It's been almost a month since the trial ended. My life has moved forward a bunch. I'm doing a lot better in school and have even become a junior member of the swim team. I finally moved into the new place, so now it's just mom and me at home. It's all pretty good overall.
You'd think I'd be happy about it all, and that would cause me to be a happy person in the end. It's not, though. There are still plenty of mornings that I wake up, and I feel depressed. I can't explain it; the moods just come and go. Even when hanging out with Liam, Leif, and even Henry.
Today was one of those moods. I decided I wanted to eat lunch alone, so I walked outside into the almost summer air and sat in a tree's shade. I watched cars drive by; kids laugh with their friends. They looked so happy and cheerful...
The warm air and the sun all seemed to relax me. To the point, I didn't even hear Liam walking up. “What brings Nolan out here for lunch today?”
He startled me. I jumped looking up at him, before blushing and hiding behind my hair. “I don't know... Didn't feel like eating inside today, I guess.” I looked down at my lunch; I had barely eaten a thing.
“You don't seem all that hungry. Are you doing okay?” He sat down beside me pressing his shoulder to mine. “You have this aura about you... What's up Nolan?”
I shrug. “I don't know... I just don't feel good today.”
“What kind of 'feel good' are we talking here? The 'I think I have a cold' or 'down' kind?” Liam asked in the kind and patient voice he always quizzed me in. My lack of reply answered for me. “You know it's fine to have these kinds of days, right?”
I nod. “Ya... I just don't like being around people when I'm in them.”
“I get that; sometimes you need to have moments for yourself. But the important thing you got to remember is that you've got friends that can help you. Sure, have your alone time but friends are here to cheer you up, to get you out of your funks.”
“Thanks, Liam...”
“For what?”
“Always being there for me... even when I don't want you to be.” The frog in my throat choked its way up. A few tears streamed down my cheeks, Liam just pulled me into his chest.
We just sat there as I cried and he rubbed my back. “It's what true family is for. I love you, Nolan. Nothing you or anyone else is can do is going to change that. If you need me, I'm there for you, even when you want to kill me.”
A Voice came out of nowhere. “Same goes for me.” Henry... “Whenever you need someone, I can be there too. It doesn't need to be Liam all the time; I can be there too.” He placed his hand on my shoulder.
“I know... It's just hard to come to you when I'm... down.” I don't want Henry seeing me like this. I hate knowing that he knows the pain I've been through. There are things that other people should not bare, like my pain.
Every time Henry sees me hurt, it hurts me more. There is nothing he can do that can help me when I'm in those moods. His face always looks so sad for me. How he is... it's not what I want someone to look like.
How I lucked out on Liam as a cousin, I don't even know. Before I even met him he was at my bedside making sure, I would have someone to wake up to. He has given up days of doing anything else to comfort me and make me feel safe. He is the big brother I never truly had.
Swim practices were a nice break from reality. When I'm in the water, all I can think about is moving forward and getting to the finish line. The way the water flows around you, it's a nice way to focus on what's at hand.
The junior members swim before the main members of the team. Most of the other junior members are younger than me, but that's okay. The coach says that I am making progress, faster than the other kids. Henry is a good help with everything.
I just finished the last of the daily routine. I hopped out of the water to have Henry right there! “That's amazing Nolan! Your time is almost enough to get out of junior!” Henry seemed really excited about it.
Before the others could get over to me, I took off the swim cap and let my hair cover my face. “Thanks...”
“Dude, that was awesome! Keep that up and you'll rank up in no time!” Dylan grabbed my shoulder. “Super proud of you, dude.” I could only smile as the others each said their compliment.
Once they were done, I sat down, towel around my shoulder, beside Connor. Together we watched the others do their routines. We sat there and joked about everything. It was a good time.
Part way through Liam and Leif came in. Connor told them how good I did in the pool. Liam gave me a pat on the back and Leif wanted to see me do it again. “I wanna see it too!” He jumped up and down as he spun around.
“I just can't jump in a go, Leif.”
He pouted. “Awwww, that sucks. I wanted to see my big cousin make waves.” He looked at the ground, looking up every so often and seeing if anything had changed.
I got my best baby voice going. “Poor wittle Leif wants to see me swim?”
“I do not sound like that!” We all had a laugh, in Leif's expense of course. Leif took his leave towards the front door.
Liam got up from his seat to follow him. “Nolan don't take too much longer. Mom is going to be here soon to pick us up.”
“Okay!” I yelled back to him as he moved as fast as he could across the pool deck.
Connor giggled to himself. “Your family is all kinds of awkward.”
“Coming from you, that means almost nothing.” My eye roll was real. So was the pain in my arm from Connor's punch. “Hey, that hurt!”
“And you were mean to me. We're even.” Oh, Connor. “Looks like the coach is finishing up with the main team. If you get into the change room now you should have enough time to get mostly dressed before Henry finds you.”
“Thanks, Connor.” Henry and I may be boyfriends, but I wasn't ready for much of the intimate stuff. It still scares me.
I had quickly made my way into the change room to change. I stopped to look into the bathroom mirror. My body had a little bit of definition to it now. I could see the beginning of abs.
I got so caught up in me that Henry popping up behind me scared me silly. “Don't do that!” I turned to see a very cute boy in a giggle fit.
“I just wanted to say another 'good job' before you went home.” His hand went down my arm, leaving a trail of water behind. You know the face people make when they want to do more but won't. That's the face Henry has.
“Thanks.” I gave him a peck on the lips, and we both smiled. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I walked into the main area of the changing room. Henry watched me walk away before returning to the pool. How'd I get so lucky that I would get someone so understanding? My life seriously took an 180, didn't it.
That night, I awoke, covered in sweat and the blankets barely on me. My breathing was heavy, and I was clutching onto my bed for life. The dream, no nightmare, I had woken up from wasn't one I've had for a while.
I want Liam; I need him. I scrambled to grab my phone, wrapping myself in my blanket as I did. Turning on my bedside lamp, I dialed his magic number. It rang only once before a very tired voice answered the phone. “Hello?” Liam.
“Hey...” I weakly said into the phone.
“What happened Nolan?” he was concerned, his voice said it all.
It took me a few moments to speak. “I had 'that dream' again...”
Even over the phone I could sense Liam's brain clicking on what had happened. “How are you doing? Are you okay?”
I could feel tears starting to form as I squeaked out a “Fine.” And like that the water valve opened. Tears flowed down my face as the thought of reliving that day again went through my mind.
It was always the same nightmare. It was always the day that mom found out. It's like my soul left my body, and I see every single detail of what happened. The doctors looking at me, me falling off my bed. It was horrible to see, and I couldn't stop it.
“Everything is going to be okay Nolan; it was just a dream. We won't let anything like that happen to you again.” Liam comforted me for who knows how long. He may not be beside me, but his voice calms me down pretty well. I can't feel him physically, but this is good for now.
Liam kept talking to me as I wept. He never stopped confirming that he's there to help me and protect me. “I know, I know.” I would reply as he kept telling me those things.
Before I knew it, my bedroom door opened to my mom standing there. She quickly came up to me, snuggling against my face. “Is that Liam on the phone?” I nodded. “Let's go out into the living room, okay?”
She offered me her hand as she helped me up. I slowly made my way to the living room still talking to Liam on the phone. “You had such a good day yesterday, Nolan. You did super good at swimming; your grades are going up. You are doing so great with everything; I know you're feeling down, but it's getting better. You can see it every day with what you're doing.”
“It doesn't feel that way... It seems like every morning it's like it gets better and then this happens and it feels like it's taking 50 steps back. Nothing has changed at all!” Why does something like this feel like this is make every step I've taken worthless.
Mom's hand went over the phone. “Why don't we let Liam go to bed Nolan? Are you feeling better?” I nodded. “You should say goodnight.”
“Good night Liam... Sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Just feel better.” Then Liam hung up the phone, more than likely to go back to bed.
Mom pulled me into her chest. “It's just a spark, but it's enough.” She began singing. “To keep me going. And when it's dark out, no one's around, it keeps glowing.” I had no idea what she was singing at all... but it was helping.
“And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore. And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has. And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive.”
I snuggled in close to my mom. “What is that?”
“It's a song I sing to myself to make me feel better. Because whenever you are in pain, it hurts me too. When you hurt like this, it hurts me as your mother. That I wasn't there for you when you needed me most.” Tears flowed down her face, and her grip around me tightened. “I'm so sorry Nolan, so sorry.”
“It's not... you didn't know.”
“One day at a time Nolan. We take this one day at a time, and we'll make it through. We can do it in time. One day, this will be the past, and we'll feel better about ourselves. Just one day at a time.” Those were the last words I had heard before I fell asleep again.
My life is getting better... like mom said just one day at a time.
Chapter end.
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