As we moved into October, I grabbed Jesse and sat him down for a little talk. He did ask if Andrew could join us, but I told him this was something I thought we should do on our own. He seemed a little nervous about this at first, until I explained to him it was about whether he wanted me to adopt him or not, and then he seemed to calm down.
“Jesse, I just want to make sure this is what you really want,” I explained. “Are you sure you want to become part of our family?”
“Does it mean my mommy will no longer be my mommy?” he asked, with a great deal of concern showing on his face.
“No, honey. Your mommy will always be your mommy, even if I adopt you,” I assured him. “This will only make you part of our family too.”
“Will I get to see her again?” he followed.
“Although she hasn’t contacted us since you’re stepfather’s suicide, we will be contacting her about the adoption, if that’s what you decide you want us to do,” I replied, “If you want, we could ask if she wants to come see you. You just tell us what you want us to do.”
“Yes, please ask her then,” he beamed. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot and really want to see her again.”
“Would you rather go back and live with her then?” I followed, because I didn’t want him to feel obligated to do this for our benefit. I only wanted what was best for him, but I had to wait for him to answer. He seemed to be thinking this over quite deeply.
“I don’t want to leave Andrew and you,” he answered, “but I do really want to see my mommy again. What shall I do?”
“Jesse, that is entirely up to you,” I told him. “I won’t be upset or love you any less if you decide you want to go back and live with her, but it has to be your choice. I can’t make it for you.” I paused a few seconds for this to sink in, before I continued.
“Why don’t you take some time and think this over,” I suggested. “When you’re ready, you can let me know what you decide.” He nodded his agreement with my offer, but only weakly, and then he went off.
I didn’t know what else to do, but I surely didn’t want him to feel pressured into deciding one way or the other. However, as I thought about our conversation, I realized how much better his speech was now. He really had improved tremendously, in a very short span of time, but I didn’t know whether to give Andrew or the speech therapist the credit for it. On second thought, it was probably due to a combination of their efforts, so I’ll commend both of them, along with Jesse, for their efforts.
While Jesse was considering his options, the older boys were busy getting ready for their upcoming events at school, starting with ‘Coming Out Week,’ which would run from October 7 to 15, to coincide with the National observance. ‘Coming Out Day’ on October 11 would be the focal point for the week, but I had no idea if any of the students would take advantage of this opportunity. In the end, a few students actually came out during that time period, but it was mostly girls. For some reason, they seem to incur less abuse and fewer hassles if they choose to come out, where the boys are often subjected to ridicule, derogatory comments and even bullying, if they do the same. That’s not to say those things don’t also happen to the females, but it seems to be less frequent and to a lesser degree.
On October 12, the alliance held a noon-hour memorial service, to acknowledge the short life and death of Matthew Shepard. Matthew was a University of Wyoming student and on October 7, 1998 he was lured out of a local business, taken to a remote location outside of Laramie, Wyoming, tied to a split-rail fence and then brutally and unmercifully tortured and beaten. He was then left to die in the cold weather. Eighteen hours later a cyclist noticed him, but at first mistook him for a scarecrow. However, the cyclist eventually discovered his mistake and Matthew was taken to hospital, where he eventually died from his injuries on October 12, a month and a half before he would have turned twenty-two.
Even though Matthew lived only a short time, the horrific and unimaginable ending to his life attracted vast media attention and shone a spotlight on hate crimes. During the trial, it was brought out that Matthew was targeted merely because he was gay and the two men accused of the deed where both convicted on felony murder and kidnapping charges. The fact that he was targeted for being gay was also what the gay-straight alliance was focusing on. They used it to draw a correlation between what happened to him and what transpired at the high school at the end of the previous school year, when they were working to be recognized as a club. Their primary goal, as stated, was to use this to promote a general understanding and acceptance of anyone who was different from the norm.
Overall, I think everything went off quite well and there were no incidents surrounding these events, even though the previous board member had claimed he was still going to do everything he could to prevent it. Maybe his lack of votes during the school board election had finally pointed out what negligible support he had, but whatever the reason, nothing happened to mar any of these events.
Jesse approached me several times during this same period, to ask various questions as to how being adopted would affect him and alter his situation, from the way it currently stood. I think some of these arose from his talks with Andrew, since he seemed to be relying on what Andrew told him, more than anyone else. I did mention to Andrew that I didn’t want him trying to persuade Jesse to decide one way or the other, because this had to be Jesse’s choice. I told Andrew that if we tried to influence the decision, Jesse might hold that against us later, if he decided after the fact it wasn’t what he really wanted. It was possible he could also come to hate us, if he felt we had pushed him in the wrong direction, and I didn’t want that to happen. Andrew assured me he wouldn’t do anything like that, so I ended our discussion and continued to let Jesse work out what he wanted to do.
Of course, October wouldn’t be complete without our special Halloween observance, so the boys eagerly began working on the haunted house again and made only minor changes to what we had done previously. Most of those adjustments were brought about due to the lack of boys currently living at home, but nothing major was altered. Once they got everything ready, the boys had me lead Jesse through a practice run of what we did, so Jesse could also see and experience it for himself. He was amazed and delighted by our efforts, but couldn’t believe we went to all of this trouble just to amuse a bunch of strangers. I explained that although they weren’t members of our family, no one in the community was a stranger to us, even though we liked some of them more than others. I think he began to understand what we were telling him and then commented he had never been part of anything like this before.
Once Jesse had experienced our haunted house, we gave him a part and allowed him to participate. We wanted him to have a chance to bring enjoyment to others, as well as scare the daylights out of those that came through, and he liked the second idea even more. Therefore, his first Halloween with us was a huge success.
Jesse finally came to me a couple of days after Halloween and announced he had decided he wanted me to adopt him. When I pressed him on this, just to be positive it was what he really wanted, I discovered something else.
“Jesse, are you certain this is what you want, rather than living with your mother again?” I pressed.
“I’ve thought about it a lot,” he replied, “and even though I love her, she didn’t stop John from doing those things to me. She might say she didn’t know, but she had to. I used to spit his stuff out in my underwear and she had to know that stuff didn’t come from me. He also did it a couple of times at night, when she was in the other room, so she had to know what he was doing. I want to see her and ask about it, but she had to have some idea about what he was doing.”
“Okay, if that’s what you want, then I’ll ask Uncle Steve to start working on it right away,” I agreed. “I’ll also ask him to see if he can set up a time when you can meet with your mother, so you can ask her those questions.” He nodded and went off, and a short time later I saw him with Andrew, getting ready to go out for another bike ride.
The next day I called Steve and explained the situation to him. He caught on rather quickly to my concerns and said he would handle the situation as quickly, discretely and delicately as he could. I thanked him and told him how invaluable he was to our family, but he merely replied he was happy to be able to play a small roll in helping these boys and watching them grow and mature into fine young men.
When I got home that evening, I received a phone call, but it was not what I was expecting. This one was totally out of the blue and caught me completely off-guard.
“Hi, Dad. It’s me, Marie,” she began, which momentarily left me speechless. “I know you haven’t heard from me in a long time, but I hope you haven’t forgotten who I am.”
“Ah, no, honey. It’s just that this call surprised me a bit,” I admitted.
“I know and I’m sorry about that,” she apologized, “but there’s a couple of things I’d like to discuss with you. I’m not sure if you heard from anyone else, but I had a little girl a couple of months ago.”
“Um, you had a baby?” I asked, since I didn’t want to get Robert in trouble for alerting me to this.
“Yes, Dad, a little girl,” she replied. “Her name is Kylie Marie and she weighed six pounds, nine ounces. She was born a little after midnight, the day after your birthday. I just missed it by twenty minutes or so.”
“Oh, that’s too bad,” I muttered, since I wasn’t quite sure how I should respond. “I would have loved to have her born on my birthday, but it doesn’t matter as long as she’s healthy and doing well.”
“She is, Dad, and I’m sending you some pictures of her,” Marie explained. “I’ll also email you a few, so you don’t have to wait.”
“Thank you, honey. I appreciate that,” I confessed.
“Dad, I’m really sorry about how things went, but I’d like to make it up to you,” she announced. “Would you mind if I come home for Thanksgiving and bring Michael’s kids, along with my own?” I was momentarily dumbfounded, but quickly recovered.
“Of course not,” I confirmed, “but you’re bringing Michaels children too?”
“It’s a long story, but let me give you the condensed version,” she replied. “Michael, Andrea and Adrian won’t be coming, just the kids and me. Jordan and Nicky have been giving their fathers grief about not seeing you and this began shortly after we left there that Christmas. None of us knew it, but Jordan and Nicky had been discussing the situation while they chatted online. For over a year, they conspired and literally refused to do anything with their fathers. They said that if their fathers didn’t have to see or do anything with you, then they didn’t want to spend time with their fathers either.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry this got so out of control,” I admitted, but Marie merely laughed.
“What can I say, except Michael and Adrian brought it upon themselves,” she giggled. “Anyway, Michael and Adrian tried to take the boys out so they could do things together, but the boys wouldn’t go. Even when we went places as a family, Nicky would hang with me and it drove his father nuts. I understand Jordan did the same thing, but he pretty much avoided both of his parents and only paid attention to Megan instead. If he had to hang around one of his parents, he always chose his mother, which upset Michael tremendously.”
“I’m sure it did and I’m sorry the boys did that,” I responded.
“I’m not,” Marie stated. “Their fathers acted like asses and that’s the way the boys treated them. In fact, the boys didn’t even give in when their fathers cut off their allowances and wouldn’t allow them to go some places with their friends. The boys just spent their time in their rooms instead and spent time on the computer. Michael and Adrian thought about taking the computers away from them too, but the boys constantly use them to do their schoolwork, so their fathers couldn’t do that. That’s when Michael and Adrian gave in. Their punishments weren’t having an impact and it was obvious they missed doing things with their sons. They finally reached the conclusion that if they had to let the boys spend time with you and their other uncles in order for that to happen, they’d do it. They just won’t give in and join us.”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear they won’t be coming as well,” I acknowledged, “but I certainly do look forward to seeing you and my grandchildren again. I can’t wait to meet my new granddaughter.”
“Great! We can’t wait to see you and everyone else either,” she answered. “I’m stopping by Michael’s to pick up his children first, but I should still arrive at your place late Wednesday night. I’m flying in to the airport near Michael’s house and then I’ll rent a car. We’ll have to leave Saturday afternoon, so I can get back in time for work on Monday, but that will give you a couple of days with the kids.”
“Days I won’t waste,” I replied. “I’m sure the others will be as excited as I am, once I tell them. Thanks, honey, and I look forward to seeing you all again.”
Once I got off the phone, I was nearly flying, as I went to tell Jake and the boys. I’d email the college boys as well and let them know too. I’m sure they’ll be just as excited about seeing the kids again as I am.
I was still quite ‘high’ and excited a couple of days later, when Steve called me back. “Josh, I think we’re going to have a problem with this one,” he began.
“Why? What’s the matter?” I asked.
“When I called Jesse’s mother and asked her to sign the adoption papers, she balked,” he replied. “Then she told me she wants Jesse back.”
“Where do I stand on this, legally?” I countered.
“Right now, you’re fine,” he answered. “She signed over full guardianship to you and it will be up to her to start proceedings to revoke it, if that’s what she decides to do. However, there is no way you’ll be able to adopt him without her signing off on it.” I was stunned and didn’t know what to do, but then I had an idea.
“In the letter she left for me when she dropped Jesse off,” I countered, “she stated she couldn’t keep him because she barely made enough to support herself, let alone Jesse too. Do you know if her circumstances have changed since then?”
“We didn’t discuss anything about her financial situation,” Steve told me. “However, that might be a consideration that will weigh in your favor, if she decides she wants to get him back.”
“Did you mention to her that Jesse wanted to see her again?” I followed.
“I did bring that up,” Steve informed me, “but now I’m almost afraid to have you do that. If you go to visit her in the state where she lives, she might be able to convince the authorities to remove Jesse from your custody and give him back to her. Other states don’t always act in the most honorable fashion, especially where custody is being disputed.”
“Yes, I have heard about problems such as that,” I confirmed. “What would you suggest as a compromise?”
“Have her come to us,” he suggested.
“If she is financially strapped, I’m not sure she could do that though,” I mentioned.
“Would you be willing to pay for her transportation and then meet her someplace?” Steve wondered. “I’d be happy to go with you, to protect your legal interests.”
“Thank you, Steve, and I’d be willing to do that, so I could also protect Jesse,” I agreed. “Would you mind calling her back and see if she’s agreeable to such an option?”
“Of course,” he confirmed, “but when would you like to do it, if she does agree?”
“What about the weekend before Thanksgiving,” I suggested. “If she can’t do that, try the weekend after, but not the weekend of Thanksgiving. I just don’t want to put this off for too long.”
“Okay, then I’ll call her again,” Steve agreed, “but what are you going to tell Jesse?”
“I’ll simply tell him that his mother has agreed to see him again, once you tell me that is so,” I replied. “I’ll also have to tell him she wants him back and won’t agree for me to adopt him, but I’ll try to do it gently. I don’t want him to overreact to the news, but I feel he has to know, because she’ll probably bring it up when they get together.”
“You’re probably right about that, Josh,” Steve confirmed, “and I won’t agree to any meeting with her unless you and I are both present.”
“You might also want to include Andrew on that list too,” I suggested. “I have a feeling Jesse will want him there as well, as sort of a security blanket when this takes place. I hope she doesn’t have a problem with that?”
“Josh, if she does, she’ll just have to get over it if she wants to see her son again,” Steve clarified. “I will not agree to anything if I even suspect it might allow her to take Jesse back with her or get her in position for her state to supercede our laws.”
“I appreciate that, Steve,” I assured him, “and I know I can count on everything you do.”
I was tempted to go find Jesse and discuss this with him, once I hung up, been then I concluded it would be better to wait until Steve advised me of her reply. In the meantime, I would discuss this with Jake and see if we could brainstorm an idea we could use to get her to capitulate. It would be nice if we could offer her a carrot, instead of having to beat her with a stick, but I was willing to fight her if Jesse decided he still wanted to stay with us, despite her objections.
Somewhat surprisingly, I heard from Steve again, a couple of hours later. He informed me that she had agreed to meet with us, so she could visit with Jesse. She was also willing to do it the weekend before Thanksgiving. Once Steve confirmed that Saturday would also be convenient for him, I set about making the appropriate reservations. I would have her fly in to Pittsburgh and we’d meet her there. We’d spend time in public places and allow Jesse and her some time together, so she could get his take on what he wanted too. I wouldn’t coach him, but I would explain to Jesse what was going on and why we had to do things in this fashion.
Once I had finished making the arrangements, I called Steve back with the information and he called her to fill her in about what would be happening. After I got off the phone with Steve, I went to find Jesse and wasn’t surprised to find him with Andrew.
“Jesse, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes,” I informed him.
“You can do that here, Daddy,” he replied, while indicating the living room. The only other person there was Andrew.
“Jesse, you might want to do this alone,” I suggested. “It’s concerning your mother.”
“No! I want Andrew to stay,” he insisted, very emphatically.
“If you’re sure,” I conceded, before going in and plopping my butt down on sofa next to him. “Jesse, Uncle Steve has helped me set up a meeting with your mother. I’m flying her in to Pittsburgh and we’re going to go meet with her there.”
“Why not here?” he asked.
“Since she’ll be flying in, she won’t have a way to get from the airport to our house, so I thought this would be easiest,” I offered. “We’ll pick her up at the airport and then go somewhere to talk. Depending on the time, we might do it over a meal or just go to a park or some other place where we can sit down and chat.”
“Can Andrew go with us?” Jesse asked.
“I had a feeling you might want him to join us,” I admitted, “so I’ve included him in our plans.”
“Thank you, Daddy,” he squealed, before he leaned over to hug me. That was the easy part, but the hard part was yet to come.
“Jesse, I also want to tell you that your mother doesn’t want me to adopt you and would like you to come back and live with her,” I explained. Jesse first looked shocked and then he began to grow upset.
“Why? She gave me to you,” he countered.
“She says she only did that because she was afraid her husband, your stepfather, was going to hurt you,” I told him.
“He did hurt me and she let him do it,” Jesse protested. “I didn’t feel safe there, but I do here, so I want to stay. I want to see my mother and ask her if she knew about all that stuff, but I want to live here. I want Andrew to be my brother.”
“I understand that, sweetie,” I replied, “but she’s going to insist on exerting her parental rights and I believe she’ll claim she only acted under duress, when she left you here,” I offered.
“What’s that?” Jesse asked, since he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him.
“Jesse, that means she felt she had to let you go, to prevent you from being seriously hurt,” I explained.
“She could have left John, not me,” Jesse countered. “She picked living with John and gave me away, so I want to stay here. I still love her and want to see her, but I don’t want to live with her now.” Jesse seemed adamant on this point, but I had to advise him about something else.
“Jesse, unfortunately that’s not up to you or me,” I told him. “We might have to go to court and have a judge decide who you’ll live with, if your mother decides she wants you back.”
“I won’t go!” he screamed. “I’ll come back here instead.”
“Jesse, how are you going to do that?” I pressed. “Your mother lives a long way from here, in another state, and it would be very difficult for a boy your age to travel this far.”
“I don’t care! I’ll do it!” he shouted, undeterred.
Since I felt I wasn’t going to be able to convince him otherwise, at least at the moment, I decided to end the discussion and come back to it another time. After I convinced him to calm down, and he did so, well at least a little. When he was more relaxed, I told him I loved him and kissed both Andrew and him on the forehead and then left the room. I could see he was going to be a handful and wasn’t about to change his mind easily, so I went to find Jake. I wanted to discuss our options with him.