truth. I held my silence though, not really knowing what I could say.

    Eventually Tim let out a big sigh and finally sat up, turning and facing me. His eyes were moist as he stared at me, and I in turn followed to sit up in front of him. We both had our legs crossed underneath us, but when I did that, he immediately scooted in close and wrapped his leg around me. When I did the same, it brought us ever so much closer together, and we both smiled, liking the effect.

    He looked at me for a long time, before smiling. "You're something else, you know that?"

    I wasn't expecting that. Not that I really had any expectation at all of what he might say, but THAT was nowhere even close to left field. I mean, I don't put myself in front of anyone, and praise is something I just don't like - it makes me feel weird or embarrassed sometimes. That is one of the reasons why I always just like to say I'm only me, and nobody else. It's my way to try and break the hold those little words can bind you into sometimes, but it's also an honest reflection of what I thought about myself. I'm nobody special, you know? I'm just me, just Sean, a kid trying to find my way in the world, and not be so alone all the time. I'm just a mama's boy, I guess, a geek of sorts. I still believe that even to this day. So, when I heard it that night, I just shook my head. "I'm just me, Tim, nobody else. Nobody special - just your everyday runt." I giggled at the last part, and so did he, and I thought maybe that was an icebreaker for him - at least until he tackled me and pushed me down into the floor. Following me, he ended up sitting on my belly, effectively pinning me down. I know I could have fought him better and probably broken free, but for that little slice of time my cousin seemed to be his old self for a moment. I honestly didn't want that to stop.

    Gradually he pinned me down with his knees upon my shoulders, and then leaned forward , our faces only an inch apart as me as he steadied his balance. "Shut - the - fuck - up, Sean!" He's told me to shut up before, but always in a good-natured way. This time, however, he was dead serious, with a determined expression planted on his face that said he was ready to fight me, if he needed to.

    After what seemed an eternity, I relented. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry..." I whispered back to him. He didn't stop though, he didn't let go. Instead, he started speaking again, softly.

    "Sean, you're not a runt, and yes you are somebody special - to me!" He paused, and I understood what he was being so serious about then. He wasn't finished, though. "Last night was great for me, and if I had a choice of doing it over, I would still do it again and again! Heck, I would have done it a hundred times with you, I swear! So, quit worrying about it, bro - I swear to you, I'm fine with our playing and everything we did. If anything, you made me feel so great, by trusting me enough so I could trust you, too. You made me feel like - I don't know, something awesome on the inside, and I know you felt it too."

    I smiled, but was still puzzled. "Yeah, I felt it, too. But then - what's wrong, Tim? Talk to me?"

    I waited what seemed like another eternity before he finally answered. "Don't you understand? You're leaving me, and I don't want you to go. All day, I've been dreading when your Dad gets here tonight. You're going to leave me."

    At first, I didn't understand. Dad wasn't supposed to pick me up for another hour or so, and as I searched his eyes, I didn't gain any more insight right away. I think he knew it, too, because he added, "When you're gone Sean, I'll be alone again."

    The light bulb clicked on in my head and I finally got it. Here was this kid, 12-years old, letting his guard down for once, for me, to tell me how he felt about me. Not just for the moment, for the whole day. My heart probably skipped a few beats when I finally pulled him down and hugged him, rubbing his back and keeping us together. "I know how you feel, because I will be, too." I didn't know what else to say. For me, life just wasn't fair to kids sometimes when we are pulled apart like we were, living in different states. He raised his head once again, looking at me and smiling. His eyes were still watery, and he finally wiped at them with his hands. "Okay, I know... I'm just being a sissy. It's not like you'll be gone forever, right?"

    I shook my head. "Nope, no way." My voice was cracking, even though the mood was shifting to a lighter tone. "You know something?"

    "Hmm?"

    "You're a lot like I was when I was 12. I was just, I don't know, more sensitive I guess." That made him smile, so I added, "You kind of surprise me, though."

    "How so?"

    I thought about it for a second. "I don't know. I mean, I've always known you had a good heart bro. This weekend though, yesterday and last night and everything, I didn't realize you, like, really cared about me that much. From the moment I got off the plane and everything, and the way you've hugged and hung out with me, I mean, how could I not feel it? I know we talk a lot and chat a lot online, but somehow I've, like, just gotten to really know you now, you know?" I felt like I was stumbling again. "I mean, here I am, I'm 2-1/2 to 3 years older than you, I know, but we've been around at Christmas and other times before. You and me, we were always friendly and stuff, but not close, not like this, you know? And then since I got here, you've like, done this thing to me on the inside."

    Tim surprised me by giggling. "You mean, you didn't think I had a mushy, gooey side to me, is that it?"

    I giggled back before shrugging. "Like I said, I knew you had a good heart - I just never knew how good it really was. Especially for someone like me to be older and everything. Does that make any sense?"

    Tim looked at me and nodded, then got right in front of my face again. "Yeah, it does Sean, I know." He smiled and added " And what the heck, you're not that much older than I am, come on. So, what if you've got a bigger dick," he whispered. "I don't care, as long as you don't care about me being 12. Besides, I'll be 13 before you even get close to your next birthday, so there!" He smiled. "You've never held anything back from me, have you Sean? I know I haven't held anything back from you. That's what makes us close." He relaxed then. "You know I love you, right? Not just as my cousin, either."

    I couldn't say anything else. I tugged at his shirt, lifting it just enough so that I could get my hands and arms inside and around him, wanting to have physical contact and try to share something between us again. I had just gained something incredible from him again, and it made me hold him with as much love as I could muster. He returned my hug and promised me again that everything was cool. I believed him then.

    Eventually we heard my Dad drive up outside, so we parted. This time, however, his face was a lot brighter, and his mood was better. Before we headed out into the hallway, I leaned close to his ear and whispered "Thanks bro, for everything." He stopped before opening the door, and leaned back, putting his head against my chest and taking my hand. I circled my arms around him one more time and, for some reason, kissed the top of his head. Why I did it, I have no clue, but he then squeezed my hand for several seconds. I heard him whisper, "Love you, bro, so don't forget it!" We then parted and went to the living room.

    In the days that followed, I spent more time with my Dad doing a lot of various things. I got to go and sit in a couple of Dad's classes and observe him from the back of the classroom, watching him do his thing as he taught these much big kids. It was kind of interesting, really, because he was always telling everyone different things, and he had this way of zipping forward really quick, and then stopping to say something that was really funny. Having been through college now, I understand why people liked him so much. He knew how to make classes fun, and that in my opinion is what made learning a hobby, and not a chore.

    We also went bowling, watched a movie and spent time throughout the week. He took me to the mall, and we shopped for me a few new clothes, and we went to this big student center, as he called it, where we could play pool (billiards, for some of you), and other stuff. He even took me out into the country one day and started teaching me about driving, which I had a blast at that. He promised on his next visit, we would do a lot more of it because, whether he and Mom liked it or not, I was going to be 16 before we knew it, which meant it would be time to learn how to drivbe for real.

    Although he was back in school, Tim did join us most nights of that week, back to his usual self - feeling better, I know. One night, we had just come from Sears and buying me some new shirts, and we stopped at some burger place. While we were eating, Dad excused himself and went to the bathroom, so Tim leaned in close to me. "See bro? I told you I was never better!" I grinned and grabbed his knee under the table, squeezing it before he found my hand and threaded the fingers with his own. I knew what he'd meant, and I was so happy for it, too. Before Dad came back, he leaned up to my ear and whispered ever so softly, "Still love ya!"

    That wasn't to be his last surprise for me, though. When it came time for me to go back to the airport, he and his Dad joined us to see me off, and at the terminal he practically jumped me, much to my Dad's amusement, knocking me down with one final, extra big hug. That was when I felt him push something into my front pocket just then, out of sight from either of our Dad's, and he whispered in my ear right before we parted "I love you bro, and thanks - for everything." I was already choked up about having to leave, and those words almost put me over the edge. All I could do was smile and give him an extra squeeze, before letting him go and doing the same for my Dad. Try as I might, I couldn't look at them as I walked away, because I knew I really would start crying in front of them, my eyes already filled with tears.

    As I was flying home, I remembered his prodding in my pocket, so I reached into my pocket and found he had stuffed a folded up note inside. Opening it, I read it, smiling at nothing in particular. "Yeah, you dork, I'm gonna miss you, but don't think I'm not gonna come down there and whip your butt, and soon!! Seriously Sean, love you lots! I'll see you soon... okay?"

    When I got home that night, after spending some time with Mom initially, I took my bag up to my room and fired up messenger. Of course, I found him waiting for me online. "So, did you read it?" he blurted out.

    "Yep. So, you think you're big enough now to whip my ass?" I teased.

    "Ohhh yyeeeaahhhh..." He had turned his cam on and was sticking his tongue out at me then. "I did it already once, last Sunday. Remember?"

    "Yeah, I do." I paused, knowing he couldn't see me, even though I could see the brightness in his face yet still just then. "Tim?"

    "Yeah?"

    "I love you too, bro. So much, and no, I'm not afraid to say it. I mean, I'm sorry I couldn't say it this morning. It isn't that I didn't want to, I was just too choked up and stuff, you know? I didn't want you and our Dad's see me start bawling like a baby, and I was pretty close to it. But I do bro, I really do. I hope you know it. This week, you and me, I feel like it was the best week of my life. It was awesome."

    He grinned. "It was for me, too. And I know you were trying to keep from crying this morning and all, so it's cool. You know, we both do, because if we didn't, what happened last weekend would never have happened, right? You know, if we didn't love each already, neither of us would have been okay with what we did. You know that, right?"

    I smiled. "How did you get to be so damned smart?" I asked him, whispering, which made him grin and then wink at me. I raised my voice again to normal. "Yeah. One more time, though - you're okay, right?"

    He stuck his tongue out at me again, then leaned in close, his voice lowered almost to a whisper. "If you ask me that again, I swear I'm going to strip you naked the next time I see you, tie some weights to your balls, and then pour hot wax in your ass!" He was laughing at me, and I couldn't help but laugh back.

    "Ouch! Man, your sex education is getting awfully kinky with those friends of yours, I think!" I mused.

    I could see him sigh and blush. "Yeah, yeah, but trust me, they don't know half as much as they think they do. I know that now, thanks to you." He paused. "Sean? Please don't give me a guilt complex, okay? I'm honestly cool with it all, even more than cool. Stop worrying about it, or me, okay?"

    "Okay bro. I won't worry anymore, I promise. I guess the only thing that keeps coming back to me was how you were acting the next day, on Sunday. It really scared me for a while, you know?"

    He nodded. "Yeah, I know it did now, and I'm sorry. I was just being a stupid ass, that's all. I had a lot going on in my head, but it wasn't that stuff. Will you please try to believe me?"

    "I do now, bro. I do. And you weren't being an ass, okay?"

    He smiled. "Okay. Good, now don't forget it! The promise, I mean!"

    I laughed. " Okay, okay! Message received, loud and clear!"

    We signed off and I went back downstairs to spend some more time with Mom.

- + - + - + - + -

    Other than for the one incident, my life improved substantially, taking an uphill swing for me for the next several weeks. My moods were better, I began to generally laugh and smile more, and my grades even got better in school. For some reason, I just felt different, but overall it was good. It could be that a part of me was simply growing up, but I like to think it was because now I had another friend, someone whom deep down I knew I could trust. I kind of put a lot of faith in that moniker, because it became the only cornerstone that I could reason with, for how I felt, or for why I thought about things the way I did. Cody and I were still in touch somewhat, exchanging emails, talking and more, keeping things alive. Believe me, that was a very good thing because we were so much alike in age, and in the things we faced every day at school, church and more. With Tim though, we were talking almost every day, cutting up and horsing around to no end. We found online games we could play together, along with drawing boards and other activities, and as the months flew by, we established a rapport that was irreplaceable.

    When we talked, Tim was telling me everything going on in his life, too, with no holds barred. It's really kind of cool looking back and seeing everything again, through both of our eyes, because we talked about a lot of things, including the mushy stuff, as he liked to call it. He would get down sometimes, and just need an ear to listen to him, and at other times he was this super-hyper, bees-in-his-pants person that was so hilarious. like mine had been just a few short years earlier. We were online almost every night for months to come, sometimes for just a few minutes, to say "Hi" to each other and see if anything new was going down. Other times we might hook up for hours. There were gaps of course - especially if one of us was sick, or had company - or maybe we just were just not home or out and away. The point was that it didn't matter. We stayed in touch and remained really close, insofar as the internet goes.

    Another event made its way into my life around then, too, in autumn of that year. Right before school started, I was at church one Sunday when one of the deacons came up to me after service. He was an older man, probably in his 50's, and was one of those who was always great to be around. You know the kind. He seemed to always have a joke, or made it a point to say something positive to everyone he met, kids included. On that day though, he started chatting with my Mom, and before we got away, he stopped me and purposefully pulled me into the conversation. Initially, it was just pleasantries and all, which I thought was a little odd. Eventually, though, he turned and asked if I might be interested in working for him part-time, down at our local IGA grocery. Up until that point, I had never considered that I could even GET a job, because I was still 15, and then add to that the fact school was getting ready to start.

    Of course, I liked the idea - in more ways than one, but I had to look at Mom on this one. She smiled, once he explained that he could not work me more than (I think) 12-14 hours a week - at least not until I got older. Restrictions in the U.S. for minors working during school periods was pretty tight, though they lax the rules if you're out of class, or if school is not in session for a period. He went on to explain that he was used to hiring a couple of young guys on occasion, to be baggers up front, or to just give other people breaks when they needed off, or took vacations. Mom looked at me, actually asking for my opinion, which almost floored me. Our relationship had been getting a lot better lately, so I said sure, I would be glad to help. Mom nodded her approval, and then that was that. I had to wait a couple of weeks, I think, because I needed a new social security card replaced (my original, obtained only a few months after I was born, had been long lost by then for some reason), but then I had my first, real job. I did everything from helping to unload delivery trucks, to bagging groceries up front or mopping floors. I was the youngest of several high school kids already there from my school, mostly 11th and 12th graders. Most accepted me just fine, but there were a few that just shook their heads and gave me the silent treatment. That puzzled me to no end initially, but I finally just ignored them. Perhaps they just knew me, or knew my past, or thought of me as the geek, I guess.

    The reason I bring this out though, is only because it kind of set the picture for my next 3 years or more, before I graduated high school and headed to college. Because of that job, I couldn't travel to Wisconsin as much as I used to anymore, and that meant I couldn't physically visit and see Tim anymore like I once had. The money I made - although nothing at all big (even when paid bi-weekly) - helped a lot at home. I didn't give up everything I made, meaning I kept some of it, but there were a few weeks when we needed groceries or something here and there. The store's owner - our friend from church - even allowed me to purchase a few things out of the deli or other departments, things that would have probably spoiled or expired if not taken care of soon, and usually at a pretty big discount. That helped the both of us a lot, too, although Mom always tried to minimalize it. I didn't care though, I was making a little money, and I was helping us live a little better, I guess.

    I finally figured out what the other guys resented so much, too. Because of the things our friend would do like that, the other guys thought I was getting special treatment above and beyond what they received. It was either that, or they just looked down on me or us (meaning both me and my Mom), because I think, in some way, we represented the poorer side of life. They never said anything directly, but you could pick up little hints in their conversations here and there. It was kind of hard to believe sometimes, too. As I look back, I shake my head at how presumptuous and bigoted they really were. They all came from mostly middle-class families, environments where almost anything they wanted or needed was handed to them on a silver platter. Mom and I only had what we could work for, and heck yeah - I took advantage of anything that helped us out without any shame or fear. Don't get me wrong - their attitudes were never outright mean or condescending, and some were friendly with me even, which was a relief compared to the others. The ones who ignored me, or suddenly clamed up when I was around, I always felt they thought they were better than everyone else.

    Funny though, because I remember girls at the pool being the exact same way.

    The thing is, their attitude, along with starting a new year of classes in 10th grade, and the inevitable fact that I was still the loner more or less, eventually dragged me down again. Not so much as I was before, but it did affect this geek who was struggling to make his way in the world still. I became that inwardly drawn, quiet kid again, one who did little more than just go to school, go to work a few hours a week and then just stayed home. I only went out with Mom rarely, to do only the basic of things that needed to be done. Working at the store was depressing, because as far as I knew, I hadn't really done anything to deserve being treated like I was.

    To be fair to the guys though, I also hadn't really done anything to make it any better, either.

    Sometime around October of that year, I started getting back into chat rooms on the internet. This time though, I was going to both the regular teen chat rooms and a special one on MSN that was ran by BamaChris17. I started chatting with several people there, most of whom - if you didn't know the name of the room was about gay teens - never really let on about the fact they were gay. In all appearances, they WERE normal teens - for the most part. That was what drew me in, I think, and piqued my interest. Oh sure, there were a few exceptions, and everyone knew how to have a good laugh. Most of the teens though, I discovered were pretty cool, and because of that I made some new friends - even an online boyfriend once, of all things - in the months that followed. Of course, the online world was different from reality, and I both knew and understood that distinction. Somehow, just having people to talk to, and not be afraid of being myself, helped me again to start rebuilding my self-confidence, and thus bettering my outlook on life.

    The best thing that happened that time of year though, was that even though I couldn't go back to Wisconsin, it didn't keep Dad from coming to see me. As Christmas arrived, he did just that! Of all the people who could have come and made me feel better, plus with just the Christmas holidays a few days away, it was awesome. I was in higher spirits than I had been in months, and it showed.

    As I was preparing to leave work one night, a few days before Christmas Eve, I happened to catch a ride home with my older, so-called computer-expert cousin. I should probably give him better credit than I do, because of all things considering, he was very sharp when it came to computers and programming applications and the like. The point is, however, as we pulled into my driveway, there was a strange vehicle parked behind Mom's that I had never seen before. I didn't suspect anything, as I bid my thanks to him and he drove away. As I entered through the back door, I saw someone sitting at the table and having coffee with Mom. He was wearing a jacket with the collar turned up, so I still didn't get any idea on who it was, as they were conversing in low tones.

    That changed, however, when he turned to greet me, causing me to stop in utter shock when I realized it was my Dad. My step quickened, with an intent to rush and give him a hug, but I hadn't made it more than a few feet before I heard this huge Indian war cry behind me. It was so sudden, and in the height of that moment, I almost wet my pants - especially when I turned and saw Tim ready to pounce on me! In all the instant messaging, all the emails, even when I had talked with my Dad on the phone just two nights prior - neither had let on they were coming down at all.

    "Surprised?" Tim gushed as I gave him the biggest hug I could muster up. All I did was nod my head at Dad and grinned as he got up and walked over to take his turn. The guys at work had been especially prickly that evening, and my mood had not been in the best of shape when I my shift ended. Seeing those two, however, changed all of that. The smile plastered on my face at that moment, could not have been removed no matter what anyone did.

    "When did you guys get in?" I finally asked Dad as we all sat down at the table. Mom had risen and was pulling a plate out of the microwave, before walking back and placing it in front of me with a soda.

    "Oh, what would you say Tim, about an hour ago?" Dad responded. Tim nodded in agreement, and although food was the farthest thing from my mind at that moment, I did start to eat while they filled me in. They had both conspired to surprise me as best they could. Not only were they down though, as I found out Tim's parents also had arrived for the Christmas week.

    Tim, not to miss the sanction of throwing more surprises at me, interrupted and asked, "Uh, how would you feel if I, like, stay with you some of the time?"

    I was almost speechless, but nodded enthusiastically. "That would be great!" I pronounced, glancing at Mom and finding her approval. I then listened to their banter while I continued to finish my supper, but also took stock of my cousin again. Although I had seen him plenty of times on his cam, being there then gave me notice to how much he was changing. Tim had grown somewhat just in the 8 months or so since I last saw him. He was taller, possibly even reaching my own height by then. Although he looked slender than he was before, I noticed he was beginning to fill out in his chest, too. His overall build had changed, evolving gradually from that kid-sized frame he had to a more streamlined figure. His voice had changed somewhat as well, still being him but now sounding a little deeper. There was more about his personality, too - which was something I also had noticed over our chat sessions. He was different, more mature I think. As I looked at him now though, he was still Timmy, still my cousin, and still a very close friend - all proven by the hug we exchanged just moments before, and by the enthusiasm that filled his face and eyes.

    Before long, Dad rose from the table and said he had to get going. It was already after 9:30 that night, and as Tim didn't get up to leave with him, I realized he intended to start his stay right then and there. That brought me out of my reverie, and I quickly finished my plate before rising and placing it into the kitchen sink. I gave Dad one more hug and then we both agreed we would do something together the next morning for breakfast. He left, and after exchanging a few pleasantries with Mom, Tim retrieve his bag and we both headed upstairs.

    When we got to my room, Tim stopped and looked around, before letting out a long whistle. Before that night, it dawned on me that he may have never been in my room before. Sure, he had come to Kentucky before on visits with his parents, but most of the time his Mom was kind of protective about letting him get out and away from them. So, I would see him at my Grams house, or at his grandparents, or other similar venues. From our Kentucky side, that would only happen once, maybe twice a year. On the other hand, each time I went to Wisconsin, it was totally different. Still young, he could at least go eat with me and Dad, or come over to Dad's place for a while. Until my last visit though, his Mom still didn't like him spending the night, so we were still restricted, I guess.

      Now, everything was coming full circle, and Tim was being allowed to see my home and my room, perhaps for the first time. He nodded appreciatively, noting the poster of my favorite NFL team, the waterbed, bean bags and more.

    "This is really cool!" he exclaimed at last, which made me feel even happier that he was there.

    I think I laughed before walking over to the window, raising it only slightly to allow some fresh air inside. My room didn't stink, and I make a point here to allay any suspicion. I've been in some rooms that definitely "smelled like boys", as some would call it. Everything from stinky socks and sneakers to jock-straps, I think. I kept my clothes up and in the hamper at the end of the hall though, so that wasn't the issue. Instead, the issue was that at the end of a long day of warming from the floor below, my room would get stuffy. That night was one of those where it was warmer than most, and I figured it was because Mom's fire downstairs, in the stove, must have been doing overtime. So, by opening the window, I knew within a short while the exchange would be evened out, and be a lot more comfortable.

    When I turned back around, he was standing at the foot of my bed and looking down on the mattress. It so happened I also had a brood of stuffed animals arranged on one side, which I think he found amusing. I didn't care though, because they were nothing really special - just some I had collected over my lifetime. I had a tendency to take care of them better than most, I guess because I drew some level of comfort from them in times when I was feeling so alone.

    I walked back over to him and thought for about something for few seconds. "Um, where do you want to sleep while you're here?"

    "Huh?" he replied, confused.

    "Well, there is a guest room across the hall where you can sleep if you want, or you can sleep in here-" I hesitated as I sat down on the bedrail and faced him. "-with me." I was smiling as I said it, already kicking off my shoes as I watched for his reaction. I was pretty sure he would stay with me, but as I stated - he had matured somewhat, and definitely grown a little. I could not make that assumption outright, and even though I knew where I wanted to him to be, I had to give him that choice.

    Tim, on the other hand, started to look annoyed. "You're kidding me, right?" His usual happy smile was gone, replaced by one of confusion. He walked over and stood beside me, close. "Let me ask you, where do YOU want me to stay?"

    I smiled up at him sheepishly, before I whispered. "I want you to stay with me!"

    He too smiled and looked relieved. Kicking off his shoes, he remarked. "You better! I don't understand though, why did you ask me-"

    "Because I didn't know, Tim" I interrupted. "I just, the last time and stuff, and now you're older, and, I mean..." I couldn't finish, the words just were not there.

    Before I could think about it any longer, I suddenly felt myself tackled harshly back into my bed. Tim followed and straddled me, pinning me down underneath, although having to adjust to the continuous waves around him just then. Once he settled though, the most ferocious attack of tickling me ensued, and because of the surprise in the moment, I was helpless as his fingers started digging under my armpits and into my ribs. I remember trying to fight back, but he had masterfully maneuvered the attack so well, I as half caught up against the bedrail, and sunk deep on the side to the underlying support boards. As the water displaced and shifted around me, it made mounting any kind of a defense almost impossible.

    Additionally, I was pinned between Tim's legs and the weight of his upper body, in such a way I couldn't even get my arms free beyond the few inches that I needed to resist. He realized it too, and he took full advantage of making me squirm, yell, and laugh. Mom, having come upstairs I think to bring some fresh laundered towels and things, stopped at my doorway upon hearing the commotion. I caught a glance of her looking in at us both amused, before she headed on toward the bathroom.

    I have to give Timmy credit for one thing - he was not merciless. He let me catch my breath for a few precious seconds at times, but just as I would think we were finally stopping, he started right back and attacked me some more, continuing until I was practically crying, with tears streaming from my eyes as I lay at his mercy.

    He finally stopped though, and leaned down to whisper to me, but not without watching closely. "Now do you believe me?"

    As I caught my breath, I just stared back into his eyes, and I saw something in them that made my heart melt. I slowly got my arms free and pulled him into me, hugging him close ever so close, this time with an intimate overture that was as personal as I could make it. "Thank you," I whispered back. I don't think he was expecting that, and to be truthful, I don't think I was either. By the end there though, I was getting really tired, so I just let him fall into me, sharing his warmth.

    "Good, don't let me have to kick your ass again," he whispered back at me.

    I giggled when he said that, and he raised up enough to smile at me, breaking our moment. I searched his eyes and found that same acceptance we had often shared before. "I'm so glad you're here bro," was all I could say.

    Tim grinned. "You better be. It was everything your Dad and I could do to keep it from you! I wanted it to be a surprise!"

    I laughed. "You did good. I didn't even come close to suspecting it."

    "Good!" He finally rolled off and away from me then. "So, this is the big waterbed you always talk about, huh?"

    "Yep." I followed and rolled onto my side, watching as he stretched out in spread-eagle fashion on his back. He purposefully bounced and rolled the water underneath us, testing it and getting use to the motion, I think.

    "Are you like, really tired? I mean, do you want to go to bed now, or..."

    I shrugged. "Not too bad. I mean, I'm out of school, and right now, this is your night. We can do whatever you want."

    Tim looked at me hesitantly. "You sure you're not too tired?"

    "Some, but not much. Like I said, I'm just glad you're here is all," I replied.

    He smiled. "Cool! Then what say we play some Nintendo for a while?"

    "Sure!" I responded, smiling back. "Umm, let me go to the bathroom first, ok? I need to wiz." He nodded, understanding, so I got up and left out the door as he started rolling off to the other side of the bed. I took care of my bladder, and then started back to the bedroom, but not before stopping first and dumping both my work shirt and t-shirt into the hamper. When I got back to the room, he was already sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed and waiting for me. Of to the side and next to the wall, I could see his shoes, socks and belt already lying on the floor. As I reached the other side of the bed, I reached down and tossed him one of my bean bags before withdrawing a fresh t-shirt nearby and donning it.

    As I turned around to face him, I noticed he had something in his lap."What's that?"

    Tim grinned. "It's your Christmas present!" He laughed at my surprised expression. "Come on, open it."

    "Now?"

    "Yeah, now, dork!" He motioned for me to pull up and sit down close beside him. I obeyed and took it from him, searching his eyes and hesitating only for a moment. "Go on, Sean, open it," he told me, softly, so then I looked down and began to unwrap it.

    "Awwww, mmmaaannnn...." I exclaimed, pulling one of those NHL hockey games from inside the paper. It was brand new, and it matched my Nintendo's format. Glancing up at him, I was he was just as excited watching me open it as I was. "Thanks bro!"

    He whispered, "You're welcome, bro."

    I looked at him, then blushed as I sheepishly confessed, "I uh, I didn't think I was going to see you for a while, Tim. So, I ummm... I didn't, I mean..." I had not bought any Christmas gifts yet, period, not even one for my Mom. I had been waiting, preferring to do my shopping that weekend for both my parents, really. Whether or not I would have bought something for anyone else, I don't really remember. I mean, I knew I had finally saved a little money, but to know how much or what I would have done could be anybody's guess. Yes, Tim would have been included, but I might have waited until I was able to go north again to Wisconsin before I would have bought it. It was just, at that moment, I was empty handed.

    It wasn't that me and my Mom made gifts a big thing at Christmas time. We believed in showing someone we thought of them enough, and appreciated them enough to be in our lives. That was how we approached Christmas between ourselves. Dad was almost on the same playing field, but I think he went a little extra step when it came to me, just so I could have a few things I might not normally get to have. Like my bean bags. Not only had he gotten me one, but two of them one Christmas, telling me one was never enough when I had friends around. Until they showed up, I never even knew they existed, I think. Once I had them though, it was like cripes, how could I have ever done without them. Time and again, I would thank him for it, too. He finally admitted to me he had one while growing up, and he understood. That was just his way, I think, another part of him that helped look out for me.

    Tim punched me. "Sean, it's okay. I don't want you to get me anything back, honest. I wanted this to be for you, okay?" After a moment, he grunted and then he blurted out, "Well, are you just gonna stare at it? Or are you going to open it so we can play?"

    I laughed finally, pulling the shrink-wrap off and getting up. I setup the game on the TV, and started to climb back into the bed as the opening screens and music began to play. We heard a knock at the door though, which I had pushed up while coming back into the room. It was Mom calling from the hallway. "Are you two decent in there?" I turned and grinned at Tim, not even thinking so much about what that could have implied before that moment. As I've stated before, unless she's bringing something upstairs, Mom rarely came up anymore.

    "Sure, Mom", I called out, and then watched her open the door and bring us each a paper plate of homemade cookies, along with some glasses of milk. She was like that sometimes, thinking ahead about things that would have never crossed my mind. I remember it hit me then, too, that she knew he was probably going to sleep with me. That should not have been a surprise, I guess, since Cody had spent a lot of nights with me in my bed. Guys do that all the time, right? I wonder if that's why mothers are so protective sometimes of younger kids, afraid they were going to get perved or something by their friends. I don't know, but what I do know is that night, well, Tim was family, right?

    My Mom had never worried about Cody. When he had stayed, it had not been a question of where he would sleep. My bed was plenty big enough for both of us to stretch out and have all kinds of room. There was one night she came home and found him on one side while she checked on me. In all the times sense then, she never once questioned or queried me or anything. He always slept in my waterbed with me, just as Tim was going to do now. I don't know what age kids would need to be before some parents raised the issue that their friends should sleep in their own bed, but all in all, my Mom never raised it with me. It dawned on me later that maybe, ever so slightly, it was the one thing she trusted me with again, implicitly.

    Her only words to us that night were to not stay up too late, and then she was gone, closing the door behind her before she receded back downstairs. I was happy at that moment, and I guess it showed because time nudged my shoulder with his own. Could he know what was going through my head at that moment? I don't know, but then again, I really didn't care.

    After she disappeared, I glanced at Tim and grinned, before pulling the second bean bag up from the floor and positioning it next to him. He watched me scoot closer, then mimicked me before we starting playing the game. It was obvious from the onset who was the master and who was the beginner. He handled the game like a pro, easily taking the hockey puck from me and scoring around my little-to-nothing defenses, all the while I tried to learn the controls. Offense wasn't better, but the game was cool though. We played for hours, and as I got more accustomed to the game, I began to give him better challenges. Before we knew it, I looked over at the clock and saw that it was already 1:30AM. I was startled at first, but then began laughing as I set the controller down. "Okay bro, this is one you win..." I muttered, as I yawned for the up-tenth time.

    "Yeah, I know, I'm getting tired, too. Still, not bad for a game though, is it?" he asked.

    I shook my head, agreeing with him as I slowly crawled out of the bed. Being already in my t-shirt for the night, I started to remove my belt as he crawled out and put our controllers back on the console. I assumed - with Tim's stuff already on the far side of the bed - that he would probably take that side. Instead of climbing out over there though, he came up to me just as I was about to unbutton my jeans. He said nothing, just taking my hands and dropping them to my side. He grabbed his shirt and peeled it off over his head in front of me, followed by his t-shirt. I started to say something as he dropped them to the floor, but he quickly put a finger over my lips, and instead whispered. "Are we safe up here? You know, your Mom?"

    I looked at him, searching his eyes, before nodding. "Especially this late," I whispered. He then grinned and unsnapped his jeans, pushing them to the floor before kicking them off and adding them to his pile of clothes. I couldn't help but notice he was in boxers, something still kind of new to me right then, but being up close, I did take a couple of seconds to glance down at him. He had really filled out in the eight months since I saw him last, losing much of the little sections of baby fat, I think, and in its place leaving a very refined body. His boxers were loose, and he had no erection - at least none that I could tell. Just a smooth white belly, that fell below his navel to the waistband that already sagged somewhat, covering up his groin inside. Underneath and beyond, his legs were more mature and muscular, and I detected hairs that were growing visibly below his knees. Not a lot mind you, he certainly wasn't one of these hairy types of kids as some develop to be - at least not yet - but all of these signs were that of a maturing body that was transitioning into his teenage years. I noted that though it wasn't a lot, it did look like maybe he had more, or at least he his hairs were thicker than the peach fuzz you could still find on my arms or lower legs. "I think I'm jealous," I mused between us, reaching out and softly stroking his arm, showing him the difference in our growths there. He smiled, but then shrugged, oblivious to me for the moment, I think.

    I had started then to push my jeans down again, but he reached our and smartly smacked my hands away. Before I could react, then he hooked his fingers around the band of them and did it for me. As usual, I was in my briefs, and I was already so tired, but absorbing the moment, that I too had not sprung any kind of an erection. I realized quickly, as I kicked them off my feet and away, I was wearing an old pair of underwear, where the material was so thin that they were practically see-though. I'm sure he could see all the basics of me through them, if he wanted. I didn't care, Even though it had been months, we had already been through this once, and I absolutely had no change in my feelings of how much I trusted him.

    Tim then reached for my t-shirt, and I let him peel it up over my head. I was now standing before him, just as he was to me. He smiled at me, and then took hold of my hand and, for the second time in our lives, pulled me into the bed with him. It was awkward for him at first, still not being used to the way a waterbed worked, and I had to help him work his way over in the silence. Pulling the covers up over us though, he finally lay back and pulled me into him. He had not said anything for the last few minutes, but in the silence he caressed my back as we hugged again. I didn't hold back, as I held him tenderly, absorbing his warmth and feeling his presence. He returned it to me, too, and then eventually whispered between us. "I've been waiting a long time Sean, just for us to do this again."

    In the few short hours that night, since they had arrived and I had gotten home from work, all my worries and disappointments from the day, and even the week, just melted and disappeared. I withdrew my arm from him, much to his objection as he tried to hold on, but I shook my head and managed to grab my glasses. He understood then and let me go. After putting them into the headboard, I turned out the lights and plunged the room into darkness. I put my arm back around him, hugging him as before. "Tim?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Thank you, bro - for everything. For the hugs, stripping with me and letting me hold you again - everything, bro."

    In the darkness I saw him smile. "Yeah, I know, I still love you too." Those were not quite the words I was expecting, but given our last few times together, I knew they were the truth, from his heart. I held him close, then eventually suggested he roll over, to which afterwards I pulled him back into me, spooning him close. I caressed his chest a for little while, along with his belly and side, and he never objected, never resisted or pulled away. Before long I heard a slower, deeper breathing envelop him, and I knew he had fallen asleep. When I heard and realized that, then so did I.

    The next morning when I awoke, he was facing me again, not exactly holding me but he did have an arm draped across my chest. His eyes were closed, but he had this kind of smile there, and I couldn't help but wonder what he was dreaming about. It was just after dawn, and as I slowly came to my senses, I discovered what roused me was my bladder needing relief again. Not wanting to break the moment if I could help it, I slowly pulled his arm off of me and rolled out of the bed, creating as little motion as possible. My back was sweaty, as it usually did when I slept without a t-shirt, but for that night I didn't care. Just like with Cody, having Tim in my arms did something for me, bringing me a peace unmatched I think, for falling asleep. I would have been willing to give up anything, I think, just to keep us as we were, sharing the feeling we had of each other. Being bare-skinned made it all that much more intimate, and that much nicer.

    When I returned, he had somehow rolled onto his back in the middle of the bed. I again crawled in, raising the covers and sliding up next to him. When I randomly looked down at his belly, and then further down where his boxers were, the sight that met my eyes caught me off guard. They had already been hanging pretty low on his waist the night before, and now were even more so. What caught my eye though, was that his willy was out the opening in the front, half-swollen in view. The gap around it was also wide enough that I could even see some of his pubes at the base, pubes that were indeed bushier than I remembered.

    I stared at him for a moment, taking it in and realizing even once again, my cousin was growing up and getting older, and for some reason, that was cool to me. My arm settled across his chest when I finally lay back, before eventually settling further south across his navel. He stirred briefly, turning and bringing us together even closer, before lying back with an almost imperceptible snore again. Drawing warmth from our contact again, I felt sleepy. It was a peaceful moment, with not a care in the world crossing my mind, and I almost succumbed to slumber once more.

    Stopping me, however, was the fact that his willy, "Little Tim" as I'll call it, had started growing and inching its way north toward my forearm. I became acutely aware of it, thinking it was neat and amusing at the same time. After a bit, I started wondering what I might or might not ought to do about it. It started pulsing against me, so I opened my eyes and looked at his face, where that smile was still displayed. At first, I wondered whether or not he was even asleep, or whether he realized what was happening. His willy was still poking out of the opening in his boxers, growing rapidly. His breathing was still slow and measured though, and I could feel ever so lightly the thumping of his heart.

    I didn't have to make a decision, though. As I watched Tim for a bit, I finally saw his eyes opening slowly, and upon seeing me there he grinned even more, this time focused at me rather than in his dreamy state. He closed them again and sort of thrust his pelvic into me a little, at the same time snuggling against me. Our hips joined tightly, and his cock was now poking and pushing on my forearm. As it pulsed, I knew he was awake, and I pondered what his thrusting might imply.

    In all my intimate moments with Tim and Cody, I never really initiated anything. I was always too scared, or nervous, about not being sure if they would WANT to do the things I fantasized about. I know that sounds kind of dumb, but being the unsure kid that I was, I think I really and truly put their friendships, with me, before anything else. I also had no confidence in myself to take chances in the world. Even today, I still don't trust myself most of the time, but at least now I can look back in hindsight and understand it all better. I wasn't trying to be a dramatic person or anything, or to get people to feel sorry for me. I just learned to stand aside, I guess, because some people were going to do their thing no matter what, and I didn't want to be in their way - especially if it went wrong.

    That morning though, I changed and for the first time, I sort of took control. I took it to mean he wanted it, meaning he wanted me to play. I was careful, mind you, but I slow took a firm hold of him, then inwardly gasped. Wow! He had grown not just in normal size and height, as I had noted the night before, but also down here as well! His cock completely filled my hand now, and as I massaged it up and down its length, he moaned. That was when he grabbed my hand and pushed it harder into his groin, holding it steadfast while it continuously pulsed in my grip. It was a throb I had not felt in 8 months, and was both amused and fascinated at how rapidly it occurred in my grip.

    Eventually Tim tugged at my hand, and I understood he wanted me to jerk him off some more. I did it initially, ever so slowly, but as I worked my way up and down and into his base, his boxers' sort of blocked me somewhat. He tried pushing me down harder, and I obliged as he requested, but eventually adjusted my motions upward on his shaft instead.

    As I got a steady motion in play, Tim responded by laying back even flatter than he already was. He moaned softly, and I watched his legs and feet tense up before relaxing again. His breathing, as expected, became more rapid as I watched him enjoying the attention. At one point, I whispered into his ear. "What are you dreaming about in there?"

    That little smile of his became a wicked grin. "Are you sure you want to know?" His eyes remained closed, but it was evident he was waiting for an answer as he turned his head toward me.

    "Yeah," I whispered back. That was when he scooted closer, putting his lips right next to my ear.

    "I was wondering, if like..." He hesitated, not finishing, but instead letting a soft growl erupt before moaning. "Mmmm..."

    I squeezed Little Tim harder, but noticed it didn't really phase him at all. Man did I ever wonder about the fullness in my hand then, given how hard and full it had grown. Still, he got the message. "I was wondering if you were gonna, like, suck my dick again." His face held a wicked grin, and it came off in such a way I had to giggle.

    I thought about it, having really only intended at first to just pump him through to the end. My curiosity was getting the better of me though, especially as I could now detect the faintest traces of his scent from where I lay. "Are you sure you want me to?" I whispered back.

    "Ohh ffuucckk yyeessss! If you want to, I mean, but fuck yeah!" was his response. He almost had a pleading tone in his voice, which made me smile. I then lifted my head and placed it onto his belly, pushing the covers out of the way. I let go of Little Tim briefly, and pulled at the waistband of his boxers, raising the front and letting the swollen hardness escape completely. He lifted his hips, and I pushed at the sides first, before pulling them down in front, bringing the garment well over his calves.

    I've got to tell you, even without my glasses and bright light, there was enough there in my view that my eyes pulled details that were oh so different than what I remembered from before. He WAS bigger, at my guess probably 6 inches or more by now, and very, very filled out. I mean, it was like before, but it was much more refined. The head and glans was plump and slick-like, his slit more readily visible and defined. If I had not known better, given the fact I had only ever sucked two boys' dicks in my life, I would have sworn this was a third, completely different cock I was about to sample. Maybe that sounds weird - it could have been the lighting, it could have been any number of reasons why it struck me that way, but it did. Regardless though, it was still Tim. There was also that one other thing that stood out to me as I got closer to his groin, and that was his scent. It was so much stronger now, not repugnant in any way, but much more aromatic, more indicative of the whole area in his crotch. His pubes were also bushier, but they flowed around his base, above balls that were still hairless, which I thought was awesome.

    "Do it, Sean... plleeeaaassseee do it..." was his whisper, ever so softly, filled with an urgent need and desire. He started squirming about on the bed, and I giggled. Realizing I had been observing him overly long, not unlike what one of my visions or dreams always led me to do, I relented. I pushed my head down on his belly lower, and when I was close enough, I took just the end of his monster between my lips and held it there. I wasn't afraid of going down on him more, but instead I just wanted to sample this part, without adding the flavors or aromas from the rest of him. It was already slightly wet, and I realize now that it was what had to be pre-cum. I licked it ever so lightly, and then played with his slit using my tongue. He was really squirming now; his hands were on my head, gently keeping me there as I gave him some version of extreme pleasure. Not only him though, as I was enjoying it too, I think, just as much.

    "OOhhhhhh.... mmmaaaannnn....." His voice always stayed a whisper; he never cried out loud, which I was very thankful for. As I mounted and drew him in inside, I recognized how much more he filled my mouth. I continued to swallow him down before realizing for the first time I might not be able to take him all the way like I had before. He gasped, half raising his shoulders from the bed as I sunk, then let him hit the back of my throat. His gut sucked in, and in turn sucked and moved my tongue around him making him almost cry out, before he pushed himself up in me even further. It was a strange sensation, but I finally fought back my gagging instinct and let him push in down my throat, letting it rest there briefly before pulling off to his tip. Once done, I repeated it again, over and over.

    Tim really was crying out now, but still in his whispered voice. "Oh shit... Oh sh-shit... Oh mmannn..." Over and over he did that, keeping his voice soft, but with an simultaneous urgency and panic that told me he was enjoying every moment of this. I discovered I was, too. He would not last long, and I knew it. With my free hand, I then reached down and cupped his nuts, to which he responded by spreading his legs even wider, giving me access there as much as he wanted. His boxers were restraining him though, evidently to the point he didn't like it, so he suddenly twisted, reaching down and working them off. When he spread his legs again then, nothing hindered them, and I found I could reach all the way under, and even feel the bottom of his butt in the process. He was totally naked in the bed with me then, which added even more excitement to what I was doing.

    I massaged his sack ever so gently, all the while sucking and moving his dick in and out of my mouth. I stopped at one point though, letting go of Little Tim, and put my mouth all over his scrotum, sucking each nut gently inside and tonguing them over. I pushed my fingers below, feeling his butt crack, which initially tensed up at my touch, but then relaxed. Although by then I had sort of started playing with my own hole somewhat in the bathtub, not so much for the thoughts of ever screwing, but because of an added exhilaration it gave me when I masturbated. It was another new world opening for me, but I was unsure if I should open it for him. Instead I just stroked the crack somewhat, and it worked as he continued to thrash about.

    When I returned to Tim's cock, I took it in and returned to my going up and down on him, with the added benefit of moving my hand to the base and starting to stroke it in timing with my lips, now more insistently than ever. It worked. He stopped his frantic words then, I think to keep from shouting out loud. I had to give him credit at his having such control to keeping quiet. I felt the change though, in the bigger shaft as it started to expand. That was when Tim started to erupt in my mouth, and whoa, did he ever. Wave after wave, he dumped himself inside of me. Because of his hugeness, I had to pull off somewhat, and I could not let my tongue play or prod about any longer. He was in pure bliss culminating to his highest peak. I was glad to be there for it, too.

    I could not hold all of what Tim pumped into me, and some started leaking out along the sides of my lips. It was hard to swallow, but swallow I did, and as I sucked it in and got cleared, I started going after the spills that were seeping out. I also went back to his slit and played there again, to which he squirmed even more before coming down off of his plateau.

    When he quieted, I let him slip from my lips, and I rested for a bit on his belly. There was more daylight coming in by now, and I could see his features better, even without my glasses. I noticed just the making of a tiger tail in front of my nose, and as I lifted my head briefly to observe, I saw they were leading from his naval downward. I still had no such thing growing for me, but I still thought it was so cool. In a sense, I guess lots of guys got them, but just not everyone I suppose. Maybe I had just a little one starting, but at the time it still was nothing that amounted to much.

    "Sean?"

    I turned my head when I heard him, and looked up into his grinning face and the eyes that met me. "Yeah?"

    "I was sssooooo hoping, you know? I mean, I didn't know if you would still do it or not, but oh I was so hoping you would," he admitted softly.

    I grinned. "You enjoyed it I guess?"

    "Oh, fuck yeah!"

    I looked at him, and just smiled and whispered, "Merry Christmas, Tim!"

    He looked at me and nodded, before asking. "Do you want your turn now?"

    I looked at the clock and then shook my head no. "No, I don't want a turn. I mean, I do, but... I just, I want you to just like, be happy bro." I paused, "Besides, Dad is taking us to breakfast, remember? He'll probably be here before long."

    Tim nodded. "I owe you then, and just so you know, I'm not afraid anymore."

    I crawled up beside him and cuddled up. "No, you don't. I don't care Tim, I really don't owe me anything. Besides, you just gave me everything I could want right now."

    He put his arms around me. "Um, maybe so, but I do care. And besides, I fucking WANT to suck your dick, so shut up, okay? We're bros, right?"

    I looked closer at him. "You umm, you know that isn't what makes us bros Timmy... You know that, right?" His eyes just held mine and he didn't answer. "Not the sex, just... the trust, the not-being-afraid part, the not being alone, that sort of thing. That's what makes us bros. This-" I paused, squeezing him and then indicating our snuggling to each other "this probably means more to me than just the sex. You know that, right?" He nodded, but still said nothing.

    I tried a different track. "What do you mean you're not afraid anymore? Have you like, done it or something? And how did the heck you get so BIG man? It's like, you're HUGE down here now!!"

    Tim finally laughed and clawed at me. I was already going soft from my own hardness. How I kept from jacking off or even wanting to is beyond me, but I do remember most of this discussion, and I remember it making me feel so great inside. He calmed down and whispered "Well, getting big I think is because I, like, do it now, every day, sometimes more than once!"

    I giggled. "Well, slow down, or you'll make it so big it won't plug up what you want to plug in to when the time comes!"

    We both giggled, and he asked, "You mean fuck a girl, in her you know where, right?"

    I nodded, "Yeah."

    "I so want to do that, too. Oh, and by the way, no - you're the only one I've done stuff like this with, Sean. I promise."

    That made me look at him curiously. "Really? You've got a lot more friends than I do. I kind of figured if you wanted, you could, you know."

    Tim scrunched up his nose. "I didn't say I wouldn't want to, I just said you're the only one. And fuck, Sean, its been a long time, you know? I've had plenty of time to think about it, and yeah, I want to do it. Fuck, I've even tried to suck my own dick, especially after it started getting longer." He admitted the last with a blush, but I giggled and hugged him.

    "Don't be embarrassed, I've tried it, too," I confessed.

    "Really? I guess you're like me then, you couldn't do it either?" I nodded, and then he got quiet. "Sean, do you ever think or dream about girls any? You know, like doing it with a girl?"

    "Sometimes, yeah," I answered. It was true, I didn't dislike girls, and I had no reason to anyway. It was just, until that point, my curiosity about boys, both younger, my age and older - but not TOO old - was what filled my thoughts and fantasizes most of the time. "I don't know if I ever would though. You know, do it."

    His eyes grew wide. "You mean, you wouldn't screw a girl if you could, if you had the chance...?!"

    I giggled, but answered honestly. "It's not like that, Tim, honest. Could I do it? Most definitely, yeah, but I think that doing that is, like, something that should be locked up in your heart, for someone special and all. I don't know what it's like - I mean, I can imagine it, but I can't really know it, you know? And the way I figure it, maybe we're not supposed to know about it just yet. Maybe it's kind of what sex is supposed to be about, you know, finding someone and loving them and having companionship and all that stuff."

    He nodded. "I understand that, yeah. Still, I don't know if I could ever resist though, you know?" We both giggled, and then he scrunched his nose up again. "What about guys?"

    That was a harder one to answer, and while Tim stared at me, I knew he was wanting to know something, probably about me and how I felt and everything. I wasn't an idiot. His eyes held both elemental traces of fear and confusion as he waited, and his body language changed to one of tenseness. This was a crossroad for him, I think, and maybe for both of us. "I don't think so. I mean, I may do some gay-like stuff, bro, and hopefully you'll never hate me for it as long as we live, but still ... there's a line to be drawn. I don't think I could ever screw a guy, you know, like go all the way."

    I sighed, then moved closer upon his chest. "You know, if I ever get lucky enough to find someone and have sex, all the way like that, it would have to be someone I really trust, and I mean really feel something inside for. Like, trust as much I trust you, but you know it's different with us. I trust you too much to ever want to screw with you, even if you are a boy. Does that make any sense? I love you, and I'll do almost anything you want, because that is what makes us so close. But I won't screw you, Tim, because... well, just because."

    Tim smiled at me, and I could sense the tenseness leave him. He slowly encircled me with his arms and pulled me up into him, hugging me tight. "God, I'm so glad to hear you say that Sean," was all he whispered in my ear. After a moment I pulled back and looked close in his eyes again, wondering. He grinned. "Don't look at me like that! I mean, I just didn't want to be gay, and I didn't want you to be gay, you know? I would have been okay if we were, and I would have let you do it to me too, if you wanted that is.” Seeing my surprised look made him smile. “I'm just being honest, okay? But I think I was so hoping we could just be ourselves, and leave that little part of it out, because I love you too, bro. So much."

    I squeezed back. "It's like I've already told you before, for me it's only been Cody and you, and Cody and I never did anything close to that." I looked deep into his eyes. "Even as much as I love you and care about you, and trust you, it's just not the same I think. Not so much for being wrong, but more because I really, really believe in what we have, you and me." I then grinned at him. "Believe me, you're going to lose your virginity long before I will, as hot and popular as you are.” I watched him blush and try to turn away, but I stopped him. “You are, you know. But Tim? Thanks for telling me that. I still don't think I would have done it, but you just kind of told me how deep we still go with each other, you know? Your willingness to do that? For me? God, I don't know what to say, really."

    He giggled. "Well, how about saying we can still do other things this week, because what you just did for me right now was so... fucking... awesome!"

    I giggled. "Oh, you have no idea..." And I meant it, too.

    Tim looked around. "So, does that mean we're going to do this some more then? While I'm visiting?"

    I giggled. "You really think you're gonna blow me?"

    He gave me that wicked smile again, leaning into my ear and whispering ever so softly, like he was imparting some deep secret between us. "Oh, fuck yeah, bro... and you're gonna give me that extra skin thingy again, too, and I hope more than just once! We've got the next 8 days together almost, you know? And honestly," he paused to whisper into my ear. “I’ve been horny as fuck for weeks now!” I blushed, then giggled before he added, "I don't care what we do, Sean. I love you, remember?"

    I laughed, and then hugged the stuffing out of him on the spot.

- + - + - + - + -

    That week we did enjoy each other's company - a lot. I took some time off from work for the holidays, and I was able to let Timmy experience my whole little world for a while, taking him around town and getting out on the farm. The only time we were really separated was when he had to go spend the night with his Grandma, and later when he went with his parents up to Lexington for an evening. When he did that, I did get him a Christmas present - a stuffed animal, I think, because it was of a duck in hockey gear, complete with hockey stick. He absolutely loved it!

    We also had a lot of intimate moments together, but with all the mushy stuff behind us for the most part - we didn't have any more things that get were so tender, I guess. The "I love you" phase between us already in place, we showed it to each other in every way we could conceive. We were just us being together for the most part, acting like normal kids without a care in the world. We spent a lot of our time playing games, going to the movies, spending time with Dad - you name it. Each night (or morning, as it turned out, or both) we dived into a little intimacy, usually always naked. We already had conquered - or at least I had - my fears of trusting him, and yes, we shared some more, ummm, I'll call it "adventures".

    We took a bath one night, much like Cody and I had done before, except we were a little more "friskier", I think. That was an eye opener for him - I think because he just didn't take baths. In their house, their family was always used to just taking showers all the time. I managed it all though, for the both of us, but I did it more for him. He got really horny that night, too, and that's when he sucked me off. To my surprise, he did it several more times, too, which was indescribable on my part. We also played little games, and before everything was said and done, the evening before they were to leave, we had one last, really awesome night together, feeling around and doing things, experimenting a little, that sort of thing. But the best part was, in the darkness, I felt him lean up to me and then kiss my nose, before coming down and kissing me on my lips. I kissed back, hungry for more, but I waited to see how far he would take it. He never parted his lips though, just held them in place for a moment, being as soft and sensual as he could, before pulling back. My heart was beating hard at that, and I audibly gulped, which made him giggle. That was when he confessed to me. "I kissed, Sean. That much I've done, with a girl. It was really nice, too." Then he whispered to me again. "You kiss really nice, too."

    I doubt he could see the tears in my eyes, but they were there as I croaked back. "Really? You think so? Thanks, bro."

    I heard him giggle as he leaned in and repeated it, and then rolled away, poking me under my arms. We went back into a tickling war, but subdued given the late hour, poking and prodding and yeah, grabbing each other all over and feeling everything up one last time. When we awoke the next morning, one last tug, one last intimate hug, and then we had to get dressed.

    All of this was way cool, for us both I know, but mostly - honest - it was the cuddling we both enjoyed, the intimacy of just being together for a little while. That did more for me than anything else did. I could hold him and he didn't care how, or what parts of our bodies linked together or anything, whether we were in our underwear or completely naked - it just didn't matter. Just like me and Cody, Tim was willing to share the same with me. The feeling was just, well, overwhelming, and THAT is what I have kept in my heart ever since.

    The thing is, this was the last week any of this stuff really happened for me. I was 15-years old, and at the time of this writing, that was 7 years ago. Seven years without getting anything again, at least not like what we did. I was getting older, I had a job then, and high school was facing me. Tim and I just never got together quite like that again. That has been hard on me sometimes, but at others I end up smiling about it. We still stay in touch - oh boy, do we stay in touch and how! Perhaps that's why I feel down about missing our times together, choosing to just relish in the nostalgia of it all. Tim still talks about all kinds of things with me, and I do mean just about everything in his life. That includes how he met some girl just a few weeks before his 16th birthday, and how by the actual night of his birthday, they somehow got together and went all the way! The next night he told me about it, well - you can imagine - he left no detail unturned or undone. I won't get into specifics here, but let's just say for a little while he felt guilty, but then he was laughing, giving me every little point about how he got from first base to a home run - including what it felt like and more! That should tell you how close we actually stayed those couple of years - and we still are, honestly. In fact, I saw him again this last Christmas, and we talked about the hug we still had for each other. I can't describe what that meant to me, honest. As much as I try to write and describe things, there just are no words.

    As for me and my, uh, "needs", I try to honestly stay away from porn. Aside from the fact I know it can corrupt your mind, I just never got that much out of it like some people do. I don't want to live my life that way, jacking off constantly at someone else's pictures or videos constantly. Oh, I find some every once in a while, and I won't say its all bad. Sometimes you find among even the legal ones, some 18-year old who sort of favors being 16 or so, without all the hair or crazy tattoos. That one is kind of funny to me, too, how some of these guys can just plaster tattoos all over their body. Hey, I don't knock it - if it's your thing, then go for it. I don't mind perhaps a small, simple one either, strategically placed somewhere.

    My reasonings may have some support from my religious background, I admit, but they don't necessarily guide or explain all of why I avoid them. To me though, life's is simply too short, and there are too many adventures awaiting around the next curve, you know? That's why I title this journal Discoveries. My gramps, a man I barely got to know because he passed away when I was young, still had this thing about him, this saying that has always stuck with me in my latter years of growing up. Life is like this big highway, with curves, turn-offs, good roads, bad roads with potholes, even gravel lanes or so. His philosophy was we start in one place when we're born, and we travel the roadways until we get to our destination when we're done. Everything in between is a choice, perhaps our only true choices in life. We can choose the speed, we can weather the storms, we can do a lot of things, but we always move forward. All we have to do is respect ourselves, and learn as we round each curve.

    I cannot tell you how many times I've heard my Grams talk about that, and how it has stayed with me. Now that I drive, meaning I pay a lot more attention to the roads I travel on, I see so many parallels that follow his example. That last little part, about respecting ourselves. To me, it means taking care of ourselves first and foremost, so that we can take care of others. In my eyes, we don't have to have piercings or tattoos to do that, or a host of other things people get into, to prove to ourselves we can do anything we want, that our body is our own to do with as we please. Does that make sense?

    Still, I do look at some porn occasionally now, and grudgingly, I admit that it does help sometimes when I need relief. It helps my curiosity too, because I still like seeing what other guys look like. What do I like most? Not the oral sex or the going all the way, I think. Rather, watching them go from their street clothes and strip all the way down, imagining what I will find when they shed it all, and just seeing the transition there. Yeah, I admit, that is probably my fetish. Not so much the sex stuff, just the curiosity that gets resolved. So, I guess that is what makes me curious about the younger guys, too. You know, the ones I tried to describe before, maybe 15-year old guys, give or take a year. Does that make me a pervert? I don't know, really. I think of perverts as being dirty old men, you know, who want to have so much more. I'm not so much wanting more, I'm just... I don't know. I think some things are probably okay from a certain point of view, things born of curiosity, I guess. It's like the old axiom, you can look but not touch. I guess that's enough said about it, although I will add one more thought: it's not like I keep any kind of porn collection or anything. To the contrary, I have a few of my own pictures around that age, and that is about it. I just don't need collections of the stuff like I know some guys do. I see what I can, when I need to, and that is usually enough, you know?

     What I do like to do though, is read. Sites like Nifty, StoryLover, IOMFATS, CastleRoland and more are where I go most of the time to try and find good stories (like Forever on a Tree, etc.). You probably know and understand by now the type of stories I like: peeps that don't get naked in the first paragraph, and then have strange or unrealistic orgasms before you get beyond the first page or two. Sorry - that's nothing more than hopeless fantasies, that have no real story to them. Nifty is full of them, I think, but to their credit, they also have some good ones, too. At least, that's my opinion. Oh, and of course (as you've probably discovered by now), I like to write...

    Just so you know, I almost stopped this series long before now - for a lot of reasons. Flamers and bashers, meaning people who like to write and harass me about writing gay porn, or describing things that are sick in their opinion. trust me, they are out there and they are in abundance. I get letters them from them all the time, and from some of the weirdest places, too. I know they shouldn't get to me, but sometimes, if I'm feeling low and alone, they just do. So, yep - I've had a lot of thoughts about stopping this thing before it reached here.

    Most people who have written me though, have been supportive, in more ways than you would normally think. I guess it comes down to the fact that I've added the details in this writing that has molded my heart to what I live and see now. A lot of guys have had a lot more experience than I have. Heck, in the chatroom, I know of one supposed 15-year old who gets to top or be topped, according to him, almost every weekend. On the flip side, there are a lot of guys like me, who only get to fantasize, maybe have one or two adventures at most by the time their 18 - or, none at all. I feel for them, or you, if that's where you're at. I get it, really - the feelings of being alone, and a need that, regardless of how mature you are, you just every once in a while, want to go crazy. It's like my own ideas of just having a simple kiss. Not the peck on the lips like I got from my two teen soulmates, but full out, loving exchanges that can (or should, at least) take you away from the world, and make you feel caught up in the moment. I've yet to have that, but according to Tim, and one of his vivid sets of details he gave me one night, it's almost like heaven. Sigh

    It was between Tim feeling the way he did - making the moves to shush me, and making me to quit putting myself down - that changed things. It started me on a road of not feeling so insecure anymore. Cody tried, and he even succeeded for a while, but his absence and my missing him so much made it hard. He was my sort of "first-love", you know? A puppy love, maybe, but his openness struck a deep chord in my heart, and the fact we found each other the way we did spoke volumes about letting me know I wasn't alone in the world. My chats and letters with Cody went a long way in letting me believe that, too.

    In the end - all these chapters together - they are the discoveries I made on my road of life, and how I actually got to here, 7 years later. The adventure is still going, you know; it hasn't ended yet! Around every corner is something new. Am I still alone? Yes. Do I still get depressed? Oh yeah, sometimes a lot. Still, there is a difference in feeling alone and being alone. Does that make sense? Having no boyfriend or girlfriend, does not mean I don't still feel things, like feeling connections with people in my heart. Honestly? If I never have sex again, or get to experience the things in life like some do, I will still hold onto the love I have for my best friends, my brothers, until the day I die.

    So, that is why I wrote all of this down, guys. This is why I embrace so much detail - not to just give you the satisfaction of your urges or anything, but to give you something else: my vision - my eyes - my heart. Everything I could remember about these experiences along the way is recorded as close as I can make them.

    If you're out there reading, then know this, please: you're never, ever alone. Somebody cares. Maybe or maybe not sexually, or even sensually, but I'll bet that most anyone would find it in their heart, to give you that hug you need. I'll also bet they could find those soft words of encouragement, too. It took me a long, long time to realize it before I started believing it - so I know it's hard sometimes. Especially when you're feeling down, because I've been on that road so many times already.

    The point is, there are still good people in this world. Honest people too, and the odds are they are right in front of you, more often than not. Most of all, if you learn to trust them enough, and they see the same thing inside of you that they can also trust enough, then you'll have what I've had here: a journey. You'll have a road full of discoveries about yourself.

    That sometimes is the greatest adventure of them all, because it'll become the greatest story of your heart.

    Thanks everyone for reading. Thanks for putting up with me. Take care, okay? :o)

    - Sean

===[Author's Addendum]=========

    I wrote this journal roughly a decade ago, as it is now early 2019 when I've cleaned it up somewhat. I am 32-years old now, having finally survived college, the death of my father, other heartaches and triumphs, and learning to live on my own again. I am still single, and for the longest while I was still living like that kid at heart - with none of the kisses, or friends of trust anymore I could invest in like I did my closest soulmates you've read about. Timmy and Cody have both married, and have loving families which I get to see and hang out with. You would think we'd leave behind a lot of that early stuff, but surprisingly we still talk quite often, and our bond of closeness has never left us. We no longer quite enjoy the hugs as we once did, but it doesn't mean we don't enjoy our hugs now. They still get just as personal, and fulfilling, as they ever did. I can still feel the warmth, as they can, too.

    My days with Jeremy have also turned out much sweeter, as you now know. So of everyone who had that influence on me, it has all turned out for the better. Even with my Mom, too. On my 17th birthday, she attempted to give me back my cam, telling me how sorry she felt the whole thing happened the way it did. She finally acknowledged what I could even voice for myself for so long, and that was she knew she should have trusted me more than she did. I accepted that, hugged the stuffing out of her, and then gave the cam back to her. I told her I didn't need it anymore, that just knowing her trust in me was restored was enough. Since being in college, that's changed, as I've used it to chat with Dad and other people, getting homework help, or just to take a break. I think it stopped working 3 or 4 years ago though, and I've never bothered to replace it since.

    To the contrary of my doubts and disbeliefs, I did finally meet a girl about 4-years ago. She was one I happened to grow up with, in both church and school, of all places. Alas, I had never paid her a lot of attention though, beyond that of simple friendship. She was one who never teased me, and wasn't all that outgoing, either - feeling alone, more or less. But yes, I have finally kissed - that mystery in my life was finally solved for me. Maybe not with a boy like my heart desired for so long to do at first, but still, we have shared a moment many times over now, and it has been as ever special as I imagined it would be. She got a late start in college, but she graduates this spring, and we are set to be married shortly thereafter. So, I won't have that life of aloneness I feared for so long anymore.

    The tales in my life carried me through high school as a different person. My job, which magically expanded once I turned 16, brought more money, and more freedom for my Mom and I. My first car was a 1984 Buick Regal, and I made it last until my last year at college, when it finally had started falling to pieces. I graduated though, with a degree in Mathematics and Computer Science, and I've been working steadily ever since. Nothing grand at all, unless you include the opportunities that I had traveling to England a few times, for the people I worked for. Those were awesome, and much of that experience is what encouraged me to try and write on of my tales, When Shadows Pass. My other works? You can find them on most of the sites: The Bully and the Bullied, and more. I'm working on a brand new one now, tentatively titled The Scars Above My Heart. It is over half finished, so it should start appearing before long.

    Will I keep writing, once I'm married? I think so. Maybe not as often as I have, but there is something about the curiosity of seeing things through the eyes of boys, of teens, that gives me a lot of empowerment. I still believe, even to this day, a lot are out there, still finding their way, feeling lost and alone. Some of them even struggle with their sexuality, which makes life feel even harder. If I can help but at least one of them know that they're not alone?

    As some older people used to say...

    My cup will run-nth over (or something like that)... :o)

    -Sean (KyEnglishWriter@gmail.com)