At home, I changed out of my school clothes and went down and worked on my homework until Mom said it was time to go.
Mom walked in with me and introduced me to the receptionist and then told me she was going to run errands while I had my appointment.
"So, how was your weekend, Jules?"
"Pretty fantastic, I never did have the full nightmare because Peter stayed over Saturday night."
"So you boys are friends now?"
"Yes," I said dreamily.
"Uh oh, what do we have here, Jules?" Ray asked with a smile.
"I wanted to ask about that actually, but I need to tell you something about my dreams."
"Okay, let's start there."
"I dreamed about the boy last night and dreamed I woke up and he was sitting on my bed. He told me to stop worrying about him and he apologized for being killed in front of me and then he told me that he couldn't move on until I did. But that was my brain doing all that, right?"
"Most likely, what happened then?"
"I woke up for real, yelling for Mitchell to come back, I wanted to ask him stuff. Then my Dad came in and tried to comfort me but I wasn't upset. The weirdest part is I never knew his name. I asked Dad why they never told me his name and he said Dr. Melner told them not to tell me."
"What did you want to ask Mitchell?"
"You know, stuff about being dead and Heaven and stuff like that."
"So, would you like to know my take on that sequence of events?"
"Yes, please. What does all that mean?"
"I think it means your mind is finding a way to heal itself from this longstanding injury. You must have had a catalyst that caused that to happen. Am I right in thinking that Peter figures in there prominently?"
"Yes, I think so."
"We're getting into an area of privilege here, so I can't volunteer anything about Peter's sessions with me. Do you understand?"
"Sure I understand, but if we came in together and he said it was okay, then we could talk about anything, right."
"You're a smart kid, a lot of adults don't understand doctor-patient privilege."
"Okay, so I'll tell you what happened." I told Ray about calling and thanking Peter for suggesting his uncle and for having him spend the night. And all the stuff we did except in the shower and how we said we loved each other.
Ray made a couple notes and asked me if I thought I was gay before I met Peter and if we were planning anything sexual.
"Not yet, but we haven't had much time alone. I never gave it a lot of thought but girls have never been a thing for me. Some of them are nice, but when I thought of kissing someone, I always thought of my friend Cam. But he moved away."
I pulled a couple of tissues to dry the tears that had formed.
"Okay, here's what I know about being gay, it is not a psychological condition and it's nothing that needs curing. A person is born predisposed to a hetero or homosexual identity and that's because of brain chemistry or structure. Having said that, I have to tell you that most boys have a same sex relationship in their early life. If you are in fact gay, there's no "cure" because there is nothing wrong with you. But you will need to be careful with your relationship. Most of society is willing to at least ignore homosexuality but there are always a few militant, often religious based individuals that will try to shame and even harm you."
"Yes I know, they're really just another kind of bully." I told Ray about the incident at school and the petition.
"That's a very positive step, Jules… I'm sorry, 'Jur'. Getting your community to fight a problem as a group is a good way to get everybody involved."
"You don't really need to call me Jur, it was mostly a joke."
"Well, if you prefer, I'll call you Jules."
"That's good, I'm sorry about the Jur thing, I was a little nervous maybe."
"So Jules, have you discussed being gay with your parents?"
"Not really, my Dad says I can ask him anything and if he didn't know the answers, he'd find out. "
"Well, I've spoken to both your parents by phone before you made your first visit and he seems quite a decent man and he obviously cares for you deeply. He seems really invested in your well-being."
"That's Dad, I'd be a drooling mess without him."
"Is he affectionate, I mean hugs and kisses and has deep discussions?"
"Yes, he's always there for me."
"Are you or your family religious, do you follow a doctrine or faith?"
"Not really, Mom was Catholic but she didn't approve of the Church shielding perverts and Dad was never really religious; he didn't like the power religion has in society. I've decided I'll do my own thinking; I don't need an all-powerful God thing to decide what I do. I know right from wrong and Mom said I didn't have to be religious to be moral."
"So you don't blame your mistakes on fate or God but on yourself, is that correct?"
"Why all the questions about religion?"
"Well, your level of maturity is quite advanced for your age group. It may be a product of your struggle with the accident in some degree. But I would say that you have a very good intellect, far outstretching your peers. I've noticed you don't need me to explain many of the complex words or concepts that I bring up."
"Oh yeah, I read a lot of things that aren't really intended for people my age. I go where I need to get the information I want. But you haven't answered my question."
"Okay, religion can be helpful or it can be a crutch or even a type of drug. Some people surrender to it so completely they think everything is God's will and don't question it."
"And I'm not like that so you wondered why not?"
"Something like that. Yes."
"Well, thanks for not dumbing it down because I'm a kid. I hate it when grownups talk to me like that."
"Yes, I hated that too when I was your age."
Dr. Ray's watch beeped and I knew we had gone through most of an hour.
"Wow that went by fast, didn't it?" Ray agreed.
"Yeah, but I feel good about it."
"Anything else you'd like to bring up?"
"Nothing at the moment, I guess I have a week to come up with something."
"Well, keep doing your dream journal and let me know if anything disturbing happens."
"Um, if I talk to Peter and get him to come with me next time, would you see us both?"
"If his parents approve, and yours of course, absolutely."
"I'll talk to him about it."
I said goodbye to Ray and went to the waiting room. I texted Mom and she hit me back that she was just around the corner and I said I'd meet her out front. Just as I was leaving, a boy walked in and it was Wyatt from school.
"Hi Wyatt, are you here to see Ray?"
Instead of saying hi, Wyatt acted scared and didn't speak at first.
"Um, yeah… hi Jules, yes I'm here to see Ray but please don't tell anybody at school, okay?"
"I understand, nobody needs to know your business or mine."
"Sorry Jules, I was just a little startled to see someone from school here."
"No problem man; I'll see you later then, okay?"
"Okay, thanks for understanding. See you later."
Mom was waiting at the curb when I left the building.
"Hi Honey, did you have a good session?"
"Yes, Mom, we talked about a lot and it went by really quick."
"Your dad said you had a nightmare again but it was different, is that right."
"Yes, well not a nightmare, more of a dream. Mitchell sat on my bed and told me to stop worrying about him."
"Mitchell? Honey, where did you get that name?"
"He told me his name was Mitchell. I don't think I ever heard it before and Dad said Dr. Melner told him not to tell me his name. I don't know how it got into my head but I must have heard it some time. I know it was a dream. He said what he came to say and left; I wanted to ask him questions but I woke up and that's when Dad came in, weird huh?"
"It's pretty weird Jules, I have to agree. Our brains do some really strange things when their trying to heal themselves."
"Mom, do you think we could go and see the place where he's buried, I'd like to say goodbye."
"I think it would be a nice thing to do, Honey; what did Dr. Ray say about it?"
"Oh, I didn't ask him, I just thought of it."
"Well, I'll try to find out where he was buried and we'll talk more then, okay?"
"Thanks Mom, I love you."
"I love you too, Honey."
Mom smiled at me funny as we pulled into the driveway and her eyes were somewhat wet. It was one of those Mom things that we'll never understand.
Later after dinner, I found Dad in his study, looking at his laptop and listening to music.
"Dad, can we talk about something?"
"Sure Jules, what's up?"
I pushed the door shut and sat down.
"Oh, it's a private talk, I see."
"Dad, what's your opinion of gay people?"
"They're just people, Jules. I don't make a distinction based on someone's sexuality. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay. It's not a disease or a defect. It's just another way to be human. From what I'm told and what I've read being gay isn't a matter of choice, so I would expect you to treat gay people with the same respect that you would give any other person."
"What if I was gay?"
"It doesn't change anything. Are you trying to tell me that you think you might be gay?"
I was tearing up and it was hard to talk because I was getting emotional.
"Yes, Dad, I'm pretty sure I am."
"Wow, that must have been hard for you to say. It took a lot of courage to tell me, but it changes nothing between us. You still have my love and respect, Son. Has this been worrying you for a while?"
I nodded; I couldn't talk around the lump in my throat. My dad stood up and I jumped into his arms and he held me. I really needed his reassurance and he gave it freely. I felt so close to him at that moment I thought my heart would explode. I felt a kiss on my cheek and his hands patting my back.
"So, does this involve Peter?"
"Um, yes it does."
"I thought you boys had gotten close awfully quick. Well I don't think you could pick someone better if you tried. Peter is a nice guy and you certainly deserve the love and friendship of a nice person."
"You don't seem very surprised; did you already know I was gay?"
"I had suspicions but I didn't know. Did you talk to your new doctor about this?"
"Yes."
"Then he may have told you that boys often go through something like this. I know I did. But I grew out of it. You may not and I have to take your word for it, but don't be embarrassed if it turns out you were wrong. Peter is a really nice guy and you've missed having a close friend since Cam moved away, and either way, I'm glad you found each other."
"Thanks Dad, did you really have a boyfriend?"
"Yes, his name was Steven and he was really sweet. I loved him with all my heart for probably six months and then we discovered girls. It's a good thing too; otherwise I wouldn't have such a great son."
"You might be right Dad, but it feels pretty real to us. Thank you for telling me about Steven. I forget sometimes that you were a kid too."
"I still am in some ways. But if there's anything I can help you with, let me know. Even the stuff you feel embarrassed to ask about, okay?"
"Yes Dad, I'm sure I'll have more questions."